Changes

I did something today that I have not done in a long time. I asked for time off. If you put it in perspective, I have not taken a day off in the last year. I sense burnout approaching so I am asking for vacation time to get my brain back together. I have indicated that I have been exhausted for the last few weeks, actually also for the last few months. So, hopefully, a week off in December and a week off in November. In other news, I finished off my cardio for the week this morning, the rest days are going to be really nice. One of my co-wokers is planning on starting early morning workouts in about two weeks so I am probably going to start working out from 5:15 am to 7:45 am on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. She is going to come to the gym at about 7 am on those days, so I am going to stay later on those days and workout at the same time. I have not actually figured out what I will do in the extra time, probably some more cardio and also I will use the machines to get in more of a weight workout. I am thinking that on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I will probably stay at the gym until about 7:30 or so, depending on my workload. I don't actually have to be at the office until 8 am and hopefully this will help me break through my eternal plateau of 155.5-156 lbs. Yes, I am still stuck there right now. I know this probably sounds excessive, but I used to workout every day except Sunday for two hours at a time. So, I know I can do this and be physically and mentally okay doing it. Actually, I am usually better off when I workout that much. So, I am going back to that system again.

More Ramblings

I have discovered that I weigh less at the end of the day than I do at the begining, which is frankly just slightly odd. Also, this is a sign I weigh myself far too many times a day and I am working on that problem. Anyway, I lifted weights last night and did squats and lunges which made me a bit sore this morning. That contributed to a pretty crappy run this morning but I still ran for 30 minutes at my usual pace of 6.3 mph. I really don't know how much faster I want to run, I do want to start running at 6.5 mph but I don't really see any need to go quicker than that in the long run. I am just trying to avoid utter workout boredom but the great benefit of working out in the early morning is that I am not awake enough to realize that I am bored or to really focus on the fact I am forcing myself to workout. This is probably why my weight workouts in the evening are much worse mentally for me, I am awake and aware of what I am doing and that I do not want to be doing it. All of this probably means that I will always be a morning workout person even though I do not like getting up early in the morning. I am in a pretty good mood today, just tired. However, I have realized recently that I am not physically tired most days, just emotionally exhausted due to work stress. I sense the early onset of burnout from overwork, but I swear I am going to go on vacation soon and that will make it better.

The big picture

I feel like I have spent an inordinate amount of time recently bitching about the whole weight loss thing. I have whined about not losing weight, about my general apathy toward the whole process, about my gym, and about my eating habits in general. I don't live my life whining about these things, so I don't really want to spend all my blogging time ranting about them. Have I lost weight recently, no, but I have accomplished some huge things which were equally important to me and which I have not talked about as much. I am fitting into all of my size 10 clothing, not perfectly but they are fitting and they are all 10 petites which are cut smaller than regular size 10's. I am running a little over three miles a day, really running not just waddling along. I am running a mile in approximately 9 minutes and 30 seconds and I have never been able to do that before in my entire life. I am lifting 15 pound weights, doing 60 sit-ups four days a week, plus 60 lunges and 60 squats twice a week. I pretty much bounce off walls on a daily basis because I have so much energy to burn durring the day. Not to mention the fact that I am finally getting organized at work and also good at what I do professionally which is a huge accomplishment. So, life overall is good and I should acknowledge that more often here and be gratefully for where I am and what I am doing on a daily basis. Introspection only accomplishes so much and I have been looking at the little details for so long that I forget the big picture and I should remember it.

The Brick Wall

Every month or so, my gym decides to engage in a really interesting torture test. They turn off the hot water to the showers. It usually only lasts one day, maybe two, but let me tell you that a freezing cold shower at 6:30 am is not any fun at all. This is especially true when you are really hot from having worked out for 75 minutes straight, however I am now very awake as a result of that shower. I am back down to 155.5 lbs as of this morning so last week's stumble does not seem to have really caused any lasting damage. I suppose it was the universe smacking me around for getting a little bit cocky about my weight loss. I would like this to be easy, I would like to not worry about what I put in my mouth every day, but that is not how it works for me and that has never been how it works for me. My brother had this metaphor about life at one point which I stole from him and now use a lot. Imagine a brick wall in your direct path with no visible door or way around it, there are people who will come up to that wall and leap effortlessly over it, there are people who will come up to the wall and decide that it is just too much effort to get around it and instead take a nap in front of it or set up camp permanently in that location, finally there are people who will come to the wall and bang their heads and bodies into it until they finally make a hole big enough to climb through and continue on their way. The wall is the obstacles we face in life, and frankly both my brother and I have spent much of our lives banging our heads into the wall until we break through it. This is pretty much how losing weight has gone for me, baby steps all the way along the road. Some people can lose all the weight in a year, I expect that it will take me more than two years to lose all the weight I want to lose. I am tired of it, but I keep going because I have a goal of where I want to be and I intend to get there someday (plus frankly my eating and exercise habits won't change that much when I hit my goal). I just want to be done with the losing weight part of the journey but I have a feeling that I have a lot more head banging to do before that day arrives.

Landing flat on my Face

So, let me recap the end of last week for you, it can be summed up as follows, "Kat falls face first into a pile of food." Thursday and Friday were extremely bad food days and frankly the week which proceeded it was not very good either. The weekend was totally on plan but very low overall in calories. Thus, the fact I have ended up at the begining of the week at 156.5 is a truly amazing miracle and can probably be attributed to the fact that I am running for 30 minutes five days a week at 6.2 mph and adding another 30 minutes on the eliptical machine. That and weights are probably the only things which stopped major weight gain this last week. My goal this week is to be back on plan fully with no deviations and no excessive snacking. I find that whenever I think that I have completely beaten back my food demons, I get smacked around a bit by my ability to eat everything in sight. Sigh, the issues never completely go away for me, I am just better able to manage them overall. On the plus side, this morning's run was really nice and almost easy until I raised the speed to 6.3 mph at the 15 minute mark. I am constantly amazed by how quickly my body adjusts to an increased speed and intensity level. Now, I am going to work on not sabotaging my workouts by eating lots and lots of extra food (especially processed food) and sticking to my salads and healthy proteins.

A photo opportunity

Today I am wearing my black suit which actually makes me look thinner than I am, I love clothes that have this function. We are taking an office photo so slimming clothing is important, unfortunately it cannot do anything about the blemish on my forehead which shows up even though I am wearing makeup. It is in fact the only reason I am wearing makeup since I never wear any unless I am in trial. I will be in trial in about a month so I suppose remembering how to apply my makeup is a good thing. I am not much enamored of having my photo taken in case you did not realize that fact, the only person who has ever taken really good photos of me is my dad (and he used to be a professional photographer) and it involves taking many, many shots. This is one of the secrets to any good photo and I doubt they are going to take very many pictures this morning. The other thing about photos is that they always mess with the mental image you have of yourself, and generally for me this is a bad thing. Then again, I don't have very many pictures of myself at this weight so maybe I am blowing things out of proportion in advance. Maybe it will turn out to be a good picture of me, who knows. However, I am still not very excited by the prospect, especially since I am a lawyer and a short girl which in this office means I will probably end up in the front of the photo. Anyway, I am off to do some work before we have to go and take this group picture.

Frustrated Ranting

I am feeling singularly uninspired today, which has been happening frequently recently, in case you had not noticed. I think what I notice more and more is how much harder I am working recently to lose weight, at least in terms of exercise. I am basically watching what I eat pretty closely and eating healthy foods, but I really have to raise the intensity level of my workouts. I am running a 9:40 mile now, which means I run a little over three miles a day. I have raised the intensity on the eliptical machine as well, and of course I am lifting heavier weights. If the machines are to be believed (and frankly they are not) I burn around 750-770 calories every morning just in cardio exercise. Yet, the scales move slowly if at all, which is admittedly frustrating to me. I know it takes more intensity the fitter I get to lose weight, and I have always known that losing weight once I got in sight of my eventual goals would be difficult and take a long time. I still find it frustrating, and all the logic in the world cannot alter that fact. I am also not surprised that frustration causes a lack of motivation and inspiration for me. I have been trying to lose weight for one year and eight months now, and it is such a long process for me. There have been weeks and months like this before, there will be weeks and months like this in the future, they will always suck and they will always pass. This is what keeps me on track, the promise that for awhile this will get easier again and I will feel better about the process. So, I make my salads, I workout, I drink my water, and I wait for better days.

Ninety-Five Percent

There is a percentage that I roll around in my head a lot, especially the more weight I lose on this journey. (Not that I am currently losing weight, I am still hanging out in the land of 155.5 lbs). The percentage is 95% or in the alternative 5%, the ever looming statistic that virtually every dieter knows by heart. Over the long term, 95% of people who lose weight will regain the weight and only 5% will permanently keep the weight off. This is a daunting statistic, especially if, like me, you have struggled with weight your whole life. Heck, I was a chubby baby by all accounts, and I was never a thin child. So, when do you know that you have crossed the threshold into the elite 5% group and out of the 95% group? I don't think you ever do, and some days that is an exhausting thought. I think I will always have to think about what I put into my mouth, always worry about whether I am getting enough exercise, and always fight the scale. I think this in part because I have an older brother who was an elite athlete in college, works out as much as three hours a day for his job, and still struggles with weight issues (albeit on a much smaller scale than me). He has never been overweight, but then again he has never achieved that elusive six pack set of abs either, I know, we have discussed this fact at times. Our workout ethic only gets us 95% of the way there, and our genetics balk at the remaining 5% to absolute physical perfection. Then again, absolute physical perfection has always been highly overated in my book. I know what 95% of the way there looks like, because my brother has been there for a long time (just ask my father about the fact that when they used to run together, my brother would run backwards just to get a better workout, go ahead just ask), and I know I am not there yet. That is what gets me up in the morning somedays and gets me to the gym, and I hope someday that keeping myself in the 5% group of people who keep the weight off will keep me going to the gym. In the end, only time will tell.

Saying Thank You

I was thinking the other day about how hard it is to respond to compliments (at least for me) when it comes to weightloss. After the lunch on friday, my coworkers were telling me how much weight I have lost and teasing me because I don't eat desert. Mostly, they were commenting on how much skinnier I look now than even a few months ago. I never quite know how to respond to such things, probably because to me there has not been much change. Yes, things fit better now, but I still see the extra rolls of fat and the tummy which just is not willing to go away for right now. So, I say thank you but I hem and haw about it all the same, you know, the thank you but I have lots more weight to lose response. Now, there are places that I see change, my fitness level has shot way up in the last two months, my cool down pace on the treadmill is 4.1 mph which is faster than I used to be able to run. I lift heavier weights and I get out of breath less easily. However, I still see room for change and I would really like to stop hovering around 156 lbs. Then again, hovering around 156 is better than the weight I used to hover around which was 242 lbs. Ultimately, I think I have to forgive myself for the damage that my overeating and obesity did to my body before I will really be able to say thank you to the people who tell me that I look really good. I am not there but I am trying to get there.

No Leeway

My office is having a luncheon today, which means they asked me to make desert, so I did. The problem with baking for me is that I have to taste things like batter and frosting to make sure I am doing it right. Not to talk myself up, but I am a really good baker and so I get asked to make things a lot by my office. I can't do it without the tasting though, the best way I can explain it is that baking without testing flavors is like walking around blindfolded, it can be done but it does not work as well. My solution is to not bake as a general rule, but I did this time because it was a special request. As a result my weight instantly bounced up today, add in a large office lunch today and it is not looking like such a good diet day and it is only 7:50 am. On the plus side, some of my co-workers specifically purchased a vegetable platter for today because they wanted me to have something healthy to eat, now that is love. I am aiming for a lot of vegetables at lunch and a very light dinner, we will see how that works out. I lifted weights last night, did my standard workout this morning (still running at 6.1 mph) and have tomorrow off which is great. I am going to roast a chicken tomorrow which will be dinner and part of lunch for most of next week. I am actually pretty decent at roasting chickens and they tend to be really yummy ( I generally rub them with butter and lemon and then stick between two and four lemon halves in the body cavity). I was going to cook the chicken earlier this week, I just never had time to do it. I am just really glad that it is finally friday.

Annoying sleepwalkers

You want a really good way to annoy sleepy people? Open up your gym twenty minutes late with the explanation that you overslept. Not the best excuse ever since I lost power last night and had to tell what time it was by using the clock on my cell phone. I debated cutting my workout a little bit short to make it to work right on time, but then it occurred to me that this was a silly idea since I go into work an hour early anyway so it wasn't like I could possibly be late if I ran twenty minutes over at the gym. As it was, I made it to work by 7:05 am which is partially due to the fact that my gym is 5 minutes from my work. Somehow in the last two days I have dropped from 158-157 (where I have been hovering for several weeks) back down to 156.5-155.5, even though I am actually eating slightly more food. Either I was bloated, retaining water, or I was eating too few calories. Possibly it is a combination of both problems. It was however a reminder that minor fluctuations are not worth worrying about (or alternatively throwing oneself face first into a pile of cookie dough) because they will even out in the long run. I know this logically but logic doesn't always win out over my emotions. So, I just try to stick to my schedule and eating plan as much as possible and not worry about minor slips or bumps in the road. It is a really long road and I still have so far to go that I don't want to just become focused on the ground immediately under my feet.

Short Term Memory Loss

Somedays I don't really have anything to write about, today would be one of those days. I live my life on such a consistent schedule that it is hard to come up with anything interesting. I went to the gym, because I always go to the gym during the week, I ran while at the gym because that is what I do every day, same goes for the eliptical machine. My abs hurt for no real reason because I did not do any situps last night. I know of course that the benefit of consistency is the fact that exercise always gets done no matter what else goes on in my day. Just getting to the gym is 90 percent of the battle for me, once I am there working out on some level will occur. I am remembering more and more why I took up running in the first place about a year and a half ago. Yes, I don't always like it while I am actually doing it but the rush of endorphins when I finish running is always worth the pain. Of course, I don't actually think that when I am running, then it just really sucks somedays (today was one of those days). However, I am done know so I can let my brain delude me into thinking that it was really a lot of fun, thus making sure I will go back tomorrow.

Snack attack

Last night I discovered something interesting, cereal which is slightly too sweet for general consumption with soy milk makes an excellent snack. It is actually a healthy snack but they made it too sweet for me to eat a whole bowl (and that is an odd sentence for me the sweet food lover to write). So, today I made myself a little baggie of cereal and brought it with me to work as my morning snack. This leaves my more substantial energy bar as my afternoon snack at about 2:30 or 3:00. I am desperately trying to come up with a system which keeps me from randomly snacking my way through the office food supply. I am still in a lovely plateau, but I know from experience that no plateau lasts forever and eventually I will make my way out the other side of it (but not if I eat a bunch of really unhealthy food). My running speed has now moved up to 6.1 mph which is a 9:50 mile according to the treadmill and I am getting better at lifting my 15 lb weights. All of these things are good and I am focusing on them rather than the scale. I also notice that the more I work out and get fit, the harder it is for me to sit still for a long period of time. Yesterday I probably walked around the floor my office is on at least ten times. I fidget and I do not like sitting still. This is odd for someone who was the queen of laziness in the past and could sit still for hours. I understand the other side effects of losing weight but this one surprises me. I am used to being colder than I used to be (less body fat), getting full more quickly, and being more sensitive to the taste of sugar in things (I do not eat very much now). However, the restlessness surprises me, I have to be doing stuff or moving around a lot more than in the past. In the long run, that will no doubt be a good thing, it just surprises me though right now.

I'm back again

So, I have internet again after moving up three floors. It is still chaos up here but I have fashioned a small oasis in the middle of it for now. This morning I ran at 6.0 for twenty-five minutes with five 1 minute sprints at 6.5 mph interspersed throughout. My body is laughing in my general direction right now, so I am pretty much ignoring it and the scale. I have clearly re-entered the land of the plateau and will be spending some time visiting. I figured I was due for a plateau and my eating last week was not great so it is no surprise. I spent Sunday making brownies for work which effectively cleared the last chocolate, sugar and flour out of my apartment. Baking is generally a sign that I am slightly off-plan so this week I am working on being very on-plan. I have to run home at lunch so I will make and eat my salad there and maybe pick up a snack for later on this afternoon. At least my new desk is not near the food area and that is a real plus for me right now. Okay off I go to an early lunch.

Moving Day

My office is once again moving. Sigh. The good news is that we are only moving up three floors, the bad news is that the floor we are moving to is filled with boxes and not habitable yet. Sigh. I think watching me move was humorous since I moved all my boxes while wearing three inch heels (I have a meeting this afternoon). I expect by the end of today to have no internet and no phone connection at work, and who knows how long that will last. Hopefully we will be settled in by next week. I ran at 6.0 mph this morning, it was okay, not great and not horrible. Tomorrow is the last cardio workout this week which makes me happy and then it will be the weekend. Tonight is also my last weight workout for the week which will be nice especially since I have moved up to heavier weights. My weight is all over the place this week so I am basically ignoring it and just weighing in so I do not go horribly off track. I think this is the week in the month where I end up retaining water and being bloated which is always lovely. Right now, I am just focusing on making it through tomorrow and then the weekend stretchs out before me, albeit for only two days but it is still a weekend. I hate moving, have I mentioned that recently?

There will always be days like this

This morning reminded me of why I do actually sometimes enjoy running. It was almost effortless once I really started moving and I could have kept going for much longer (at least that is what it felt like). This is a surpassingly rare phenomenon for me, it happens about once every month. I needed that this morning, I had a horrible day at work yesterday which is not really worth discussing and I am begining to get ready for another trial in just over a week and a half. Add in piles of work that I have not gotten to yet, and yesterday was very stressful. I snacked a little at work yesterday, my fallback response to stress, but today I feel centered and calm because of my morning workout. This is why I went back to the gym in February of this year, and this is why I keep going back to the gym every weekday for the past six months religiously. Working out keeps me sane on some very basic level that I cannot really explain. Eighty-six pounds ago I would have eaten extra food and still felt bad the next day, now I run three miles and feel focused and calm. It does not always last past the morning hours but at least it happens occasionally.

The Apple Pie Story

The early afternoon is always the worst time for me. I start getting hungry and end up snacking. Plus, I always eat the actual packed snack I brought and then I am hungry 30 minutes later. Yesterday, one of my co-workers went to McDonalds (oh yes this has the potential to be a bad story) and got four of the apple pie things. Why she got four, I will never know. Anyway, she handed me one and said "Here Kat this is for you." This is an impossible situation, you can't really refuse it and now you are carrying around the fat person equivalent of dietary TNT. At least, if you are me, which I recognize that you are not, anyway moving on. I love all deserts and so when I am on plan I try really hard to stay away from sugar, if I am not eating sugar then I do not miss it but if I eat it, I end up in loads of trouble. So, I spent the next ten minutes wandering around the office carrying a little McDonalds apple pie. I think I came up with 30 reasons to eat it ( I am a lawyer, coming up with reasons is what I do) and very few if any reasons not to eat it. After ten minutes of staring at the pie, I finally got up, walked the twenty feet to the big office trash can and put the pie into it. No, I don't feel better as a result but thanks for asking. As a reward, the scale has put me up a pound to 157 today which only proves that you can't rely on the scale for any real validation.

Complacency

More and more recently I have been feeling what I refer to as the superior mind set coming back to haunt me. This is where I begin to indulge my inner thin girl, who has somehow managed to not be eaten by my inner fat girl (which is frankly impressive all things considered). She trots out, sniffs and then demands to know two things, one who invited alll the fat people and second how could they possibly remain overweight when all they have to do is eat less and workout more. She is very snotty, did I mention that? I worry about the inner thin girl, because she makes it really easy to lose focus about what I am doing and how careful I still need to be about food. More than that, I worry because I work very hard on not being one of those self-righteous born again fitness freaks who expects everyone to follow her path. Where I am is not necessarily where a lot of other people want to be, and there is nothing wrong with that fact. So, when the inner thin girl makes a grand appearance, the inner fat girl takes her on a walk back down memory lane. In this case, I went back and looked at pictures from 2002, 2003, and early 2004. Holy crap is pretty much all that comes to mind. I look like a giant inflatable balloon and I had looked like that for years which is frightening. My inner thin girl wonders why no one said anything about it, I point out that people did, and as a general rule she slinks away, not to be seen again for a few months. Complacency, it isn't a good thing, but it can be cured.

15 lbs

This weekend I went to K-mart, which frankly isn't saying much because it is the only place on island to buy cheap stuff. I am not a big fan of big box stores, but my budget is and it wins. So, Sunday morning I went to K-mart and headed straight for the small section of fitness equipment. I was looking for 12 lb dumbells, but they only had 15 lb weights. So, I bought two because there were no other options and took them home. I will spare you the discription of the 20 minutes it took me to find something to carry them up to my apartment, suffice it to say I almost dropped the weights on my car rear bumper and my toe three times. Once they were in my apartment, I ignored them for a couple of hours until I decided to do my weight workout. Okay, I am a big weakling, and I freely admit this fact, but boy did those weights make a huge difference. All of a sudden I was actually breathing hard and lifting to the point of failure for the first time in over a month. Tonight is going to be even uglier because tonight is my arm and shoulder workout. I used to lift 20 lb weights, I want to get back there eventually, but this was a reminder that I need to increase my weights about every month or else that will not happen. Oh, and when I have to carry 20 lb weights into my apartment, well that is going to be so funny that I should probably have it videotaped for posterity. In other news, I managed to run for 15 minutes at 6.0 mph this morning, the remainder was at 5.9 mph. I estimate that I am running about 15 miles every week on the treadmill which is really good for me. When I am running comfortably at 6.0 mph, I am going to start increasing the length of time that I run and also I am thinking about doing more intervals durring my running workouts. I am only really interested in running a 10 minute mile, but that may change the longer I run. Mostly, I am concerned about increasing the intensity of my workouts as I get more fit and in shape. Someday, I am going to get around to running a 5k but I am not really working towards that right now. I also spent yesterday cooking up salmon and some steak for my salads this week, tonight I will cook the frozen chicken breast I have at home. I have been eating just chicken for the last few weeks so I am trying to fit some variety into my diet.

You win some, you lose some

I have got to stop working on Saturdays. It is beautiful and sunny outside and I am in my office, trying to catch up on motions which are due on Monday. This is the problem with trial, it takes you away from all of your other work. My trial by the way, we lost. I can live with that, the jury thought I did a good job but there just wasn't enough evidence to convict. As long as I did a good job, I refuse to worry about anything else, besides in the end that is all you can really control. I am still exhausted and I never got around to breakfast today but other than that life is actually pretty good. Today, I am not working out at all and frankly I need the break. I am sitting at 155.5 still which is pretty good after having gone out last night and had two drinks and a bunch of popcorn. I really am going to go through my clothing this weekend and toss some stuff and see what can be salvaged for future use. I think a fair amount of stuff will just end up going because I am not wearing it on a regular basis. Anyway, back to work I go for a little while, hopefully I will be out of the office by about 2 pm.

Sleepytime

I need sleep in the worst possible way. I did not sleep well this week, I had trouble falling asleep because of trial and I went to bed late. This is a bad, bad, combination for me. I keep telling myself that I just need to get through today and tomorrow I can sleep in until 8 am. It is really bad when sleeping until 8 am qualifies as sleeping late. Tonight, I am going to go out with my coworkers for drinks so that will probably take me a little off plan. I can live with a little detour every now and again, so I am not worried. I was down to 155.5 today, so I am changing my weight loss count on the sidebar to say that I have lost 86 lbs. I love changing that count, just haven't been able to do it since I moved here and stopped being focused on weight loss. So, I am really back on track now and that makes me happy. People have definately noticed and that feels good. Anyway, I will write more later but I have to go prep for a bail hearing now.

Still holding

I am still at exactly 156 lbs today so I guess it is real. Then again, I probably burned off a few extra calories yesterday morning by pacing around the office before I went to court. By the way, trial is so much fun, it is a huge natural high and I am loving it. I am however very stressed, and yesterday morning the secretaries were actually worried that maybe I was throwing up in the bathroom because I was nervous. This did not happen, I just paced around the office and drank lots of water and then went to court. I did not sleep very much last night, my brain would not shut down, so I think total I got about 4 hours of sleep. Normally, I need at least 8 or 9 hours to function at top speed. In situations like this, coffee is the only solution. Thus, this morning workout was no fun at all because I was tired. I had a cramp for the whole time I was running in both my leg and my side. I still ran for my normal time though, and hopefully tomorrow will be better. I also lifted weights last night in a sort of cursory manner but at least it got done. Anyway, back to work now.

156, is it real or not?

I can't find my mascara. This probably seems like a small issue to the rest of the world, I do realize that fact. However, when you are in the middle of trial, every small issue feels as if it is magnified by a thousandfold. Thus, the inability to find mascara seems like a big issue right at this moment. I doubt we will win or lose based upon whether or not my eye lashes are blacker than normal and I don't have time to go and buy more mascara. So, I will worry about other things instead (and trust me I have other much bigger issues to worry about). This morning, I am down to 156 lbs. Now, I have no idea whether that is stress related, or due to copious amounts of working out every day. I ran at 5.9 mph today for 30 minutes and it really was horrible but it distracted me from what I have to do today and that was a beautiful wonderous thing. The only other thing which has managed to distract me is the novel "The Historian" which I picked up on a whim last weekend and spent two hours reading last night. Anyway, back to the exercise thing, most attorneys in my office claim to lose between 2-5 pounds during trial just from stress and not having time to eat. You spend all day in court and run around like a chicken with your head cut off outside of court trying to put out unexpected fires. So, there is very little time for eating extraneous food. I am forcing myself to eat my prepacked snacks if I get the chance, because otherwise I will end up way too low on calories for each and everyday. Then again, 156 could be a real weight since it is only down a pound from 157 which I kept hitting on and off last week. Who knows, who cares as long as in the grand scheme of things the scale keeps going down. I find the longer that I do this weight loss thing, the more zen I get about the actual numbers providing that they move slowly in a downward direction. Then again, you should expect a little dance when I get below 154 because that is the lowest number I have hit in the last two years and I am really looking forward to getting past it and moving onward.

The Labor Day Mystery

I feel I should tell you upfront that they did not take any pictures during the interview, and frankly I was relieved. However, I did get a chance to tryout my trial makeup which looked pretty good. This morning I was back at the gym and ran for my usual thirty minutes, half at 3.8 mph and half at 3.9 mph. Yesterday, I just lifted weights because the gym was closed and it was raining, not to mention there is no where safe to go running around where I live in town. This is my real question though, why does the gym have to close on labor day? I mean after all isn't it called "labor" day which implies that you should do some actual work. I would work out on a holiday during the week if the gym was opened but apparently that is not an option. I am back down to 157 again which is nice, who know if it will last. However, I am begining to see a real difference with my pants and shirts. This weekend I am going to have to go search for a tailor to get some things altered so that they fit properly again. I am not complaining mind you, just pondering on the fact that I seem to spend loads of money on clothing but end up with nothing that fits exactly right. I think when I reach goal weight, the really exciting thing will be having a permanent wardrobe.

You want to do what!?!

Do you know how to make a girl really panic? No I mean really panic instantaneously. Say the following sentence to her "So, for this story I am interviewing you for, I am finding it really hard to get photographs to illustrate it given the subject matter, so you don't mind if I bring a photographer to take your picture, right." Right, great now if I hold in my stomach when you take the picture, make sure I am wearing black clothing and standing up at just the right angle that'll be great, really. I am being interviewed tomorrow for a story which is related to my job, and that sentence came out of the reporter's mouth on friday. Thus, yesterday involved a panicked trip to the mall to find something black and to buy some makeup so I don't look dead if they do in fact take my picture. One black suit later, and some lipstick I feel no less panicked but hey I needed the clothing anyway. I am only grateful that the story is not actually about me losing weight, but I still am not that thrilled by the idea of photos of me in a magazine. Then again, I could still weigh 250 lbs and that would be much much worse. I will report back on Tuesday since tomorrow is a holiday.

Blogging call on account of Tropical Storm

I was gone yesterday because my office was closed. A typhoon was passing through the area and we were placed on "Condition of Readiness 1" which basically means that all government offices and schools are closed due to storm conditions. We just got a lot of rain and wind gusts up to 50 mph, not really a big deal out here where everything is built to withstand much heavier storm conditions. So, to say the least, people out here understand what is going on in New Orleans and our hearts go out to them. There was a supertyphoon a few years back that caused major damage and power outages for as long as a month. Really there is nothing I can say in the face of the devastation in New Orleans that doesn't sound trite, so I am not going to attempt it here. So, I spent yesterday indoors at home, listening to the radio, cleaning up, prepping for trial, and lifting weights. I did work out in the early morning before I realized that my office was closed. The gym was packed with people working out, all the crazy people who tropical storm or not were going to get a workout in before going home to put up typhoon shutters. Priorities are important things in this world. This morning I did my usual workout at the gym, much running at 5.8 mph and the eliptical machine. I am back down to 157 as of this morning, I have no idea if that is accurate or not.

Sleep deprived ramblings

Last night I woke up at 1 am freezing and could not get back to sleep. Eventually I figured out that I was sweating from being hot and that was combining with the slightly cool air from my air conditioner to make me really cold. I turned up the air and went back to sleep. Sleep deprivation is not a pretty thing in the morning, but it is really much worse when you get to the afternoon and need a nap. I'm exhausted and rather cranky today as a result. I did manage to run entirely at 5.8 mph this morning which was a plus. I am also back down to 158 as of this morning despite some more snacking yesterday, I really need to work on that, but it may not be today especially since I forgot an afternoon snack. I am concerned that I am apparently going to trial on Friday and I once again have no suits to wear because mine are too big. Suits are expensive and I simply can't afford to buy any right now, not to mention it is not cost effective because I will just end up replacing them as I lose weight, or at least that is my theory. I am going to swing by Ross tonight and see if I can find anything for really cheap to tide me over for a few weeks. Anyway, have to get back to work now.

A work in progress

I feel myself slipping a little bit recently on my eating plan. I think it is largely due to stress in recent weeks and a general lack of focus. I have always been a stress eater, I know this, I consider it to be a major step forward that I can actually identify when I am eating due to stress. I also eat when I am bored which explains this weekend. Mostly, it has been an extra popsicle or some chips, nothing major. Anyway, I am working on just drinking my water and eating my packed snacks, an energy bar in the morning, an apple in the afternoon. I bounced up to 159 this morning, I am not worrying about it, especially since I am hitting the time on the month when I always retain extra water weight. I am focusing more on what I am doing right, and watching what I put into my mouth. I ran this morning for 30 minutes, 15 minutes at 5.7 mph and fifteen minutes at 5.8 mph. Every week for about the past month I have raised the speed I am running at by .1 mph, it does not sound like much, but I have gone from running at 5.2 mph in July to running at 5.8 mph now. I am aiming for 6.0 mph which will mean that I am running a 10 minute mile again for the first time in a long time. This from a girl who has never really been a runner before. I have cranked up the resistence on my eliptical machine, I am begining to develop leg and arm muscles, all of these are huge gains. More than anything, I am taking better care of myself than I have in a long time. I slacked off on taking my multivitamin and my calcium pills every day but I am now taking them again. This probably sounds odd, but I have finally thrown away all my out of date makeup and I went and bought myself new facial cleansers. This is also a step forward since I need to take better care of my skin, especially given the amount that I sweat everyday (in and out of the gym, I do live in a really tropical environment). All of these are baby steps in the right direction and I am going to focus on that for awhile, rather than just worrying about occasional slip-ups.

The Pasta Problem

I did run this morning, so that means for the past two weeks I have managed to run five days each week. This was accomplished by simply stepping on the treadmill each morning and warming up for five minutes and then running. Apparently that is all it takes to make me run in the morning. Last night, after an incredibly long afternoon at work with meetings that went from 1:30 pm until 5:00 pm straight, I went to the store to buy soy milk. People, I share a lesson with you from the front of the diet wars, don't go to the store when you are really tired and hungry. One of two things will happen, you will buy food items you do not need or you will take a really long time to make up your mind. In my case, I was craving pasta (a long time comfort food) so I spent THIRTY. MINUTES. in the pasta aisle comparing the different types of whole wheat and regular semolina pasta. Then I bought the first package of whole wheat pasta that I had picked up when I walked into the aisle. Oh, and I bought two apples. Then I went home, lifted weights, and had pasta with chicken, garlic, and warmed up salad dressing (which is a pepper based salad dressing and tastes better warm, just trust me on that, okay). I am hovering at 157.5 today, I still think 158 is more accurate for the week but I am not complaining either way. I am just glad that the week is over and tomorrow is saturday. Although, tomorrow I may go to a work related outreach program.

Update

So, you may note that I have updated my profile slightly, and changed the links. I hate updating this site, I am not good with technology in anyway. I mean, I am a lawyer and I am sure there is a language somewhere in which that translates to "very bad with anything electronic". However, it seemed like time to post more accurate stats, and make my links be blogs which not only exist but which I read on a daily basis. So, there you go, updated bloggity goodness. I have no doubt you will notice that this means that I am finally admitting that I want to lose more than half of my original body weight. I am forced to admit that may end up being excessive eventually but to be honest, given my small frame and lack of height ( I am only 5' 2" tall), I have always figured that 110-115 lbs is what I should probably weigh. We will see what I think when I get closer to that weight. If it seems like I will end up being unhealthly skinny I will happily switch to maintainance before I hit that weight. So, that is where I am currently in my thinking. Oh, and don't expect me to change any other format things for awhile, it always makes my head hurt.

The problem with Thursdays

I have always rather disliked thursdays, they are the most tiring day of the week. It is not friday which is the end of the week and any energy which I had on monday or tuesday has evaporated on wednesday. I just drag through thursday, especially workouts, generally reminding myself that I only have to get up early one more day and then it is the weekend. Of course, I am terribly old now because sleeping in means that I sleep until 6 or 7 am rather than 4:30 am. Last weekend I knew that I was really exhausted because I slept until 8 am. My weight has been bouncing up and down a bit, yesterday it was 157, today 158. I think 158 is more accurate. I don't really care, it is below 160 again and that makes me happy. Also, I am wearing my size 10 petite pants and they are no longer cutting off my circulation. Okay, so it is going to take a couple more pounds before they really fit perfectly but I can live with that fact. Also, if I run tomorrow I will have managed to run for five days in a row for each of the past two weeks. I am running at 5.7 mph and next week I am going to start running at 5.8 mph. I can see that my fitness level is increasing the more that I run, I do have one concern which is the fact that my knee and ankle was twinging slightly last night. I have horribly bad ankles so I always worry about them. I felt okay this morning though and I will see how I feel tomorrow and take it easy if necessary.

And now for something controversial

I figure this post is the one which will get me nasty comments/flamed in a hurry. No doubt, this is why I avoid this particular topic like the plague. That topic would be weight loss surgery (WLS), which has definately become a hot button topic over the last couple of years. I have been asked if I had WLS, more annoyingly my friends have been asked behind my back if I have had it, usually with the implicit assumption that there is no way I could have lost the weight without surgery. I worry that is becoming almost a commonplace belief, that the only way to successful lose weight is to have WLS. I realize more and more that I personally have immense amounts invested in the fact that I did this (at least to this point) almost entirely on my own, no nutrionist, no personal trainer, prepackaged meals only very briefly at the begining. The closest thing I had to outside assistance was an initial weight program set up by my brother (which I am seriously considering going back to by the way). I have probably made loads of mistakes due to my insistance on doing this my way and only my way. How you ask does this relate to WLS? Well, frankly I worry about it on some level that I can't really explain. I worry about losing that much weight so quickly and what it could potentially do to your body, I can't imagine living (even just initially on so few calories). Mostly though, I worry that by losing weight so quickly you don't really learn how to live the rest of your life in a sensible manner in terms of food, that we address the physical issues and not the real struggle which is largely mental (at least it has been for me). I personally have need a long time to learn how to manage that aspect of losing weight and I still work on it as an issue. In all honesty, I was probably a candidate for WLS at my highest weight, or at least closing in on being a candidate. I had shortness of breath, trouble sleeping sometimes, and I was eating major amounts of unhealthy food in single sittings. I seriously considered lap band surgery for about a year. Obviously, I never did any of those things, probably due to sheer stubborness on my part. Also, I have had plastic surgery once and so far once is enough. I am glad I never had surgery, but I try really hard to not judge people who have had surgery. Maybe I am wrong to worry about all of this in the first place, certainly it is not really my personal issue anymore, but I think about it sometimes in the morning when I am on the way to the gym. I wonder if I sound like one of those weight-loss fanatics who thinks there is only one right way, I would hate to think I sound like that and I don't believe that, but I still worry about the prevalence of WLS. Then again, I worry about lots of things on a daily basis, it is part of my personality. So, tell me I am wrong, right, or just plain crazy, but I think we will all have to live with the fact that I probably will still worry.

Walking through the Past

I have no idea where I came up with the above title, but then I am running out of titles. I was looking at my archives from August 2004 and looking at the differences. I weighed about 166 pounds, I was running for about 50 minutes a day at around 5.0 mph and walking for 60 minutes. I was eating about the same amount of food. Now, I am about 158 pounds, down around 8 pounds from a year ago, I am only running for 30 minutes but I am running at 5.7 mph which is faster. I was a size 12 a year ago, right now I am hovering between a size 12 and a size 10, closer to a petite size 12 really. I was whining about having fat rolls, I am still whining about fat rolls only not as loudly. Overall, I am probably slightly more fit than I was a year ago, I have noticed that when I went back to the gym in the early part of this year I was able to do much harder cardio much more quickly than in the past when I have taken breaks from the gym. I had been working out in the interim but not really very hard. Mostly though, I notice that many of the themes of a year ago are the same today. For example, I still have an ever present desire to tell sales associates that I am really buying clothing for myself and it fits, no really it does, although I do not think they would actually doubt me on that score. In fact, on the theory that confession is good for the soul, I should note that going into high end stores that only sell a few items of clothing completely freaks me out. There is a BCBG store near where I live and I scuttle in there now and again and then scuttle out again just as quickly convinced that nothing will fit. You have a mental image of me as a small squat crab now right? Okay, maybe that is just me. I am more used to me at this weight now than I was a year ago, more used to my face, and still puzzled at the speed at which I have forgotten what it was like to be really heavy. Little things seem normal now that did not before, regular sized towels can be wrapped completely around my body, the bath water in the tub totally covers me, I shop in regular stores, and no one ever stares at the amount of food I am eating at any given meal. Little things but sometimes you have to take a walk through the past to see them.

When habit falls short

I am definately a creature of habit, every morning after I work out I go to the local gas station and get a huge cup of coffee. Then I drive the two minutes to work, go to my desk, drink a huge bottle of water along with my coffee and have half a Kashi breakfast bar. By nine a.m. I have usually walked over to court which is about 4 blocks away and I don't usually get back to my desk until lunch time. Lunch is always salad which I make the night before along with another bottle of water and at some point in the day I manage to drink two additional bottles of water. I think you can now see the problem with this schedule, I don't have an afternoon snack in there anywhere. I thinking I am consistently ending up low on calories as a result, which is not my intent. Today, I was going to bring an apple to work and have it along with some of the office supply of peanut butter (my office always has peanut butter and jelly floating around, don't ask me why) but I forgot to grab it before I left for the gym. I can usually rely on another co-worker to make popcorn but a lot of days recently I have ended up going home starving and then oddly becoming less hungry on the commute home and eating a small dinner. The simple solution is to stick an extra piece of fruit in my lunch bag, or buy something that I can keep at work such as popcorn. I just need to work on getting in the habit of doing that, after all once I get into a certain pattern it should be easy to manage in the long run.

Random musings on breasts and other things my mother wishes I wouldn't talk about on the internet

One of these days I am going to have enough time in the morning to write a really insightful post, it will not be today. This morning I managed three quarters of my run at 5.7 mph and the rest of it at 5.6 mph. Then I spent 35 minutes on the eliptical machine. This morning I weighed in at 158 and yesterday I was 159 and trust me I ate plenty of food on Saturday and Sunday so I guess I am officially into the 150's. Oh, and I discovered a really interesting thing this weekend while I was at K-mart. I have been wearing totally the wrong bra size. I have been wearing a 38C, (my parents will be so thrilled this information is on the world wide web) when actually I am a 38B. I will just say that the right sized bra makes an enormous difference when it comes to wearing clothing. I was invested in being a C cup because I had a breast reduction when I was really heavy and that was the size I ended up as after surgery, apparently losing 84 pounds will actually change that measurement. Oh, and I also had to buy smaller underwear, there is a definate benefit when you wear trousers everyday to not wearing underwear which hangs off your rear. I forgot how quickly losing weight becomes expensive because you are having to replace clothing items all the time.

Work again

I'm at work again today, and yes it is Saturday. I simply cannot get organized durring the week so I came in today to clean off my desk, figure out which cases need motions answered, and go through my mailbox. I worked until 7:00 last night and only spent two hours actually in my office so that gives you an idea about how hectic it is right now. On the plus side, I weighed in at 158.5 this morning, then again yesterday I barely stopped for lunch and I had a smoothie for dinner. I did run yesterday morning and it was a breeze and felt really good. Today is my day off and I swear that tomorrow morning I am going to go to Kmart and buy heavier weights because the ten pound weights are not causing any muscle fatigue at all when I lift. My plan for the rest of the day is to go to the grocery store on the way home and do all my shopping for the week and then I will probably stop at subway and get a sandwich for lunch. Then I am going to go home and clean up the apartment which is almost as big of a mess as my desk was because of the amount of stress I have been under this week. Then I am going to rest because I expect this coming week to be just as bad as this last week.

It all sounds the same

I read a lot of weight loss blogs, or more precisely I lurk on a lot of weight loss blogs. I am horrible at commenting, but I read a lot. More and more, the longer I do this in fact, I begin to notice themes. There are very similar struggles going on all over the place, problems getting up in the morning to work out, eating too much, eating too little, working out too hard, losing motivation completely, becoming suddenly remotivated, thinking one should be motivated but not being able to manage motivation, and so on and so forth. I especially notice posts about having to stop hiding behind the weight, about the struggle to figure out who you are or would be without the extra weight. I was always a shy kid and despite finding great joy in being a performer I still struggle with shyness. I hate the telephone, I'm not big on huge social gatherings and I am not much of a partier. My whole life I was overweight, and it was an easy way to hide from the scary parts of the world. The hardest thing about losing weight, and I've said this before, are the games you have to play with your own mind. The fact people notice me now is startling and at times overwhelming, I am no longer invisible in the way that I was at 242lbs. I'll give you an example, I have an important court hearing today so I am really dressed up, white skirt suit, red three inch heels, red shirt. It is a visually striking outfit to say the least. I did not really think about that when I picked it last night, it was the only suit left in my closet. This morning at the gym, all of the women in the locker room commented on it and complimented me. It freaked me out, because even now I don't expect people to notice me or what I wear on a daily basis. This is funny given the fact I have a relatively high profile job as one of only a few prosecutors on a small island. It still caught me off guard and I have been thinking about why that is for the past hour. I never expected to be noticed because I did not think I was worthy of the notice. The only things I really liked were my hands, my eyes, and my hair, all things unaffected by my weight. Now, I am proud of my body, it is not perfect, but I earned it. My calves are becoming toned and muscular from running, I have great collar bones that showed up at about 200 lbs and are even more prominent now, and I have really good shoulders. That is what I personally see now and I project it to the people around me. People notice confidence and they respond to it and that is startling and even unerving to those of us who may never have had that kind of attention before. I am slowly learning to accept the praise and feel overwhelmed. The longer I do this, the more I focus on the greatest gift the weight loss has given me, I look like my brother, mother, and father more and more every day. The family features which were somewhat obscured by layers of fat have emerged and you can see our connection to each other.

The mind-body connection

Somedays the mind is willing and the body is not, somedays the body is willing and the mind is not, somedays neither are willing. Today fell firmly into the third category. I'm exhausted, work is incredibly stressful, and I am not getting enough sleep. I ran anyway for 30 minutes and then did my 30 minutes on the eliptical. I've learned that as long as I just step onto the right machine, i.e. the treadmill, I will actually run. This is the way I look at it, you can do anything for an hour a day so I might as well workout hard regardless. The Navy Seals have this saying posted at their base in San Diego, "The only easy day was yesterday" and that has become my exercise philosphy. I don't have to like or even love it, I just have to get it done every single day. Admittedly, after I started running today, I had a pretty decent jog and I felt much better. I have run approximately 12 miles this week and if I run tomorrow I will have run around 15 miles for the week. Plus, I will have completely shattered my "I only have it in me to run three days every week." Now, I am going to do real work.

Just checking in

Over the past three days I have managed to run 9 miles. I am becoming one of those strange people who runs three miles everyday. I am still waiting for the point where I really enjoy it but I think really I am always going to like bits of it and not all of it. I was thinking about what I wrote yesterday and it occurs to me that the reverse is also true. This is to say, that there are people (including all of my close college friends) who have never seen me at any weight under 200 lbs. That is slightly odd to me, obviously I could post pictures here but I don't think it is appropriate because of my job. Anyway, I started this entry at 7 am and it is now after 11 and I need to focus on work. I was down to 160 lbs this morning which was my goal for this week.

Deep thoughts

I was thinking about something this morning as I was working out at my gym. In a nutshell, I was thinking about the fact that no one here has ever know me as the person I was in January of 2004. January of 2004 is my line in the sand if you will, it is when I began working out and eating right and for the first time in so many tries it stuck. In January of 2004 I was at least 242 pounds and really I probably weighed more that 242 lbs. I was a completely different person, physically, emotionally, in every way. No one here really knew that person. I was thinking about that this morning because I was running on the treadmill and every step I took was awful, my muscles are really sorry and they were cramping up on me. So, I made myself a deal, I would run for five minutes and see if it still hurt, if it still hurt I would stop running and move to the eliptical machine. In minute three my muscles were sufficiently warmed up (and yes I warm up before I start running) that the cramps faded away and I kept running. It was not a great run, but it was a thirty minute run which I would never have done in December of 2003. I would have stopped because it would be too hard and I would have given up. People in my office tease me about my fanatical devotion to the gym which includes getting up at 4:40 am every single morning during the week. They laugh at my insistence that the "food table" which usually has donuts and cookies on it, does not exist and is a fiction of my imagination. They worry about the fact I spend every lunch hour at my desk and never go out to eat. They see the healthy person and never saw the fat girl. More and more, I see that girl too, but I am still learning how to be that person. I'm learning that I am okay sticking with my salads and how much I love salads with apples and walnuts. I'm learning how to dress myself without hiding parts of myself for the first time. I'm learning to like exercise and how much better I feel when I run and my body is active. I'm learning to be okay with the choices I make each day and with the person I see in the mirror everyday. Most of all, I'm learning how to talk about who I was, who I am now, and how to make peace with the journey I have taken over the past couple of years.

A brief check in

If you ever thing that you do not need to change up your weight workout every few weeks, well my rear and thighs would like to argue with you. Oh ow, I changed my leg and arm workout yesterday and today I am very sore. Basically I added an extra stretch on my lunges and a slight extension on my squats by finishing them off by standing on my tiptoes. Then I ran this morning which has no doubt increased the soreness. The first five minutes of running was hell on earth because even with a warm-up, one of my legs cramped up. However, it did improve and I managed 30 minutes. On Sunday I hit 161 so I am on target again. Work is very stressful right now so I am just trying to stay on plan and on track, so far it is working.

The weekend

This is my weekend to work so I am actually at the office. Yesterday despite feeling really exhausted and out of sorts I did actually manage to run for thirty minutes on the treadmill at 5.5 mph. So, I ran 4 out of 5 days this week and added an extra hour and 30 minutes of cardio into my schedule. I am still holding at 161.5 but I am wearing a size 10 dress and I am going to have to get rid of one of my size 12 suits because it is too large, so I cannot complain. I went out for drinks last night with my friends from work and as a result I never had dinner. I don't think large amounts of popcorn really count as a meal which is what we were served at the bar. Today is my day off from any sort of exercise which as always comes at the best time in the week because I am exhausted and tired from a very stressful work week. I am going to take the weekend easy because I expect Monday will be long and hard given the amount of work which is begining to pile up on my desk.

Conference girl

Tuesday and Wednesday of this week I was at a conference for my continuing legal education. I have some thoughts now that I am back at regular work. First, why do these sorts of events always serve pastries for breakfast? I swear there was not a piece of fruit within five miles of the conference room in the morning. I skipped all the baked goods and had coffee instead (I brought my own breakfast snack). Second, when did buffet lunches become an excuse for people to see how much food they can put on their plates? The one day they served lunch, I stuck to salads and a piece of chicken. I have grapefruit for desert, because in an odd move there was fruit at lunch. This clearly proves that the hotel had fruit in the building and could have served it at breakfast but I digress. The one great benefit of the conference was that it started at 8:30 am which meant I did not have to get to the hotel which is about 10 minutes from my apartment until a little after 8 am. So, I had an extra 30 minutes to workout. Tuesday and Wednesday I did 90 minutes of cardio instead of just 60. Today, since I am back on my normal schedule I did 75 minutes of cardio including 30 minutes of running at 5.5 mph. This week I have already run 3 times at 5.5 mph, maybe I will run tomorrow and make it 4 days for this first time in a long time. Running is definately getting easier and even though there was no air conditioning I actually felt pretty decent during the run. I hit 161.5 today on my scale, not sure how accurate it is but at least it is a move in the right direction.

Monday rambling

This morning, I put aside all my lovely little excuses and ran at 5.5 mph for 30 minutes. I always think it qualifies as a good workout when you feel mildly ill at the end of it. Mostly, this was a challenge to myself since I can never make myself run on Mondays for some reason and I always feel guilty about it. So, I ran and then I used the eliptical machine and kicked up the resistence level on that by 1 level as well. A bottle of water and an energy bar later, I feel almost normal now. I was attempting to make up for a party I went to last night at one of my co-worker's houses, even though I did manage my food reasonably there and skipped the desert. Saturday morning despite my copious whining I hit 162 on the nose and though after the weekend I have climbed slightly to 162.5. So, I figure that I am still averaging my 1lb loss a week which is all that I am aiming for in the long term. I can maintain a pound loss a week, more than that is hard for me to maintain in the long run. Oh, I decided that I am not setting mini-goals this week, I am just trying to live up to all my previous goals and working on generally increasing the difficulty of my workouts. We will see how that goes for this week.

I live on a tropical island and other excuses.

There was no running this morning. Want to know why? I live on a tropical island. Okay, maybe I should elaborate on that statement. I live on a tropical island and when the air conditioning is broken at the gym, I do not run. My gym rather resembled a small sauna this morning, and even though I have long ago adjusted to the heat here, I am not quite to the level of enthusiam required to run in a sauna for 20 or 30 minutes. The eliptical machine and I bonded this morning instead for a solid hour. I did however have a smaller cup of coffee this morning than normal, which I think can be considered as a small victory. I lifted weights last night and have a sore left shoulder to prove it, I think that must be due to poor form rather than intense lifting on my part. My body has entered the 163 plateau this week and is holding on for dear life, so I am just focusing on staying on plan and not worrying about it right now. 163 is a lot better than 173 which is where I was a little over a month ago, and way better than 250 where I start a year and a half ago, so I am not going to complain. Oh, and I am wearing suit pants that are too large which is always enjoyable, so overall life is good and what else can you really ask for on a friday. Plus, I live on a tropical island with all the beautiful white beaches and lush jungles I could ever want to explore.

Mini-Goal Review

1. 4 16 oz bottles of water a day and no soda-Yup, this one is still easy and has been accomplished. Once I got the soda out of the house it was easy to just drink water instead because there is not anything else available except for the soy milk for my cereal in the morning. 2. Drink less coffee (note the non-specificity, I'm just trying to cut down a little on caffine). I am not really managing well on this durring the week because I work in an office which feels like the artic tundra in the middle of a really bad cold snap. Therefore, I am going to start by eliminating coffee on weekends and drinking smaller cups of coffee in the morning on weekdays. I only have one cup of coffee a day so that is good. 3. Run 3 or more times this week (I think three times may be my limit) I ran this morning so that means I have actually accomplished this goal although I will probably try to run tomorrow as well. I have managed to work myself back up to 30 minutes of running and now I am working at getting back up to running the whole thing at about 5.5 mph (I am only running 15 minutes at 5.5 mph right now and the rest at 5.3 to 5.4 mph). 4. Lift weights 4 times this week. Once I lift weights tonight, this goal will be done for the week. It is pretty easy now that I have scheduled myself to lift weights on Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I need to buy heavier and lighter weights this weekend because I only havy one set of 10 lb weights and I need more variety available for my workouts. 5. Have one really hard workout day-An attempt to ramp up how hard I workout. I am counting today as my hard workout day, I ran for 30 minutes and then did a pretty tough hill climb workout on the eliptical machine for another 20 minutes, plus I am lifting weights when I get home tonight. 6. Cut down on mayo-I really love mayo but I am trying to eliminate it from my diet again. So far, I have eaten no mayo this week, and I really need to remove it from my fridge so it is not sitting there taunting me to eat it. 7. Eat salad at lunch 2 times this week-here we go with cutting bread entirely out of my diet again. I brought salad for lunch today and I will probably have a salad on Saturday as well. I also had salad last night for dinner. I would have salad tomorrow but I don't want to go to the store to buy more lettuce today (I am basically out) and a co-worker is bringing in lunches tomorrow as a fundraiser for his son's school (the lunches involve chicken so I am just going to eat that bit and leave what does not fit in my diet). 8. No bread with dinner. This is pretty easy because I bought another roast chicken and I have been eating that and the fruit and vegetables in my house.

Catching my breath

This is the first time today I have really had a moment to catch my breath. I ran for 30 minutes this morning, along with another 25 minutes on the eliptical machine. Then I discovered that there was no hot water at my gym and ended up taking a freezing cold shower before going to work. I have been working ever since I got into the office at 7 am this morning. I spent all morning in court which always messes with my day in terms of getting paperwork done. Tonight, I am going to lift weights and then get to bed early because I am exhausted. Hopefully, I will still feel motivated enough to run tomorrow and make it three days in a row. We will see what happens tomorrow.

This is my day

This is how my day has gone so far, and it is only noon. Wake up with a horrible headache, stagger into the bathroom and take two pain pills. Forget to take pain pills to work in case needed later in the day. Go to the gym, run at a slowish pace due to combination of exhaustion and headache remnants. Use the eliptical machine, shower, go and buy coffee. Get asked the same question three times at the coffee store until actually realize the employees are speaking to you (helpful if only person in the shop at this point). Go to work, write two motions by 9 am and deal with very peeved co-worker about work issue. Decide you cannot live with your very messy desk so clean it off and discover many things which should have been previously dealt with only they got buried in mounds of paperwork. Make a molestation victim cry. Manage all this by 11 am at which time the headache has returned only without the pain medication option. Other than that I am fine and at least it is lunch time, so I am going to imbibe copious amounts of water now and see if that helps. Plus, I ran this morning and that it one day of running complete which is always a good thing.

Skinny Pants

Friday was bad in terms of food, I went out after work with co-workers and had bad food (which we can blame on the alcohol I drank). However, I was back on plan by Saturday morning and back at the gym this morning. Last night I lifted weights and did lots of lunges and squats, I really hate lunges by the way. Today, I am wearing my size 10 slacks which is nice, these are the slacks I bought 8 months ago, put them on every couple of weeks and then took them off because they were too tight and put them away. They are slightly tight still but definately wearable now, it is almost like buying new clothes without having to spend actual money. Anyway, now on to my goals for the week: 1. 4 16 oz bottles of water a day and no soda 2. Drink less coffee (note the non-specificity, I'm just trying to cut down a little on caffine) 3. Run 3 or more times this week (I think three times may be my limit) 4. Lift weights 4 times this week 5. Have one really hard workout day-An attempt to ramp up how hard I workout 6. Cut down on mayo-I really love mayo but I am trying to eliminate it from my diet again 7. Eat salad at lunch 2 times this week-here we go with cutting bread entirely out of my diet again 8. No bread with dinner I think that is enough for this week, more than that will be hard to manage and remember over the week. In terms of my weight goal, I am going for being 162 solidly this week which would be about 1 lb this week. I bounced up to 163 after Friday but I'm pretty sure I will get down to 162 by the end of this week. Okay, off to work I go since it is now after 8 am.

Two down, four to go

Hah, two goals down already this week. I ran again this morning so that is one goal done. I lifted weights 4x this week so that is also done. Done is good to quote a famous saying from my college. Today, food is going to be a problem. There is a work function for lunch and I anticipate there being ridiculous amounts of food in the office. I am just going to try and be really careful because this is not something that I can skip. Normally I would cook for something like this, but I am not baking things right now because I don't want the temptation brought into my apartment. I think bringing chocolate into my house would be a really bad idea. I contributed monetarily instead to the lunch. Oddly enough when I start baking a lot, it is generally a sign that I am completely off plan and need to reign in my eating habits as quickly as possible. I wonder if there is a bakers anonymous program somewhere I could join (just kidding). So, lunch will be a problem and then there is another party this afternoon which will also be a problem. I shall get through it somehow I am sure of that fact. Anyway, I am off to court now.

The road to recovery

I feel better today, not 100 percent but better. Last night I felt very yucky so my weight workout at home was rather abbreviated, but the important thing is that I did actually lift weights. This morning I took it a little bit easy and ran very slowly at 5.2 mph (my normal speed is at least 5.5 mph). I was only going to run for 15 minutes but ended up feeling okay at the 15 minute mark so I ran for 25 minutes instead. I did five minutes of warm up and five minutes of cool down on the treadmill and then 25 minutes on the eliptical machine. Last night I did not think that I would be able to run three times this week, now I think I will probably make that goal by tomorrow which is my last running day. In comparison to the running, everything else has been easy to do this week. Mostly though, I am pleased with myself for sticking with the exercise this week, it would have been really easy to skip it based on how awful I felt. Even so I will be glad when this week is over and I can sleep in and rest up for next week.

Can you sense the theme?

In case you are wondering, the theme for this week on my blog is the following: Kat feels ill. Yup, day three of whining about feeling mildly sick is now commencing without delay. I actually took tylenol this morning before I went to the gym which is unusual for me since I only take medication as a very last resort (I never said I made intelligent decisions). Then after I sort of worked out, there was no running only a hour of not terribly hard eliptical work, I went to the store to see if I could get a thermometer and check my temperature. Nope, none to be had which is not surprising given the way shopping on this island works. Then I went to work and a cup of coffee and a bottle of water later I feel sort of functional. We will see how the day goes. I am still on plan, no slips on food which is probably solely due to the fact that I discovered that one of the supermarkets I frequent sell roasted chickens. This means I can eat chicken for dinner along with things like tomatoes and not really have to cook. This week that is really fabulous due to the fact by the end of the day I feel icky and almost totally non-functional. Oh, on the plus side, I am down to 162.5 on the scale today which indicates that I am pretty well on track since my goal for this week was to be 163. Okay, must go and find klennex now for my nose.

Dr. Kat's Wellness Prescription

This is the Kat method of dealing with a cold (I am thinking of patenting it someday). Feel horrible all day, so bad that you inform defense counsel that you may be out of the office sick in the next few days. Stay until 5 pm and then go run errands rather than going directly home and sleeping. Go home, read a magazine for 1.5 hours and then lift weights for 20 minutes. Somewhere in there have your one soda for the day due to the fact you feel like crap. Go to bed an hour later than normal for no good reason at all. Wake up at 4:40 am and reflect on the fact you still have a cold and breathing through your nose is not really working. Go to the gym. Remember on the way that one of your goals for the week is to run during three workouts. So, start out the morning running intervals on the treadmill. Do not do nice easy intervals due to feeling bad and the aforementioned cold. No, run at 6 mph for five minutes, walk 1 minute at 3.8 mph and repeat until you have run for a total of 25 minutes. Then cool down on the treadmill, wipe off any germs you got on it, and hop on the eliptical machine for another 25 minutes. This means with 10 minutes for warm up and cool down, total cardio time is 65 minutes. Then go shower, buy a latte and go to work (which will be air conditioned so you will have wet hair and freezing cold temperatures). Yeah, this was a really excellent plan for the morning. I think we should all be glad I am a lawyer and not a doctor, we will all live longer because of that fact.

I feel icky

I think I am coming down with a cold, I have all the initial signs, sore throat, headache, and a generally bad disposition. So, I went to the gym anyway this morning. I'm one of those people who will always go the gym unless I am really, really not feeling well. I am drinking a lot of water, although I don't think the large cup of coffee I just had qualifies as being helpful for a cold. Anyway, I have set new goals for this week which are as follows: 1. Only 1 soda a day (I only have three left in my fridge when they are gone there is no more soda coming into the house) 2. Four 16 ounce bottles of water a day (as opposed to just at work because I am not drinking enough water at home) 3. Bread 1x with dinner. 4. Coffee only in the morning. 5. Weights 4x a week. 6. Run 3x this week. I think that is enough for the week. I have an entire shelf in my fridge filled with water bottles. That's right people, an entire shelf of water. I had to reorganize my fridge to fit it all. On the plus side, I bought a dress this weekend which was size 10 and found another size 10 dress that I really liked but did not buy because it was rather expensive and not practical for work. Eventually I will have to get rid of my whole wardrobe again and drop down a size but I have about a month and a half minimum before that becomes an issue. Anyway, off to work I go again.

Scale games

Yesterday was a holiday here, so my gym was closed. So, no cardio because it was also raining all day long and I had no desire to go and run in torential rains. However, I did lift weights, thus completing one mini-goal, four days of weight (I also lifted on Wednesday). I had a wrap for dinner last night which is the first bread at dinner this week. I will make that mini-goal as well since I am only counting the week through Saturday (I start my workout week on Sunday so I count weeks from there). Other than yesterday, I have been drinking all my water, yesterday I was really lazy about it but I only had 1.5 sodas so that was okay. Oh, and I did run twice this week, once on Monday and once on wednesday. Anyway, I have also moved my scale in my apartment from my bedroom back to the bathroom. Now, this sounds like a small thing but my bedroom is carpeted and thus I weight two pounds less on the scale in there as opposed to the bathroom which is tile. As of this morning, my official weight is thus 164 lbs. Now, I moved the scale originally because I liked believing that I weighed two pounds less than I actually do in reality. If denial is a river in Egypt, I have been approaching a large lake in Africa for the last 9 months on actual weight loss reality. So, in the spirit of being actually focused on what I need to accomplish over the next 6-12 months I moved the scale back. This is the part that makes weight loss really difficult, the head games, if it was easy mentally we could all manage the physical part. Where people fail has way more to do mind tricks than food or exercise. So, the scale had to go back to the bathroom.

Earning it

Fergie from the music group the Black Eyed Peas said the coolest thing in a magazine (please I read everything, I already told you this fact). As I recall, what she said was "I believe you earn your self esteem and one way I earn mine is by working out." I read that and thought, yes that is it exactly. Actually, the whole interview was cool because it was a celebrity (in a position to really influence young woment) saying that she has to watch what she eats and work out to achieve the body she has right now, and if she does not eat right, hey she gains weight. I am completely stealing the above statement and using it from now on to explain why I work out. Part of my ability to look at myself in the mirror and be happy is the ability for me to say that I accomplished today what I set out to do. Working out is a huge part of that for me right now. This morning, I ran for 25 minutes and did another 30 minutes on the eliptical machine, I will lift weights at home tonight. I had no soda yesterday, or bread with dinner. So, one goal for the week is already done, two days of running under my belt. and so far so good on the increased water and less bread plan. Slowly but surely I am earning who I want to be, and that feels really good.

Small goals, day 2

I should note initially that I am doing just fine on the mini goals. Drank more that eight glasses of water yesterday and only the two alloted sodas (although I realized at some point yesterday that I was only drinking the soda because it was there, so I did not bring any soda to work today). I lifted weights last night, so that is two days of weight lifting done for the week. There was absolutely no bread with dinner yesterday and I think I even made the required 5 daily servings of fruits and vegetables. I did not run this morning, I am sore and tired so I took it easy and just did an hour on the eliptical and stretching. Tomorrow, I am going to run especially since tonight is a rest night from weight lifting so I should feel better. Overall, I feel one hundred times better than I did even a week ago, my skin is starting to clear up (thank you copious amounts of water), I have more energy and feel less befuddled generally.

Little Goals

I think in the interests of full disclosure I should make a confession, I spend my life reading random exercise advice. I have read magazine articles, books, online blogs, anything you can think of about diet and exercise. I read Dr. Phil's book, was not terribly helpful for me, I read the stuff by Oprah's trainer, I read a bunch of cookbooks, so on and so forth. So, this weekend I was at the bookstore, and I picked up the following book, G-Force by Gunnar Peterson. Now, I found it really useful, probably because his philosphy on exercise and mine match up, and also because I was looking to change my resistance workout and make it harder. I like a book where I can adopt an actual plan and lift weights at home because it means I can spend the hour at the gym doing cardio work. Oh, and today after using one of his suggested intermediate workouts, my rear is seriously sore. Many squats and lunges on sunday night were probably the culprit, plus I hate lunges so I avoid them usually. In other news (I suddenly feel like a bad evening news anchor, you know with the immobile hair) I am adding mini-goals to every week to get back to being fully on plan. This week, my goals are as follows:

1. Drink more water and only 2 diet sodas a day

(Long term plan is to once again elimintate soda from my diet).

2. Bread at dinner only 3 times this week

( I have been eating way too much bread and not enough

fruit and veg, this is my first step towards fixing that problem).

3.Lift weights 4 times this week at home

(Arms with definition, this is my ultimate goal)

4. Run at the gym twice this week

(I am working on not just meandering along on the eliptical anymore)

There you are, my goals for this week. So far, I have lifted weights once, run once (this am), and eaten one dinner without bread. Oh, and I have not had any soda today and I just drank a bottle of water, .5L plus I drank a bottle of water while working out. So, far so good, now let me see how the week goes along.

Gym Phenomenon.

Err, yeah. It is friday therefore I am suffering from brain overuse and have nothing to say really about life. I will tell you this, I saw the most interesting phenomenon at the gym today, people drinking coffee while working out. I understand drinking coffee before working out, even drinking coffee immediately after working out, but while working out? Frankly I was rather boggled by it until I realized that one of the two individuals was not really working out hard , rather she was on what appeared to be a very leisurely stroll on the treadmill. In other news, I am starting to get past the whole sugar craving thing, I have now walked past the cinnamon rolls in the office 4 or 5 times without really thinking about it. The place where I do not want to eat sugar all the time is a beautiful location that I have not visited in months. I like it, I'm thinking of hanging out here for awhile.

You should work here

Somedays I really love my office. Now it is not just because the secretaries harass me and make me answer phones, or the fact that we have an amazing ability to amuse each other. No, it is for days like today when one co-worker brought in bannanas from her tree and another co-worker brought in home grown avocados. Only my two most favorite fruits in one day. I think if you have read the archives this would be abundantly obvious. Oh, and home grown avocados are a really good thing, trust me on this one fact. Normally, I have an office environment filled with every processed food imaginable but today is not that day. Now, if I could just convince the powers that be to put a treadmill somewhere in the building so I could jog during my lunch hour for stress relief purposes (I'm way too lazy to go back to the gym after I have been there once already), I would be totally set. I think they are going to put in a lunch room instead, sigh. Still, avocados and bannanas in one day, now that is a good day.

Beating a Dead Horse

I am still thinking about this whole "it isn't about the weight thing", probably because of the comment on the last post (which is lovely and thank you). I think however, it is important to me that it is not about the weight loss because of the following thing. Yes, I am completely re-hashing already covered ground, I am a lawyer and this is what I do in my regular life. Ultimately, I don't think it can be about the weight loss because that is not enough motivation (for me) to maintain the loss. More and more I am thinking about maintainance as a long term goal and the more I think about it, the less it can be about what I weigh on the scale. I do not go to the gym every day during the week at the horrific hour of 5 am because all I can think about is losing weight, I go because I feel better when I walk out of there at 6:30 in the morning. I am not tense, my body is awake enough to go to work, and I feel more focused. I don't watch what I eat just because I am trying to lose weight, when I eat crap I feel like crap. That is what it has to be about long term, because at 60 I don't want to be obsessed about what I weigh, I want to be able to hike through the alps or wander around Paris all day without my body completely betraying me. Heck, I just want to reach 60 without getting diabetes or having a heart attack. So, yeah I am beating a dead horse on this issue, but trust me, in the long run it cannot be about the weight, it has to be about the life.

The deals I make

Yesterday, after I realized that I would not be running around like a little stress ball today I promised myself I would do a harder cardio workout this morning. It was an admittedly odd little deal to make with my own brain but I went with it. This morning I ran for about 25 minutes at 5.4 miles per hour, walked for another 10 (warm up and cool down from running) and did 25 minutes on the eliptical machine. I am fairly certain that qualifies as harder cardio than I have managed since I pulled the muscles in my leg doing jumping jacks. I also lifted some weights before I had to run out of the gym and go to the store to pick up non fat soy milk for my morning cereal. In other news, I have been rereading my old archives from more than a year ago. Personally, I date my weight loss efforts to January of 2004 but I only started blogging in May of 2004. It is a little humbling to be reminded of where I was back then and where I am right now. I worked out harder a year ago, but I ate about the same, and I was much, much unhappier than I am now. I hate to be one of those people who points at weightloss and says "see how this makes your life better" because frankly I do not believe it. It just made parts of my life different, but then again so did getting my job which I have had for almost a year, and my cat, and half a dozen other things. Still, losing weight made me more comfortable in my own skin and I am grateful for that fact. It is the little things, like not worrying about what the people at the gym think when I show up in the morning, not losing my breath when I climb up a flight of stairs, shopping in normal sized people shops, and all the myriad little things that should not be a big deal but are in my life. I figure with all of that and good shoes I am pretty much content.

Then God said Ha

Well, actually the court said hah. So, my trial just got pushed for probably 3-4 months at a minimum. The sad thing is, I have three or four more lined up in a row so it is more like whose next rather than anything else. I think it is going to take a good three or four days before the tension from the last two weeks really leaves my body. Now at least I can push some paperwork through that I have been putting off and finish getting organized. Well, sort of organized only not really. Oh, and seriously people I now need a nap. I'm just saying.

My body is weird

My body has gone insane, at least this is what I have decided. Yesterday, I stepped on the scale in the middle of the day in an attempt to grab my cat who was playing in my shoes (my scale is next to my closet so this is not as odd as it sounds) and I weighed in at 164. After eating breakfast and having a huge cup of coffee. I decided that this clearly could not be right and could be accounted for by the fact that I was simultaneously reaching for a small furry beast and thus all my weight was not on the scale. So, I tried it again once I had dealt with the cat and nope it was right the first time, 164. So, I think I am not eating enough, I don't have time to worry about it this week but this coming weekend I am really going to have to look at what I am eating and adjust my food choices. This is actually a good sign for me, because it means I am eating pretty clean in terms of food (i.e. minimal amounts of really processed food) and just need to adjust upward. If there is one thing I have learned over the last year and a half, when I am eating really healthy food it is hard for me to hit the correct calorie amount. I almost always end up below where I should be in terms of calories. I aim for 1,500 but have a bad tendency of ending up at 1,200 which is less than I should be eating given my activity level. However, this week is probably going to be pretty hellish, I do not know a single lawyer who doesn't lose weight from going to trial and the associated stress level and so I am not worrying about it until the weekend. I will reevaluate on Saturday when I go and do my weekly grocery shopping and come up with a plan when I have some brain space to spare. Oh and in a side note I do feel it is important to point out the following to my brother, "Dude, you are really old now, Happy Birthday!" (On the off chance I forget on July 12 which is the start date of my trial and his actual birthday).

I'm at work on Saturday. Yes, I reall am that anal and I have a felony trial next week. So, I am at work because it is easier to get things done here than at home and I have internet access. Clearly this is why I am typing on my blog rather than doing actual work. Thank you everyone for the lovely birthday wishes, in the end I went out for a few drinks with my coworkers and then went home to bed. It was pretty much how I wanted to spend my birthday, a few extra calories in the drinks and I had some peanuts and a little bit of bannana bread but overall no major overeating and no cake. Today, I am not working out and already my one leg feels better than yesterday. I am a big believer in rest days to let your body recover from working out and heal itself. It is part of my whole theory that if I am going to do this for the rest of my life I should not do something really detrimental that prevents that from being a possibility. Anyway, back to work I go now.

Happy B-day to me

So, today is my 28th birthday. I have sneakily managed to keep this fact quiet at work, which prevents all sorts of things such as cake, b-day lunch, and other dietary problems from happening to me. Of course, I ate my lunch at 11 am which may lead to afternoon snacking but I will try to prevent that from happening to me. I am going to trial next week which is the only reason that I am currently at work, otherwise I would have taken the day off. I might go buy myself a work shirt and shoes for my birthday tonight, especially since I am planning on coming into the office tomorrow to do prep work. I am still doing fine on my diet and decent on my exercise since I still have a sore left calf from last weekend. Tommorow is my day off from exercise and I will probably do something light on Sunday like just lifting weights. 166.5 today on the scale which means I am begining to equalize in terms of the initial week of weightloss on plan which is comforting in an odd way. I was going to write a more interesting post than this, but it will have to wait until I am not doing trial prep like mad.

Oh will you look at that

The amazing thing is, if you watch what you eat and work out, you will lose weight. The minute I started really watching my food intake at work, my weight dropped. Today, I hit 167 which is a little freaky (we could argue about how often you should weigh yourself, but weighing myself a lot has worked in the past so it is what I am going with again) but I assure you I had enough to eat yesterday. I had a small sandwhich at lunch and then I went out for a salad with a co-worker (did not know I was going out to eat at the time I had the sandwhich) and then a small dinner to make up for the large lunch. I know a lot of this initial drop is probably water weight and I expect everything to equalize in the next week. However, it is impressive the change that I can make by not stuffing my face at work. Yesterday, someone brought a cake in, which I managed to avoid and really the only deviation was the salad and a large latte with equal and cinnamon. The restriction on food has also been good for me because I did a lot of jumping jacks on monday and my legs have been sore ever since, thus workout have not been particularly hard at the gym. I have still been working out but not able to muster much enthusiasm for the process. I have managed to lift weights three days this week though and do a lot of sit ups which is an improvement. Once again, I am forced to acknowledge that when I can actually get everything on plan, I do much better than only being partially on plan. I may not be smart about it all the time, but I am learning.

Addiction

Yesterday was entirely on plan in terms of eating. Stuned? Yes, me too. However, I probably should have eaten a little more because I think I ended up at below 1200 calories, which is way less than the 1500 calories I should probably be eating. Then again, after the last few months a week of 1200 calorie days would not be a bad thing. That is what I am going for this week, a strict no cheats week of on plan food eating. When I am on plan, whatever the plan is, it takes at least a week for it to not be a struggle and a month for it to be easy. I have come to think of my relationship with food as a sort of addiction, I have been overweight probably since I was five years old. I spent about 22 years eating for all sorts of reasons: because it tasted good, because I was bored, because I was happy/sad/depressed, as a social activity, and probably just because I could do it. I still have problems determining when I am really hungry as opposed to wanting food for a different reason. Still, I am making progress and at 28 to be around 168.5 lbs (as of this morning) as opposed to 250 lbs is tremendous progress for me. Still, I have been struggling with food for awhile now and what I need to do for myself is make it easy, no excuses, and no deviations. I made it through yesterday and I can make it through today and right now that is all I am focusing on, a single day, hour, and minute at a time.

Plan what Plan

So this is the realization that I have come to people, at some point you have to stop saying you are actually back on plan and really get on plan. Possibly the fact that I am turning 28 on Friday brought this realization to me, or it could be that I ate entirely too much last Friday during the day and then skipped dinner (not a good method for compensating). Anyway, I know what my problem is in a single word "work". I snack at work on bad things and that must stop. Frankly, what I eat on the weekends is just fine but I am killing any weight loss durring the rest of the week. So here we go again, with a new date in mind, October 17, 2005. Why October 17, you ask, because I may be flying back to the U.S. then and I would like to be down a size or so for when I buy new clothing. Oh, and for the nice poster who asked if I was at goal weight yet, um no, as the above probably indicates, but I keep aiming for it. Oh and I don't expect to have lost all the weight I have to lose by August, frankly I am just aiming for 15-20 pounds which given my life recently seems reasonable.