Deep thoughts

I was thinking about something this morning as I was working out at my gym. In a nutshell, I was thinking about the fact that no one here has ever know me as the person I was in January of 2004. January of 2004 is my line in the sand if you will, it is when I began working out and eating right and for the first time in so many tries it stuck. In January of 2004 I was at least 242 pounds and really I probably weighed more that 242 lbs. I was a completely different person, physically, emotionally, in every way. No one here really knew that person. I was thinking about that this morning because I was running on the treadmill and every step I took was awful, my muscles are really sorry and they were cramping up on me. So, I made myself a deal, I would run for five minutes and see if it still hurt, if it still hurt I would stop running and move to the eliptical machine. In minute three my muscles were sufficiently warmed up (and yes I warm up before I start running) that the cramps faded away and I kept running. It was not a great run, but it was a thirty minute run which I would never have done in December of 2003. I would have stopped because it would be too hard and I would have given up. People in my office tease me about my fanatical devotion to the gym which includes getting up at 4:40 am every single morning during the week. They laugh at my insistence that the "food table" which usually has donuts and cookies on it, does not exist and is a fiction of my imagination. They worry about the fact I spend every lunch hour at my desk and never go out to eat. They see the healthy person and never saw the fat girl. More and more, I see that girl too, but I am still learning how to be that person. I'm learning that I am okay sticking with my salads and how much I love salads with apples and walnuts. I'm learning how to dress myself without hiding parts of myself for the first time. I'm learning to like exercise and how much better I feel when I run and my body is active. I'm learning to be okay with the choices I make each day and with the person I see in the mirror everyday. Most of all, I'm learning how to talk about who I was, who I am now, and how to make peace with the journey I have taken over the past couple of years.