Friday, December 31, 2004


It strikes me as I read other people's blogs today, that it is New Years Resolution time. I do not as a general rule make resolutions because (a) I do not actually follow through and then I feel guilty that I didn't do what I said I was going to do, and (b) either I will do something or I won't, resolving to do something is not really helpful. Anyway, I am going to make a small exception this year in terms of the weight loss goals. As of Monday, Jan. 3, 2005, I am going back to what I like to think of as "Kat's pain in the ass hard core plan". It pretty much works as follows: 1. 6 days a week of working out (that means 30 minutes minimum at the gym a day which I have been slacking on since I moved here) 2. No bread, sugar, and minimal amounts of rice (a huge staple in this culture). 3. No eating the food at work, back to strictly controlling my diet. 4. No alcohol, I am going with this one because I spend a lot of time going out and I think I am drinking a fair number of calories that I do not need. That is pretty much it, I aim for simplicity in all things, and this is very simple and straightforward so I know that I can abide by it. I have been letting things get away from me since I moved and started the new job but I am hoping to get completely back on track and lose the remaining weight that is hanging around. I have already bought new running shoes for my gym workouts (you really don't want to know how nasty my shoes are that I run around in the jungle in) and I should be all set by Monday with everything else. I picked Monday only because today and tomorrow are really hectic and there is no way that anything is getting done before then in terms of general life stuff, but I will be organized by Monday and so that is a good start date. Oh, and I am going to try and blog more regularly, no really I mean it this time.

Happy New Year!

Today is in fact New Years day where I live, it is a very nice Saturday if you were wondering about it. I am stuck at work , one of the joys of being an attorney is that sometimes you have to work on weekends. Since I was also out until about 1:30 am yesterday and got up at 7:30 this morning I am rather tired. Hopefully I will be out of work by four and I can go running on the hash. Yesterday we went on a pretty mellow hike and climbed down and around four waterfalls. I sort of view yesterday as my saturday since I am at work today while my roommates sleep in until about noon. On the plus side, getting up and going to work means that I have had to be pretty organized today and get things done rather than lazing away the weekend. The only bad thing about working is that I have the pager for work and I have to walk around with something that makes an awfully loud racket and requires me to hunt down a phone a.s.a.p. Anyway, I have to go check on work things now and probably sign some papers.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Disco Inferno

Last night after work my roommate and I went to aikido. Basically aikido consists of me being thrown around by higher ranked individuals and then developing bruises. Last night was especially good because I kept turning in the wrong direction and not moving quickly enough. However, after a good solid hour and ten minutes of that foolishness, we went home and then went out dancing. There was a big disco party at one of the local hotels so of course we went with a bunch of our friends. I figure that we danced for about two hours on and off (the first hour pretty much consisted of us jumping around the dance floor and the second hour we took a couple of breaks. Today we are going hiking, probably a pretty mellow hike because one of my friends is injured and is having her stitches removed today. Here, tonight is New Years Eve so we will probably go out somewhere but I don't know how late I will stay out because I have to be at work at 8 am on saturday. Saturday and Sunday are jam packed as well this weekend. I have to admit that my social schedule is becoming a little bit excessive, hopefully next weekend will not be this busy and I can get some more sleep in since I feel a little tired today.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Yet another party

My office in an attempt to help me gain ridiculous amounts of weight by holding yet another party this week (I think we are up to five or six office parties in the last two weeks). I am bringing fruit because it is both healthy and easy. However, I have no doubts that there will be a ton of fattening food which I will have to avoid because I am attempting to go back on my regular diet now that we are through the holiday season. Anyway, I feel more like I am back on plan today, I had tuna and brown rice for lunch (yes, I know all about mercury in tuna but I am choosing not to care) and cereal for breakfast and no snacking in between meals. I am going to eat fruit at the party which is the major reason that I bought it as my contribution to the meal. Tomorrow, I have the day off, so I am going to hopefully get in some exercise and working out (especially since I have to work on Saturday). Anyway, back to work I go until the party this afternoon.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Merry Christmas to me

I just gave myself a christmas present, I may never go shopping again. In case you are puzzled, let me explain in detail. I paid off my credit card bill to the tune of several thousand dollars (for the record, you try moving halfway around the world and then we will talk about your credit card bill). The only good news is I get paid tomorrow so that this whole experience will be slightly less painful by Friday or so. Anyway, I am very pleased with myself that I could finally take care of the bill, I have to say it is just amazing what you can do when you have an actual job that pays actual money. On other fronts, such as the diet wars I have nothing to report other than I am attempting to stay on track and getting interupted by parties and celebrations. However, I have been maintaining and I am getting back on track with my eating as best I can right now. I have been having some ankle problems but I expect to be going to the gym by the weekend. I can't go today because we have a lunch time work meeting but I may go for a jog depending on what time I get home tonight. Anyway, got to run to my meeting.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Out of the dark

I survived running around in the dark intact, then again I was not really running around in the dark since most of the trail was set through a well lit section of town. I think there is little better than seeing the puzzled look on tourist's faces as a group of men and women tear past them clad in athletic gear, camel backs, carrying flashlights, and madly screaming "On on". As one of my friends was heard to comment last night, we really look like a very strange cult. Tonight, I have aikido and then another birthday party (this one at a bar) for a friend. I am rather banged up after last night, but sadly not from the run, rather my air conditioning unit leaks and I have a tile floor, so I slipped on my floor last night. It was really rather graceful except for the moment where I totally banged up my wrist and ended up with bruises every where. So, back to work I go, I have to be in court in an hour and I have a lot of work to do before then.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

All my friends

I have to say that this whole having a job and life thing is getting in the way of the updating of the blog thing. Anyway, I am back and have survived Christmas more or less, large amounts of food and beverage but I did alright. Besides which, my friends who were immensely tired of my whinining about not going to a gym got me a gift certificate for two months to the nearest gym. I am going to try and start going during my lunch hours. Not today however because I am going on a hash run tonight which will probably take about an hour. It is actually a run in honor of my friend R.R.'s birthday so I have to go and participate. However, this fact brought me to an interesting realization the other day which I thought I would share. ALL. OF. MY. FRIENDS. WORKOUT. No, really, they all do and most of the things we do together involve working out. I have friends who play rugby, friends who do aikido, friends who dive, friends who play frisbee, friends who run around in the jungle, and friends who do all of the above and more. I don't hand out with anybody who is sedentary or anybody who would consider just sitting around on the weekend. This is an extraordinary thing for the girl who grew up with friends who pretty much avoided exercise, (thus allowing me to avoid exercise). Anyway, it was a reminder that the best way to change is to surround yourself with similarly minded people who enjoy the same things. So, on that note, back to work I go for another hour and a half before I leave to go run around in the dark.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Where was I again?

Um, yeah, I have no excuse for having been away this long. Well, maybe a little excuse, I was in trial last week and that took up all my free time. This week has been equally insane at work, I never even stopped for lunch today. I have been working out, running in the jungle, frisbee, and aikido as always. Not great on food but it has been balanced out by a continuous lack of eating meals (not a good plan) yesterday I barely ate lunch or dinner. However, that was probably balanced out by the three hour brunch I attended this last Sunday. I had to celebrate my friend's upcoming birthday afterall. I have two parties this weekend, another one tomorrow, one next monday, and another one next tuesday. However, at least I worked out like an insane maniac at Aikido yesterday and sweated up a storm. One of my classmates at the dojo was doing a belt test so we did not get as long a workout time, which meant that my sensei decided to make us work harder when we were practicing. I have the huge purple bruise on my shoulder to prove it. Can you believe I actually pay money to get tossed around and bruised? I am really that crazy. Anyway, I have to get back to work now, I have huge stacks of paper all over my desk.

Saturday, December 11, 2004


Just popping in briefly to mention that I may not be posting for a bit. It appears that once again a tropical storm/typhoon is rapidly approaching my little corner of the globe. Power is always a dicey propostion during such events as is leaving the house. Today, we play frisbee but tomorrow we may well be cooped up and playing large amounts of trivial pursuit. So, today was a mad rush to the store to purchase all relevant items such as water and dried/canned food in preparation. A little hard to get really healthy food that does not require a lot of prep but I tried and purchased canned fish, low calorie snacks, and extra cereal (because seriously I could probably live on cereal even though it wouldn't be healthy). Anyway, if we are lucky the storm will miss us entirely, if we aren't lucky there will be a lot of wind, rain, and no electricity. either way, it is always an experience but at least the island I live on is pretty prepared for these sort of storms. Anyway, I am off to get a few more things done and I will be back later (provided I have electricity and a working internet connection).

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Then again maybe not

So, I've been away for a bit, it has been pretty busy at work. Anyway, I went and observed rugby practice and I think that I will not be joining up after all. Too much potential for injury and frankly too much team sport focus. I think I will join the gym near work instead of killing myself by having people hurl their bodies at me. I am just really not competitive enough for rugby and I am frankly not sure that is a bad thing. Anyway, I decided that I have been trying way too hard to join team sports I don't really want to do and should get back to focusing on the type of exercise I enjoy (most of which takes place in a gym) and stop trying to prove that I have the potential to be the world's best athlete (because frankly I don't have any real athletic ability). So, that is my new plan as of today, we will see how it works out over the course of the next few weeks but I think we can definatively say that I will not be playing rugby or any other sport involving tackling and serious hand/eye coordination. Well, except for frisbee but that isn't really competive right now.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Working girl

I just want to mention that I have been ridiculously productive at work today. Cleared a bunch of cases off my desk and worked up pleas for others. On the other hand, I did not have to go to court today and that probably helped quite a bit. Anyway, that was totally un-weight related wasn't it? I ran around a lot playing frisbee yesterday, we were missing a lot of people and that always means a lot more running around than normal. Tomorrow, I have aikido and Wednesday is Rugby practice so I feel like I will be pretty active this week. I am working on the food thing still, especially since I ran out of breakfast food yesterday and did not have breakfast today. So, the secretaries brought in food and I ate some for breakfast but I have been okay for the rest of the day and we will probably go food shopping tonight so I can buy more food. I don't think that there is currently any real food in the apartment with is kind of sad but we have not been around much recently. Anyway, I have to get some more odds and ends tied up before I leave work for the day and go crash at home (well, unless something comes up and I end up going out which happens a lot).

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Now doesn't that sound like a good idea

Today, in my true idiotic fashion I went hiking and ran around in the jungle and only ate lunch. No breakfast, no dinner, just lunch. Oh, and apparently last night when I was out, I agreed to join a women's rugby team being started by one of my jungle running friends. That is right, rugby, so when I severely injure myself at some point, remind me that this seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway, I needed another athletic sport to help beat my body into shape. Anyway, I am going to go to bed now because I have a ton of things going on tomorrow and it is either go to bed or eat dinner and I am a lot more tired than hungry. Besides which ten o'clock is way too late for dinner in my view and really sleep seems a lot more important right now. That is what running around in the jungle all day will do to you.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

My problems with food

So, you know my whole brilliant plan to balance out my meals yesterday with a bigger dinner. Never happened. Now, before you assume that I careened madly off plan and ate everything in sight, I remind you that this has not been my pattern recently. Nope, I just didn't really eat much dinner, I had some tapioca root, and a smoothing type drink (no ice cream involved). I think if I am really lucky I ate 1,100 calories total yesterday and that is only if I am really lucky Today, I am not doing much better, I ate breakfast, lunch, and admittedly some small pieces of chocolate due to hunger pangs prior to lunch. I think maybe I have hit 900 calories so far today, and again I think that maybe generous on my part, especially giving my lunch was a drink and four pieces of sushi at which point I was not hungry anymore and threw out the rest of the sushi. This is not a healthy dietary plan, I know this logically. I also know that I only ate the chocolate because I was stressed and hungry, so I am working on making sure that does not happen again. I having been slipping up too much foodwise recently and I need to get back on track and make what I am eating more nutritionally healthy (oh and possibly over 1000 calories a day, that would be good too). Anyway, back to work especially since I have some big cases coming across my desk right now.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Party like a rockstar

Tonight my friends and I party! Okay, not really, we have to work on Thursday and we are way too old to stay out terribly late. However, we are going to go out to eat and look for christmas presents and hey if that doesn't qualify as a party, I do not know what does in this day and age. Yeah, we are really becoming that old. Anyway, this means that I have not eaten that much for the rest of the day, cereal for breakfast, small lunch, no real snacks. As a result I am rather loopy right now (although that may also be because I am tired) and I do not want to do work. I should however do work because I am going to spend all afternoon in court and will not have time for paperwork. Yet here I am blogging on the internet instead. Anyway, I am struck by how different my food choices are now, I am slowly learning how to balance my meals and compensate for eating a lot of calories one place by having restraint in other meals. It is a whole new life plan and hey I think I may just be able to keep this up long term. Now, I just need to get in more exercise and stop injuring myself in the process.

Monday, November 29, 2004

General rambling

My roommate is sick with strep, which of course leads to the great fear that I will become sick as well. I am attempting to avoid that possibility, even though I am really tired today and do not feel great. Still, hopefully my body will pull through and I can get actual work accomplished. I work in a pretty small office and getting sick would not be an option because of the amount of work we have to do and the number of courts which our attorneys cover. I am supposed to workout tonight but I am not sure that will happen, especially given the fact that my ankle continues to twinge and hurt even two days after it was injured. It is also a lovely purple and green shade right now which may well be nature's way of telling me to take it easy. I hate missing exercise but I would hate to permanently injure my ankle even more and I have to take that into consideration as well. Anyway, I have to get back to work, possibly eat lunch because I haven't really done that yet and passing out in court would probably qualify as a bad thing.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Weekend in Review

I did actually run during frisbee yesterday, see I told you that I have absolutely no good sense when it comes to these matters. My ankle is still swollen today but it does not really hurt except for the occasional twinge. Yesterday at the end of the frisbee game both of my ankles hurt which was not a good sign. Only one of them is really swollen though and that swelling is begining to go down slowly but surely. I am a little worried about aikido tomorrow evening, I will have to see how the ankle is doing at that point. At least I got in a lot of exercise yesterday, running around like a maniac since we were only playing with six people total on the frisbee field. Also, I was guarding a friend of mine who is really a fast runner and that meant that I have to run a lot more than I do normally which was probably a good thing for my cardio vascular fitness level. Last night we went out for sushi, a sunday night tradition among my friends, and I think I only ate eight pieces of sushi total which is a new record low for me. Normally I eat about ten pieces of sushi, and to put it in context my friends probably eat about 25-30 pieces of sushi each. Their bill is usually about $25 each and mine is usually about $12. So, it was a good exercise day as well as food day which makes me happy. Now of course it is Monday and I am back at work trying to get things accomplished again.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

The problem with running around in the jungle after dark is that you injure yourself really easily. Last night the trail we were running was far too long (and for the record far too long is when 12 people and not just me get stuck in the dark) and my flashlight died. Also the trail was really uneven and I am a complete klutz. I think I fell on rocks 12 times while there was still daylight. However, after dark I started to fall into holes and dips along the trail, I lost count of how many times I actually crashed down to the ground. Along the way, I managed to sprain both my ankles and badly bruise my knees. My right ankle is the most severely sprained but everything else is pretty painful too. Now, I admit to being highly uncoordinated but this time it was the responsibility of the individuals setting the trail to make sure it was an appropriate length and not dangerous, so I am a little annoyed especially since my sprained ankle curtails the hiking plans we had made today. Admittedly, I am lacking the self-preservation instincts of an over-enthusiastic lemming but having previously badly injured my left ankle I do actually know the consequences of doing any sort of really strenuous activity on an injured body part. Admittedly if it feels better I may play frisbee (I did say that I lacked good judgement) but right now I am reserving judgement to see if it feels better over the course of the day.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Working girl

There is something fundamentally wrong about being dressed in work clothes on a Saturday morning, and not just any Saturday morning but a really beautiful one. Anyway, I have to go into work today, and so I am fully dressed except for my heels, I fundamentally refuse to put on the heels until I have to do so to leave the house. I could explain the quirks of the legal system which require prosecutors and legal secretaries to work on Saturday but I will spare you the details. Suffice it to say that I am praying that this does not interfere with my weekly saturday romp through the jungle because after this week I definately need the exercise. I am however also going hiking tomorrow morning so I will work out this weekend. I was actually decent on food yesterday, could have been better but still decent given that I went to a party after work. However, I think I am now safe on parties until Christmas gets here, at least I hope I am safe for the next couple of weeks. Also, right after Christmas I am going to probably start taking diving classes so that will be another good physical activity into the mix of my life. Anyway, I am off to work now, hopefully I will not be there all day long.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Belated Happy Thanksgiving

Yesterday was thanksgiving for me (I know, confusing for stateside people but work with me, I am an entire day ahead out here). So, of course there was ridiculous amounts of food, not one party but two parties. Although, in my defense, albeit not much of a defense, I at so much at the first party (i.e. a full plate and some appetizers) that I was unable to eat anything at the second party as opposed to all of my friends who ate at both places. All I can say is that when you drink water and it makes you feel ill, you have officially eaten too much food. Still, this is progress, I figure I ate about a third of what I ate last thanksgiving or at any previous thanksgiving for that matter. Tonight, I have another work party to attend but fortunately I will go run around like a maniac tomorrow in the jungle (although I have to work tomorrow which sucks rather a lot). Today, I ate a normal breakfast and a small lunch so I am returning to pre-holiday eating habits like a good healthy girl. I refuse to feel guilty, one day does not destroy a healthy lifestyle, it is what you do the next day and the day after that and the month after that which can cause you to lose ground. So far, I am holding steady and not losing ground which is a victory for the holiday season. Oh, and I am working on Christmas Day so that should curtail holiday parties on that day. Anyway, back to work, although to be frank nobody in the office is accomplishing anything really today but hey at least we are getting paid to be here and pretend to work.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

So, did you miss me?

Um, so I have been gone for awhile, due largely to work (I was at a conference for a couble of days last week). Anyway, I am back to posting and I have been working out as always. Let me see, last tuesday night I made it to aikido where I got hurled around by more advanced students and managed to not kill myself. The rest of the week was not that exciting, especially with the all day conference. Saturday, I went and ran around in the jungle for two and a half hours, we had a very long, poorly marked hash trail. Much of the begining of the trail involved sliding down a very rocky hill on my admittedly well-padded rear and I completely ripped the back of my pants open. Fortunately I was wearing a pair of bathing suit bottoms underneath which is an important precaution if you think that you may end up swimming in a river or two at some point in the afternoon. I did indeed end up slogging downstream for a very long way in a river until we reached the ocean. At that point we climbed uphill, well if you were me you actually slid down hill more than you climbed up, through some really nasty grass to the top of a mountain ridge. At this point the sun set and we broke out flash lights and eventually found our way down hill, which again required sliding on the buttocks over rocks, mud and grass. I got poked in the rear with a stick and trust me, I have the cut/large bruise to prove it. Then we hiked along the coast for about another 30 minutes until we finished the run. So, clearly I rested on Sunday to recover. Oh wait, no I skipped that part, instead I went snorkling for two hours with my friends and played ultimate frisbee for an additional two hours. So, today I am rather sore and tired, which may explain why I am procrastinating at work. Anyway, I should get back to my job now.

Monday, November 15, 2004

A brief update

I literally only have a second, but thought I would come back and post the following. The defendant in my trial took a plea right before jury selection so no trial, just lots of other work to get done right now.

Babbling words of panic

I am at 154 lbs today, but it doesn't count. Why doesn't it count you ask? Well, I never ate lunch yesterday unless you count the two cookies and small piece of bannana bread my co-worker fed me so that I didn't pass out when I could not leave the office to get lunch. I could not leave the office because I have my first jury trial today, okay let me rephrase, I have my first trial ever today. I may officially pass out right now. I am not prepared, I feel ill, and I may start hyperventilating soon. As my roommate said, her main goal during trial was not to cry in court, that seems like a good rule right now. Anyway, I am incredibly stressed (hence the lack of e-mail to my family, I will get on that I promise, just not right now) and that is bad. Although, apparently good for weight loss, go figure. So stressed that I am not doing things in the right order, for example I put on my makeup completely backwards this morning, a word to the wise, do not put on mascara before eye shadow, it just isn't pretty to behold. Oh, and don't demand new shoes right before trial when you already have 20 pairs of perfectly appropriate shoes including at least 5 pairs of black pumps because your roommates are just going to laugh at you and then take you home and make you eat dinner. Well, actually they made me cook dinner which was an interesting adventure given my stress level, they should just be grateful it was edible. Anyway, I have to go now, I will be back in a few days and possibly more coherent at that point but I am not promising anything.

Babbling words of panic

I am at 154 lbs today, but it doesn't count. Why doesn't it count you ask? Well, I never ate lunch yesterday unless you count the two cookies and small piece of bannana bread my co-worker fed me so that I didn't pass out when I could not leave the office to get lunch. I could not leave the office because I have my first jury trial today, okay let me rephrase, I have my first trial ever today. I may officially pass out right now. I am not prepared, I feel ill, and I may start hyperventilating soon. As my roommate said, her main goal during trial was not to cry in court, that seems like a good rule right now. Anyway, I am incredibly stressed (hence the lack of e-mail to my family, I will get on that I promise, just not right now) and that is bad. Although, apparently good for weight loss, go figure. So stressed that I am not doing things in the right order, for example I put on my makeup completely backwards this morning, a word to the wise, do not put on mascara before eye shadow, it just isn't pretty to behold. Oh, and don't demand new shoes right before trial when you already have 20 pairs of perfectly appropriate shoes including at least 5 pairs of black pumps because your roommates are just going to laugh at you and then take you home and make you eat dinner. Well, actually they made me cook dinner which was an interesting adventure given my stress level, they should just be grateful it was edible. Anyway, I have to go now, I will be back in a few days and possibly more coherent at that point but I am not promising anything.

Babbling words of panic

I am at 154 lbs today, but it doesn't count. Why doesn't it count you ask? Well, I never ate lunch yesterday unless you count the two cookies and small piece of bannana bread my co-worker fed me so that I didn't pass out when I could not leave the office to get lunch. I could not leave the office because I have my first jury trial today, okay let me rephrase, I have my first trial ever today. I may officially pass out right now. I am not prepared, I feel ill, and I may start hyperventilating soon. As my roommate said, her main goal during trial was not to cry in court, that seems like a good rule right now. Anyway, I am incredibly stressed (hence the lack of e-mail to my family, I will get on that I promise, just not right now) and that is bad. Although, apparently good for weight loss, go figure. So stressed that I am not doing things in the right order, for example I put on my makeup completely backwards this morning, a word to the wise, do not put on mascara before eye shadow, it just isn't pretty to behold. Oh, and don't demand new shoes right before trial when you already have 20 pairs of perfectly appropriate shoes including at least 5 pairs of black pumps because your roommates are just going to laugh at you and then take you home and make you eat dinner. Well, actually they made me cook dinner which was an interesting adventure given my stress level, they should just be grateful it was edible. Anyway, I have to go now, I will be back in a few days and possibly more coherent at that point but I am not promising anything.

Babbling words of panic

I am at 154 lbs today, but it doesn't count. Why doesn't it count you ask? Well, I never ate lunch yesterday unless you count the two cookies and small piece of bannana bread my co-worker fed me so that I didn't pass out when I could not leave the office to get lunch. I could not leave the office because I have my first jury trial today, okay let me rephrase, I have my first trial ever today. I may officially pass out right now. I am not prepared, I feel ill, and I may start hyperventilating soon. As my roommate said, her main goal during trial was not to cry in court, that seems like a good rule right now. Anyway, I am incredibly stressed (hence the lack of e-mail to my family, I will get on that I promise, just not right now) and that is bad. Although, apparently good for weight loss, go figure. So stressed that I am not doing things in the right order, for example I put on my makeup completely backwards this morning, a word to the wise, do not put on mascara before eye shadow, it just isn't pretty to behold. Oh, and don't demand new shoes right before trial when you already have 20 pairs of perfectly appropriate shoes including at least 5 pairs of black pumps because your roommates are just going to laugh at you and then take you home and make you eat dinner. Well, actually they made me cook dinner which was an interesting adventure given my stress level, they should just be grateful it was edible. Anyway, I have to go now, I will be back in a few days and possibly more coherent at that point but I am not promising anything.

Babbling words of panic

I am at 154 lbs today, but it doesn't count. Why doesn't it count you ask? Well, I never ate lunch yesterday unless you count the two cookies and small piece of bannana bread my co-worker fed me so that I didn't pass out when I could not leave the office to get lunch. I could not leave the office because I have my first jury trial today, okay let me rephrase, I have my first trial ever today. I may officially pass out right now. I am not prepared, I feel ill, and I may start hyperventilating soon. As my roommate said, her main goal during trial was not to cry in court, that seems like a good rule right now. Anyway, I am incredibly stressed (hence the lack of e-mail to my family, I will get on that I promise, just not right now) and that is bad. Although, apparently good for weight loss, go figure. So stressed that I am not doing things in the right order, for example I put on my makeup completely backwards this morning, a word to the wise, do not put on mascara before eye shadow, it just isn't pretty to behold. Oh, and don't demand new shoes right before trial when you already have 20 pairs of perfectly appropriate shoes including at least 5 pairs of black pumps because your roommates are just going to laugh at you and then take you home and make you eat dinner. Well, actually they made me cook dinner which was an interesting adventure given my stress level, they should just be grateful it was edible. Anyway, I have to go now, I will be back in a few days and possibly more coherent at that point but I am not promising anything.

Babbling words of panic

I am at 154 lbs today, but it doesn't count. Why doesn't it count you ask? Well, I never ate lunch yesterday unless you count the two cookies and small piece of bannana bread my co-worker fed me so that I didn't pass out when I could not leave the office to get lunch. I could not leave the office because I have my first jury trial today, okay let me rephrase, I have my first trial ever today. I may officially pass out right now. I am not prepared, I feel ill, and I may start hyperventilating soon. As my roommate said, her main goal during trial was not to cry in court, that seems like a good rule right now. Anyway, I am incredibly stressed (hence the lack of e-mail to my family, I will get on that I promise, just not right now) and that is bad. Although, apparently good for weight loss, go figure. So stressed that I am not doing things in the right order, for example I put on my makeup completely backwards this morning, a word to the wise, do not put on mascara before eye shadow, it just isn't pretty to behold. Oh, and don't demand new shoes right before trial when you already have 20 pairs of perfectly appropriate shoes including at least 5 pairs of black pumps because your roommates are just going to laugh at you and then take you home and make you eat dinner. Well, actually they made me cook dinner which was an interesting adventure given my stress level, they should just be grateful it was edible. Anyway, I have to go now, I will be back in a few days and possibly more coherent at that point but I am not promising anything.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Still busy

I am still horribly busy with work, so this will be very short. Anyway, ran around in the jungle yesterday and got horribly lost near the end of the run so I figure that was three hours of working out rather than two. Today, I am working on trial prep and doing laundry but I will probably go play frisbee anyway. I am fine on food for the past few days and holding steady in a lovely plateau at 154.5. Anyway, I am off to eat lunch and get back to doing work, I seriously cannot wait for the upcoming week to be over and done with so I can actually enjoy my weekends.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Very Busy

In case you haven't gleaned the above from my lack of posting, I am ridiculously busy at work right now with a potential jury trial scheduled for tuesday. Anyway, very briefly, I had yesterday off and we went hiking for about four hours down to a very cool waterfall. Of course, then we had to dash home and go to a charitable function that a lot of people from work were attending ( a quiz bowl type thing for Habitat for Humanity) and after that I just crashed. I will probably have to spend time this weekend doing work type activities but I hope to get in my standard weekend exercise activities. Anyway, I have to go get ready for work which will probably be non-stop all day (as it has been this whole week).

Monday, November 08, 2004


I am at work, in case that wasn't obvious given the time of day I am posting. Anyway, this is the first free moment that I have had today because it has been really busy. Last night, my food was horrible because my roommates insisted on getting pizza for dinner and I ate some while we were sitting around playing trivial pursuit (yes I know I am a nerd). Today, I haven't eaten very much at all by contrast which is probably bad because I have aikido this evening and I am not going to have time for dinner before I go to class. So, I should probably walk over to the nearby shopping center and get food but I am wearing impractical shoes for walking because I always wear high heels to work and I don't want to cross the really busy street between here and there. Anyway, this means I probably will not eat enough today which is bad. I need to work on stabilizing my eating habits (even though they are pretty good overall) and making sure I am eating a more balanced diet. I am working on that but it has been slipping because I have been insanely busy at work, due to the fact I may go to trial next week. Anyway, speaking of work I have to go back to getting things accomplished now.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Positive thinking

My friends and I were having this really interesting conversation yesterday, and for the record we had it way before we ended up at a bar talking about football. Anyway, I will spare you the in-depth analysis of college football rankings and move right along to the earlier conversation which occurred on the way back from frisbee (which by the way I still suck at in case you were wondering). Anyway, our conversation was about how people can become so focused on work and making money that they miss the truly great opportunities around them to enjoy their lives, like going out with friends or visiting foreign countries or just hiking around the countryside. It got me to thinking, how many of us who are losing weight do the same thing? We get caught up in where we are at the moment, the daily struggles if you will and forget to pause and really enjoy where we are and how far (hopefully) we have come in the journey. I know I get bogged down in where I would like to be or in guilt that I ate too much and I forget to appreciate the health I have gained or the body that I am currently living in at this precise moment in time. Admittedly it is not a perfect body but it takes me where I want to go now, upstairs without getting out of breath, up and over waterfalls, through jungle thickets, across plains of tall waving grass, swimming in the ocean, and around work each and every day. I need to learn to enjoy that fact and be grateful for it, something for me to work on today.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Pretty purple circles

Right now, I think my bruises have bruises. Then again, these things will happen when you climb up a waterfall the wrong way using 0nly a little rope and some help from your fellow hashers (i.e. other crazy people running through the jungle with you). Other then the waterfall it was actually a relatively easy run yesterday and reasonably short as well. Yesterday I also hit 154.5 so I am still slowly inching down the scale, I am fine with the speed of my loss because my muscles are begining to tone up and I can see a measuring tape difference as well. Besides, I would really like to avoid sagging skin, a byproduct often of losing weight too fast. Anyway, this afternoon there is more running around and exercising which should be good for me as well. Right now I need to get dressed and go run some errands around town. It looks like it is going to be a beautiful hot day here in the tropics so I am going to spend a lot of time outside being active.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Me no wanna

So, yesterday I was having a serious case of the "me no wanna's" as I like to call them. Basically, I had to go to aikido and I really did not want to go, and I mean really didn't want to go. Normally, tuesdays are aikido but this tuesday we went hiking for five hours and didn't make it to class. So, I didn't want to go because I knew it would be hard and I would mess up a lot (which can be kind of traumatic if you are a perfectionist like me) plus I had a long day at work. All of these are relatively valid excuses but I knew that I would feel worse if I didn't go due to the guilt about skipping class. So, I went to class and I had a good time. Imagine that, I went and sweated for an hour and a half and got out all my stress from the day and I felt magically better. This happens a lot to me, I have to make myself go to any given athletic activity but I have a really good time once I get there and actually participate. Plus an hour and a half of continuous sweating and raising of my heartrate has to be a good thing in the long run. Further proof that the "me no wanna's" can be overcome by just ignoring them and doing what you know you need to do for your health.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Medium Girl

Yesterday I went and had a physical for work. Now, I think what is important to mention about this is that the doctor had to mark down what my build is on the form, and she marked down medium. That's right people, not heavy, not overweight (which were options) but medium. This was followed by a complete lack of the annual doctor lecture on how I need to lose weight for my health. I think some of you may have recieved that lecture at some point, I have heard it so many times that I can pretty much quote it verbatim in my sleep. However this time there was no lecture and I was allowed to go on my way in pretty short order (well other than the ear drops because apparently I had a mild ear infection and did not know it.) So, I am pleased about that, and tonight I go to aikido so I will be healthy and working out for today. The only patch on today is the really boring presentation I have to attend which I anticipate having terrible food and dull speakers. Anyway, I am going to go get organized for work now and hopefully get everything done that I need to before I get in and start having to do my real job.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Hiking holiday

Yesterday was a holiday, one of the inumerable benefits of working for the government is getting rather random days off. Anyway, we went and did a four hour hike, two hour in to a waterfall and two hours out. Well, and we spent an hour at the waterfall eating lunch and swimming around the big pool. It was pretty much downhill going in and uphill coming back out the other way. I much preferred the uphill to the downhill because I am better at climbing than descending. Today however it is back to work, and I have a physical this afternoon. It ought to be interesting to see what the doctor says about my current overall health since I have lost weight. Anyway, maybe I will get a chance to write more later but I have to get ready for work now.

Sunday, October 31, 2004

You just have to do it

Have you ever noticed that it is the second day after doing something physically foolish when you really end up sore? I am definately sore today after this weekend of activity. Also tired because I had to get up early this morning to go to work again, at least tomorrow is a holiday. Although, I am pretty sure that tomorrow we are going to go on a six hour hike and then go to aikido because of the fact that it is a holiday and we have a free day off to explore the island. Anyway, I think I got asked how I keep going and doing all of this physical activity all the time. First of all, I don't really do as much as I probably should do, and second I just go and do it. That is it, no big secret, I just go and work out because it is what I do in my spare time. Sometimes, like this weekend it isn't even particularly fun to do, I am not a naturally athletic person and that makes it hard. I have to think about what I am doing, I go really slow and I get frustrated a lot. However, I keep going because it is what I do, what I have to do in my free time. There are no excuses when it comes to exercise, for example, you have to go to work right, so how is staying healthy any different in the long run. It just has to be what you do as often as possible or you won't get healthy. Anyway, that reminds me, I have to go to work now.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Well, that was fun

Happy Halloween! I get to say that because it is already Halloween here on my little tropical island. Yesterday, we went and did the Halloween Hash Run. Not fun in any way, mostly because we got lost in the dark with no flashlights and spent three hours on a 45 minute run. Well, okay the bit where I had to pull my self up three muddy hills and kept slipping down because I could not get foot holds or pull myself up also kind of sucked. Also, I didn't really eat very much yesterday so I got a lack of food and dehydration headache (even though I carry a camelback and was constantly sipping water from it). Then my friends and I went out to several Halloween parties and ran around in high heels until 4 in the morning. I am rather tired and somewhat sore today as a result. In about an hour we go off to play ultimate frisbee in silly costumes, I think I will probably go as a pirate. Anyway, I have to go finish doing laundry and cleaning up before we leave for frisbee.

Friday, October 29, 2004

The non-suckage of life

I know I can be pretty vague about things sometimes in this blog. I don't really talk about where I live, who I live with, names of people, or what I do for a living. A lot of that is to protect the innocent (i.e. friends and family) who don't necessarily want their names spread across the internet because I keep an online diary. An equal part has to do with what I do for a living, it is a pretty public job sometimes and yet there are a lot of aspects of it which are confidential. That was probably a really confusing sentence, perhaps it is easier to just say this, I work as a prosecutor for a living, and because of what I do every day I am reminded of how much my life does not suck. Trust me, you see a lot working at my job that makes you really angry and sad on a pretty much constant basis. So, ask yourself these questions, do you have enough food to eat, do you live in a safe home environment, do you have people who love and adore you, do you have good friends and neighbors, do you have enough money to live on, and enough sense to know that money is not everything? Then you have a pretty good life, as I do, and maybe we should all be grateful for that today. Would I like to be a size two some days? Yes, absolutely, but size 2 people have lots of problems too. I have a multitude of other advantages and blessings in life and to not be grateful for those things would be a huge mistake. So yeah, I have a good life, a job I love, and good people around me and not only can't I ask for anything more, I am not foolish enough to ask for anything else. Oh, and can you tell it is already a long day at work and it is only 10:30 am?

Thursday, October 28, 2004


In case you are wondering, I should be doing actual work right now. I am actually working on a paper for work which is currently about 8 pages long and in dire need of citations and editing. I am going to get back to that in a minute, really I promise that I am going to get a rough draft done today. However, I am taking a mental health break right now and typing in my blog. I may go running in the jungle tonight with my roommates, it sort of depends on how late we have to stay at work today and how much gets accomplished by 6:30 pm. I would like to go run around, but I am not sure that we will get out of work by then and we still need to work on our halloween costumes before Saturday. Anyway, yesterday I didn't eat enough food over the course of the day and I am trying to remedy that today by bringing leftovers for lunch. I find now that any given restaurant meal works out to at least two meals for me, I figure this is because the restaurant gives everyone too much food. My standard calculation is that the average restaurant meal is around 1,000 calories which may be horribly inaccurate but at least it keeps me honest and not eating too much. I am sort of mildly ill when I realize that I used to eat everything on my plate when I was eating out, no wonder I gained so much weight. Anyway, I can't justify not working any longer so I am going back to my paper now.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004


So, I was at my job today, a job which can require talking in front of quite a few strangers at times and I wondered how different I really am now and how much more confident. I struggle still, the old demons of not being good enough or smart enough to make people like me regardless of what I look like, rise up to the forefront. No matter that I ate a healthy lunch involving apples, nuts and yogurt, no matter that I work out and slowly weigh less and less, still I wonder about these sort of things. I think the reality is that you cannot escape from who you were as quickly as you would like, becoming different is a constant struggle. You can't become a new person overnight, I don't think you can even do it in ten months, or a year. Change is slow, and you have to give yourself time to be ready to change, and permission to have days where you fall flat on your face. As I was sitting there, I came to a realization and it was this, I am better now that I was and it isn't because I am skinnier. I am healthier emotionally, I am stronger physically, I am more confident, I am happier and wiser. Mostly though, I am learning what it means to be free, free of restrictions on who I can or will be, free from guilt about what and when I eat, free of shame, and mostly free of anger at myself for failing to control my food or weight. I am becoming free of all these things slowly but surely, I am not there yet, but I am closer every day and that is more than enough for today. After that realization I went back to work and for the first time in a long time I was totally relaxed.

The magical weightloss device

Apparently, the great benefit of going to aikido is that I magically lose weight overnight. After several days of bouncing around the upper 150's, I hit 155 dead on the nose this morning on my scale. Especially impressive because my roommate bought me lots of thai food last night for dinner and I totally scarfed it down after aikido. I felt some what out of it at class last night because I had a really long day at work and I was exhausted mentally. However, I showed up and that is ultimately the important thing. I remember reading somewhere at one point last January when I was just starting to work out that the really important thing is showing up and doing it. You don't have to be perfect every time, you don't have to work out insanely hard every time, ultimately you just need to show up and do the exercise. That gave me permission to have good exercise weeks and slow exercise weeks but I always did the workout after reading that information. I still do not always really like working out (well I always like frisbee) and it is hard to make myself go sometimes, but I do it. That means that I get to look in the mirror and like what I see, and that makes a huge difference. The ability to look at yourself, really look at yourself, and like what you look like in clothing, to look professional and polished, and frankly kind of hot, and really see that person, well I wish that for everyone on this really difficult weightloss journey. More than that, I wish I could tell everyone how to get there, or even where I am which admittedly isn't the end of the path (I'm still not at goal weight), but I know that isn't possible. You have to make your own plan, your own workout schedule, and sort out your own life. All I know is that it is possible to do it, the rest is up to each person as an individual. No magic pills from me, just diet and exercise and perserverance, that is all it has taken to get this far.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

The difficulty with stretching

Tonight I have to go to aikido, which I am sure I will enjoy after I get there this evening. However, I always worry before I go, especially because I am very slow at picking up the moves for anything. I have always had problems remembering the difference between my left and right sides and that makes it really hard to figure out what I am doing when the sensei demonstrates a move to me. I will get there eventually, but I am very slow along the way which is frustrating, especially since I am a complete perfectionist and want to do everything correctly as soon as possible. I know however that stretching myself is a good thing, physically, emotionally and that it is going to cause frustration along the way. Possibly doing all of this while simultaneously trying to learn a new difficult job is not my best plan but timing isn't always all it is cracked up to be in the real world. Mostly now I am grateful for how far I have come and that I don't have to get to the end of the journey immediately or all at once. I like running around with my friends, I like how my body feels right after I have worked out and it is covered in sweat, I like being an athletic person and not a couch potatoe. Mostly, I like myself and that is a new thing in my life. So, the times that I stretch myself and it is difficult are worthwhile and that is enough, even if I do have stress dreams about aikido now and then.

Monday, October 25, 2004

So about the weekend

I just realized that I didn't post all weekend, but my excuse is that I was really busy. Saturday I ran the hash, and it was definately a run this time. We did what is called a "town run" and basically ran all around the paved areas of the city. Lots of running on pavement which is not really good for my knees, especially my left knee which tends to ache a little bit. I estimate that in total we ran about three miles or so over the cours of an hour and 15 minutes. Then on Sunday, we went snorkling and walked about a mile or so on the beach. Also, I got a ton of sun despite using sunscreen and a mild sunburn as a result. Sunday afternoon we played ultimate frisbee, two hours of running around on a field, partially in the rain and plenty of exercise. So, I have gotten in my weekend exercise and it is back to work today although I will probably get in a short walk at some point during the day. Oh, and I was okay on food, could have been better but I am working on that still, especially since we went to a party Saturday evening.

Friday, October 22, 2004

An attractive rear view

So, I bought work clothes today, a necessity since some of my clothes are too big. So, I bought a pair of pants and a shirt, both size 10. That made me happy, and the fact that the pants make my rear look really good was a nice bonus. Also, the fact that I tried the same shirt on a few weeks ago and it didn't fit properly and now it does was very nice indeed. The pants are a little long but can easily be hemmed, and did I mention that they look good from the rear? (Clearly you can tell where my priorities lie in this matter). I feel lazy today because I didn't work out, but hopefully I will make up for it tomorrow and the next day. I am so used to working out six days a week that I just feel lazy only working out three or four days a week. Also, if I worked out more I could eat more which would be nice since now I am limiting my food intake to make up for not working out enough. Anyway, at least I am fitting into size 10's which means that I have lost approximately 6 dress sizes over the last ten months. Hopefully I can be down to a size 8 by the end of the year, I managed to button one today but not actually zip it up, that will be my next major clothing goal. My plan is to clean out my closet again when I hit a size 8, but until then I am wearing everything I have unless it physically falls off my body. Anyway must go, it is Friday night after all and spending it all in front of the computer would be silly (especially since I am currently stealing my roommate's computer).

Slowly and steady

Last night my roommate and I went to aikido again for our weekly session. Basically we fell over a lot, or alternatively people hurled us to the ground. My butt is rather sore today frankly as a result of all the exercise. Then we went to a friend's barbeque and wolfed down chicken and water for dinner. Actually it was a pretty good food day all around, especially with all of the exercise and sweating that always takes place at aikido. This weekend we will probably go hiking in addition to running around in the jungle and ultimate frisbee. I really don't think I have ever been this active in my entire life as I am now, and I still need to add in working out at a gym at some point. So, I feel like this was a pretty good week for food and exercise with a couple of minor slip ups here and there along the way which isn't too bad overall. A few more months and I may actually manage to approach goal weight numbers. However, that really is proof that you have to be slow and steady in your weight loss and that you can't do it in six months or even a year, it really does take a long time to acheive permanent success.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

The typhoon passed by without ever really touching us and today already looks like it will be glorious and sunny. I will be inside at work trying to make up for the last two days that I missed due to the storm. Anyway, yesterday we went out to lunch and had tons of thai food and then I skipped dinner because I was not hungry and I have no idea where that puts me in terms of calories for yesterday. Anyway, today the scale claims that I am down to 156 pounds which means I have lost 86 pounds since I started this little adventure in January. I figure that leaves me with about 36 more pounds to lose over the next few months which still feels like a lot. Still, I am far beyond halfway to my goal and that is a good thing in my book. I know that I will eventually make it to where I want to be, even if it takes a few months. Also, some of my size 12 clothing is becoming loose (not all, just some) and I assume that means that in another 6 pounds or so I will be able to move down into a size 10 which will be really lovely and exciting news. Anyway, I am off to work, fortunately tomorrow is Friday and then the weekend to look for apartments and run around the island.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Waiting for the typhoon

Yesterday we got sent home from work at around 10 am because of the typhoon (which by the way hasn't hit and may mostly miss us). So, my roommates and I went and played frisbee in our apartment swimming pool because it was a beautiful day and a pretty decent workout. Aikido was canceled due to the typhoon and we are going to have to make up the class on thursday. We have today off from work as well since we are still in readiness condition 1 (that basically means the typhoon should hit the island if it does by late this afternoon). So, since we can't really go anywhere right now, we have mostly been sleeping and I have nothing exciting to report. Although, I did manage to get up this morning and eat breakfast as opposed to yesterday where I snacked on things but never really ate lunch. Anyway, I am going to go get dressed now and find something to do with myself for the rest of the day.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

The official weight

My official weight is 156.5 which puts me at a total loss of 85.5 lbs since January. I am pleased with that, especially since I was convinced that I was still up in the 160's. Anyway, as you may have noticed the tropical storm has not hit us yet, although it could do so either later today or tonight. Hopefully it will be late tonight and my roommate and I can actually make it to Aikido today amd workout. If we can't we will go to aikido on thursday when the storm should have passed by and everything should start getting back to normal. I know I was asked where I live in the comments, I don't actually post that information but I will say that I live in the same time zone as Australia which means it is Tuesday morning here as I am writing this note. That means that I need to go finish getting ready for work, I have a really big day ahead of me and I will be back later if the internet is working.

Monday, October 18, 2004

So, I finally got a scale

Today was a very long day at work, and the next couple of months don't look any better. On the plus side, I finally got a scale and even tonight in clothes and having eaten I was down to 158 which is better than I expected given the amount of eating out I have done over the past several weeks. Frankly, I am just glad I haven't gained any weight since I have been here and that means when I join a gym I won't have any lost ground to make up over the next few months. I should mention that I don't know if I will be posting for the next several days because a typhoon is moving into the area and that may mean loss of electricity and therefore internet access. So, if I don't post tomorrow it is probably because my roommates and I are stuck in our apartment playing board games while it rains outside and there are 80 mph winds and not due to lack of things to say (don't worry we should be fine, we live in a strong building made of concrete with good storm shutters). I have to go eat dinner tomorrow and hopefully I will be able to update with a more accurate weight tomorrow.

The prescription

Do you want to know the best way to feel ridiculously out of shape and overweight? Spend your weekend doing physical activities with incredibly in-shape people who actually workout for a living. This is exactly what I did this weekend and I am now struck by how much farther I have to go in order to be where I want to be physically. I estimate that I got three to four hours of full body cardio workouts in this weekend, tomorrow night I go to an hour and a half of aikido and I still know how much more I need to be working out. The benefit of hanging out with really in shape people is that you workout really hard and they are pretty to look at, the bad part is that you are struck by how much work you personally need to achieve in order to be happy with your body. I am slowly getting there but I still have a lot of work left. Oh, and as I suspected, the guy I went out on the date with, skipped frisbee even though he was invited and that puts him totally off my list of people I would consider going out with again. Maybe it is harsh but I am really more interested in being happy in my life than worrying about whether someone else is happy in their life. Anyway, I have to run to work now.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

The vision inside my head

It is funny how we see ourselves even when we change. I still look at myself in the mirror and see all the extra weight I have left to lose and the extra skin under my arms, in other words I see the fat girl still. I am coming slowly to the realization that not everyone else sees that person with the clarity that I do, or really at all. I was out last night with my roommates and the people we run around in the jungle with every week and I came to this realization. Mostly when people wouldn't believe how much I weighed and I had drunk boys leaning all over me, I wasn't actually drinking so I was able to observe and analyze the situation. I am begining to realize that I have to let go of who I percieve myself to be from my past and embrace who I am now. I think this is why moving has been really good for me, I am around people who have never seen who I was and accept who I am now and that is allowing me to see that person more clearly. It is amazing the clarity which that brings, along with two hours of good cardio every week.

My Dealbreakers

I was reflecting tonight on what can be dealbreakers in my life now. Things I absolutely demand and expect from those around me and from myself. Anyway, I went out on a date with this guy tonight who I met on last night and he was vouched for by my friends or else he would never have made it to the first date stage (apparently one of the perks of losing weight is that you actually get picked up by men, who would have thought it). The date was fun, especially the bit where I didn't have to pay anything even though I make more money. However, I had some thoughts after he dropped me off at home. Basically my thought was this, the boy isn't nearly as active as I am, nor does he have any apparent interest in being that active, frankly that is a deal breaker for me. Don't get me wrong, I had a good time (although not a stunningly great time) but I also have a certain lifestyle now and either you fit into my lifestyle or you don't and we part ways amicably. Also, frankly I am not really interested right now in a relationship because I am still figuring out who I am at this weight and turning into a whole different person, starting a new job, and moving is about all I can manage right now. I don't think I had very much confidence before I lost weight, but I do now and part of that is a result of knowing exactly who I am and what I want out of life (okay I am still working this bit out) and I am not really interested in trying to juggle a relationship at the same time. So, nice enough guy, but the guy for me even in the short term, I very much doubt it but hey there is nothing wrong with having someone buy you dinner every now and again.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

General Rambling

I'm still a little bit sore from aikido, mostly I think caused by hurling myself backward on to my rear end continuously. Honestly I didn't eat very much yesterday and so now I feel tired and rather out of sorts. Of course, it may all balance out since we are supposed to go out tonight and meet some friends at a pub where they brew their own beer. Don't worry, I won't be drinking any beer since I actively dislike the taste of it. Anyway, we are also in the throes of planning halloween costumes, my two female friends and I are going to be Charlie's Angels, black jumpsuits and all. It ought to be interesting especially since we are obligated to attend multiple parties on the same evening in entirely different locations on the island. It is remarkably strange to have this busy a social schedule after a year of having no where to go or be on a regular basis. It does not make it easy to getting in enough workout time but I am trying to do a lot on the weekends and when I move in the next few weeks I will try to add in gym time in the morning as well, right now that isn't possible since I don't live near a gym and carpool into work with my roommates. Hopefully I will get paid next week and have enough money to sort all of these issues out and get really settled. Anyway, as always I am off to work now.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Aikido another word for oww

I went to aikido tonight for the first time. Let me just say, I have only been home for 45 minutes and I am already begining to get sore, especially in my back and rear. It is quite possible that this is because I spent much of the even falling flat on my back and kicking my legs into the air. I was tempted at one point to whine and announce that there had clearly been a horrible mistake because I was not as athletic as they thought. It is sort of the feeling I get every time I join an activity, that there has been a mistake and I am not supposed to be actually participating. I have never joined activities before, never done a martial art, never joined a team sport, mostly I have been an excellent spectator. I am a really good cheerleader but never a participant. However, apparently now I actually am a member of an aikido dojo, a hasher (i.e. person who runs around in the jungle) and in a startup ultimate frisbee league. I think I may possibly be either certifiably insane or an actual athlete of sorts. Anyway, I actually really liked aikido other than the bit where I fell continuously on my rear, I got to throw a very big man to the ground repeatedly and get out rather a lot of aggression which was fun. I think I will be not horribly bad at aikido in about twenty or thirty years from now. Also, I went out to lunch so I definately needed to burn off some calories. It is pretty close to my bedtime now and I have to get up early for work so I will be back tomorrow at some point.

Monday, October 11, 2004

So, that is a nice picture of your sister

In my wallet I carry around an old picture of myself, it is from a friend's wedding shower and I am probably close to my heaviest weight in it. I use it usually to prevent myself from eating crap that I should be avoiding and to remind myself to work out. Anyway, I have shown it to some people here because they do not really believe that I lost a ton of weight. It is hard to imagine someone when they were eighty pounds heavier if you never saw them there with your own eyes. So, I show them the picture and I invariably get the same reaction, "That isn't really you, okay maybe it is your sister but it isn't really you." It is kind of fun to see the looks on people's faces but also it leaves me wondering how I would have been treated if I had shown up here at that weight. I think it would have been hard because so much of my activities outside work involve hiking or sports. I would not have run in the jungle at 242 lbs, I would not play frisbee, I would only occasionally be snorkling, I probably wouldn't be planning to learn how to dive, I would be very sedentary in other words. It would have made it difficult to make friends as quickly as I have over the past three weeks and that would not have been fun. It is a good reminder that I always want those pictures to be in the past and how I look now to be my future Hopefully it will remind me to workout more and eat less over the next few months as I try to fit in more exercise to my lifestyle.

Oh so tired

Somedays it is hard to figure out what to write about here. Especially on days like today where I am tired because I was up late last night. We went to a little bar and had dinner last night and hung out with a bunch of marine biologists. I actually only had one drink because I had a really big headach by the time we got to the bar and ate dinner. I didn't eat very much during the day, or the day before for that matter and so I was just tired and out of sorts by the time we made it to the bar. So, this morning I am also tired because I still have the left over remnants of last nights headache from being in a smoky bar for part of the night. I do find that as I lose weight I react more strongly to the environment around me and being around people smoking always makes me feel rather ill. Fortunately it is almost the weekend which means some extra time to sleep and also lots of extra exercise to make up for my inactivity during the week. Tomorrow is the hash and then Sunday is hiking and ultimate frisbee which is always a good two hours of being active. I always look forward to the weekends because I know I will be really active and not sedentary which is how the weeks sometimes turn out.

The things I never did

So, yesterday I spent two hours playing ultimate frisbee with some friends. Ultimate frisbee has similar rules to football except without the tackling and you use a frisbee. Basically because we are short on people we run around a field throwing frisbees to each other for about two hours straight. In the tropical heat that translates to an excellent workout because you end up sweating continuously for about two hours. I would never have done this six months ago or even a year ago due to both the physical exertion and my belief that I would completely suck at it. Well, I do kind of suck at it but it was a lot of fun regardless and certainly a lot more fun that sitting on the sidelines and watching. Remarkably I am not sore today although I do have a couple small blisters because my shoes had dirt in them from running around the jungle on Saturday. I was pretty good on food yesterday and did not eat huge amounts and I expect to be better today since we are not going out to eat anywhere for lunch or dinner. Anyway, I have to go to work now so I will be back later.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

Jungle Girl

I spent about two and a half solid hours yesterday hiking and running through jungles. I have the cuts to prove it and frankly you should see my pants, not a pretty sight, they are completely covered in mud. Today we play ultimate frisbee which is about two solid hours of running around as well and sweating in the tropical heat. Honestly, I don't know if my food was better or not yesterday, I had a banana, a smoothie type drink, and some chips and that was all I ate for the entire day. We went out for pizza after running in the jungle and frankly, I do not eat pizza even now so I did not have any, especially since I had eaten chips after we literally ran through the jungle for an hour and a half. Also, I snorkled yesterday and so I pretty much spent the whole day doing physical activity on little or no food. This seems to happen a lot on the weekends here which is a bad thing. I am going to try and have a more balanced meal plan today, we will see what happens but at least I am trying to be mindful of what I eat again and that is a first step in the right direction.

Friday, October 08, 2004

I'm Back finally

So, I have no real excuse for not updating sooner, other than the fact that I have been busy and not always eating or working out the way that I should be working out. That isn't to day that I haven't worked out but I haven't done enough and I have not been watching my food as carefully as I should be watching my food. However, I am back and on track now with no more excuses about any of these issues as of today. I am considering the last two weeks to be a really bad eating holiday and there will be no more screwing up for Kat. In terms of exercise it hasn't been consistent because I am living with other people and I do not have a car or a place to run so I have sort of been at the mercy of where they want to go and when they want to get there. Hopefully I will be moving soon and that will sort itself out in the process. Last weekend I did go and run around in the jungle for two hours on Saturday and I do mean run, also there was rather a lot of climbing involved and immense amounts of sweating. Sunday I also went hiking in the jungle and I have been doing some walking as well but it isn't enough working out and I know that fact. However, my friend and I have joined an akido dojo (no really the most unathletic girl ever isn't kidding about that) and will be going to class every Tuesday night for an hour and a half. I figure all these things are a step in the right direction and as soon as I move into my own place I will join a gym and exercise before work. Unfortunately, my food has been all over the place, I have had high days, I have had really low days, I have had too much alcohol. All of these things are products of suddenly having a really active social life and I need to create a balance in my life now so I do not backslide. Today is a new day and I am starting today with rebuilding my food program and my exercise. Oh, and I would tell you what I weigh but I do not have a scale so I have absolutely no idea what I currently weigh but none of my clothes are tight so that is probably a good thing. Anyway, I have to go, we are going running in the jungle today and that requires some prior organization before this afternoon. I will be back tomorrow to let you know where I am at and how I am doing with my life now that I am finally begining to settle into living out here.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Hello from the other side of the world

Hey all, I made it to my destination after a 15 hour journey. No working out to report, I have just been settling in and trying to get the lay of the land. However, one of my first priorities is finding a gym in the next day or so, I feel sedentary already. I had dinner out last night, pretty good salmon which they put on pasta (although I didn't eat the pasta). I am alright on food as a result but must get back to exercising with a vengence as soon as possible. I don't have much time but just wanted to check in briefly.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

I'm leaving on a jet plane

I leave early tomorrow morning and I have ridiculous amounts to do so this will be my last post for quite a while. I hope to get online once I get settled but I do not know how much internet access I will have available. Tomorrow I am spending over 15 hours in multiple airports and on planes so I expect it to be a very long day. I am mostly packed, doing the last few loads of laundry as I type. I did actually workout this morning, cardio and weights not to mention walking home from town after lunch. I am going out to dinner tonight as well but I am not that worried since I never eat much when I am flying. My plan right now is to find a gym as soon as I arrive at my destination and I will of course continue to watch my eating. I hope that this will help prevent unwanted backsliding or weight gain which I simply do not consider to be an option at this point in my life. Anyway, I was hoping to sign off with something more intelligent but I simply do not have it in me today so I am going to wish everyone well who reads this and go finish getting ready to leave. I will be back when I can but it will probably be a least a few days or possibly even a few weeks. Have a good time while I am gone.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004


So, I am finally pulling my act together and organizing and packing my belongings. I gave my hairdresser 4 bags of old clothing yesterday (for a member of her family) and now I am cleaning my room and going through boxes of items that I stored. I know that people will be meeting me at the airport when I arrive at my destination and frankly I am nervous about that prospect. I cannot exactly define why I am nervous, I will be met by people who were friends with me at my heaviest weight when I was really unhealthy. Frankly, they were friends with me anyway and they have never cared what I weighed or what I looked like as a person. They haven't seen me since I started losing weight so I think it may be a bit shocking to the system. Honestly, I have always been lucky in terms of friendships, I still have a group of close girlfriends from college who have seen me fluctuate up the scale continuously for many years and did not care and I have these friends as well who simply have not cared what I weigh. I know how isolating being overweight can be for many people but I have never been lacking in close supportive friendships (even in the difficult high school years). So why am I nervous? I guess I just want them to see how I have changed internally as well as externally and be supportive of that alteration in my life. Logically, I know that they will be supportive, emotionally I am still nervous about the meeting. However, I still have so much to do that I just don't have time to obsess about it and that is probably a good thing right now.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004


My leg recovered nicely yesterday so I was able to do a full 60 minute run this morning at my new pace of 5.2 mph and then walk for 60 minutes. I think part of the reason that I am running faster with ease is the fact that fall has begun to arrive and so it is cooler when I work out in the morning. I am basing some of this theory on the fact that I am sweating less when I run and need to drink less water than I did a mere week ago. My body also grudgingly agreed to move off the plateau it is on and I dropped to 160.8 this morning which was a nice surprise. This is proof that increasing cardio difficulty and making sure to eat enough calories during the day really does work in the long run. The days I missed lunch this last week I did not lose anything and it was not until I got back to a normal eating schedule with three meals a day and snacks that I lost anything at all. I just wish that this could be explained to desparate dieters who severely restrict their calories (i.e. less than 1200 calories a day) and then wonder why they aren't losing and end up giving up. I have been there and done that but not anymore and this week was proof to me that such a methodolgy does not work and is not healthy for your body. I can always use reminders like this to prevent myself from getting really impatient about weight loss and wanting it to all come off my body instantly rather than slowly and steadily. The plan works, I should know this after 9 months and not need to have it beaten into my head yet again by my body and metabolism. I guess all of this just proves how much work I still have left to do and what I need to learn about being a healthy and strong person. Oh and by the way, if you want a rough approximation of how many calories you should be eating a day, the Dallas Dietetic Association has a good calculator which I ran across by reading the Washington Post Lean Plate Club chat today.

Monday, September 20, 2004

Time for a change

I finally have bitten the proverbial bullet and upped my running speed. i am now running a whopping 5.2 mph pace which works out to running a mile in 11 minutes and 30 seconds. I have to admit that increasing the difficulty of my cardio is never one of my favorite things to do, especially after my body adjusts to a difficulty level. However, I do logically know that when my workout becomes relatively easy and less tiring that I am no longer pushing myself in the manner that I should be pushing myself. Also, the fact I am clearly in a plateau suggests that it is once again time to examine my routine and shake everything up just a little bit. Change in other words is a really good thing sometimes. I have to remind myself of that fact this week as I prepare for yet another life change with my move away from home. I am a little bit sad about leaving my whole family yet again but I need to remember the benefits of getting out into the working world and actively back into a profession that I really enjoy most of the time. Now, the only fly in the ointment for my working out this morning is that fact that one of my legs is rather sore and that is only a minor problem. In fact, it would not be a problem at all except for the fact that I have to work out tomorrow rather than rest because I am not going to be able to workout on Friday and once again I need to bank an extra workout day into my life. So, I am hoping that my leg will be all fine by tomorrow since I am planning a long hard run in the morning since it is a full cardio day. I will however modify my routine if my leg or body requires it, change is good, total insanity is not a good plan.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

The wide world of snacks

So there was a request several days ago in a comment about what snacks I generally eat during the day. I have being to respond sooner but clearly I got distracted somewhere along the way. Anyway, here are my personal rules for snacks (note as always my golden rule to do what works for you applies). 1. No snack should be less than 100 calories or more than 200 calories. Less than 100 calories does not fill me up and more than 200 calories is begining to turn into a small meal and not a snack. 2. Try and eat your snack/or snacks at roughly the halfway mark time wise between meals. If I eat lunch at noon. I will have a snack at around 3:30 because I know I will be eating dinner by six. This could be construed as being a late snack but I have a cup of coffee at about 2 pm and usually that fills me up until about 3:30, if I don't have coffee I have my snack earlier. If I have a snack in the morning I will have it at about 10 am since I usually eat breakfast at around 8 am and lunch at around 12 pm. This way my blood sugar does not crash and I don't develop a deep desire to eat everything in sight when eating lunch or dinner. 3. Snacks are an excellent opportunity to get in the fruit/veg/ or fiber you may be missing elsewhere in your diet. Now as to actual snacks I really like to eat (yes I did make you read a lot of stuff to get to this point) 1. Any kind of fruit, apples, grapes, peaches, and bannanas are my particular favorites. I stick to one piece of fruit or one bunch of grapes as a general rule but I will supplement with some other food item. Sometimes if I am just eating an apple I will put a little bit of peanut butter on it and that helps fill me up. 2. Mozarella string cheese (we buy these in bulk at Costco). I have one piece of string cheese and a piece of fruit quite often as my snack. I like string cheese because it comes in an individually wrapped package and therefore I know exactly how many calories it is (80 calories if you must know). Also because it is string cheese it takes a few minutes to eat which is a good thing. 3. Yogurt, again it comes in low-fat and fat free versions and it is an individual serving size which is a big plus. I love yogurt and fruit together. My yogurt is usually 90 calories per container and that fits nicely into my world of snacking. 4. Popcorn. Here I should point out that you really need to read the label, most popcorn bags are multiple servings (although you can now get single serving sizes) and you need to figure out how many calories are in a bag to figure out how much you can eat. My rule of thumb is that I can eat half a bag of popcorn at a sitting provided it is lo-cal popcorn. Generally I either save the other half of the bag for the next day or I just throw it out. Still it is really filling and that is important. 5. Hard boiled eggs, plain or with a little bit of salt and pepper on them. A couple of hard boiled eggs can be a really good snack in the middle of the afternoon. 6. Vegetables are also good, baby carrots especially are easy to transport and snack on if you don't want to prepare anything fancy. Besides my dad always claimed that they made your hair curl and gave you good night vision and who doesn't want that? Anyway, those are probably my staple snacks most of the time, obviously I avoid chips/bread/and sweets but I don't think those things will derail your diet if eaten occasionally and in moderation. Anyway, all of this reminds me that I should go eat my afternoon snack so I am going to go have an apple and a piece of cheese now before I forget to eat.

Talk like a pirate

I would be remiss if I did not point out that today is talk like a pirate day. So in the spirit of that I translated some of what I was planning to say into pirate speak. "I ran for 60 minutes and walked for 60 today because we be celebratin' me sister-in-law's birthday today and thar be not time t' go and climb stairs at t' stadium. In addition it rained this mornin' and I be a wimp when it comes t' t' rain." Okay, that was not as exciting as I thought it was going to be, but there you are, consider yourself lucky you got away without any plank walking. Anyway, I also wanted to say thank you for the nice comments on yesterday's entry, it made me feel much better. I have regained my sense of perspective which is good since there is currently a ridiculous amount of food in my house because of tonight's party and I do not want to give myself a reason to go off and eat it all. Fortunately, I am having a pretty good day and I do not think that will be a problem after all (although I may break down and have one magarita with dinner). I am actually finally having a good food day today, I had breakfast before I worked out and my regular salad for lunch and I am drinking more water than I did yesterday or the day before. However, I am clearly entering into a plateau again given that I have weight 161.4 for the past three days, I was expecting to see a plateau so this is not a big shock to me. Hopefully getting back on plan with food and eating regularly (it has been several days since I remembered to eat lunch) will actually help my body adjust and I will start losing weight again. I refuse to be worried about it right now, as long as I workout and eat healthy foods the weight will come off even if it comes off really slowly.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Why do you care?

So, I think it is obvious if you look at the comments that I removed one yesterday. It was mean, rather obnoxious, attacked me and my weight and was not anything I thought anybody else should be forced to read. I have been thinking about whether or not I was going to even mention it, to even give the person who wrote it the attention that they were apparently seeking. It certainly is not the first time I have been called a name upon the basis of my weight and just for no other reason, and it was bound to happen sooner or later given the public nature of this forum. I was however stuck with one ongoing question that I posed in the title of this post, why do you care? People look at overweight people and are appalled and feel the need to spew venom and I cannot figure out why this is the case. My weight does not hurt anyone else, aesthetically maybe it used to be unpleasing to the eye but it does not really hurt anybody. I understand why my immediate friends and family cared, because the more obese I was, the greater my risk of dying young and missing out on my life. However, that doesn't impinge on people who do not know me, especially people who feel the need to attack me on the internet who have never even seen a picture of what I look like on a daily basis. Why as a culture do we hate obese people so much? Do we see it as a sign of weakness and therefore an easy target, or is hate simply easier to muster than sympathy and understanding. I do not know, and it makes me sad at times, it made me sad yesterday when I read that comment and I did not want to let anybody else feel that way unless it was necessary and frankly it wasn't. I have lived with the nasty looks and comments for long enough to know how they sting and hurt. Frankly, the only redeeming value of this particular remark was the realization that the person had no idea what he was talking about in regards to my life, for once they couldn't hurt me or make me cry because what he said was so manifestly untrue in regards to my appearance and my world. That my friends is a true victory and the one thing I don't think the poster would have expected from the nastiness being spewed forth on to my personal blog.

Friday, September 17, 2004

The flying chair

I am as we all know a klutz. I lack the most basic hand-eye coordination skills and apparently as I discovered this morning I am not that bright either when it comes to certain activities. Friday morning is the day that I do my legs workout each week without fail. One exercise in particular that I do is called a "chair", in basic terms you find a wall, put your back against it and sit down (without a chair) so that you are holding yourself in position with your legs and thighs. Anyway, at some poing I determined that this exercise was best accomplished by using the door into my bedroom, yes that is right, I lean on a door as opposed to a solid wall. Apparently when I came up with this brilliant scheme I forgot that doors actually open whereas walls are generally solid and non-moving. So, this morning when I leaned back against the door, the inevitable occurred and it flew open with a resounding bang. I was of course by this time completely off balance so I careened backwards into my bedroom flapping my arms in either an attempt to stave off complete disaster or to see if I could actually fly, frankly I am not sure which is was because my thought process was not completely coherent at that point. In point of fact I believe my brain picked that precise second to panic and possibly go on holiday to the south of France immediately. Somehow, I managed to not fall over on to my still ample rear although it was a very close thing and my posterior came within inches of the floor. I did however damage a picture frame which was in the path of the door. So, anyway, I picked myself up (metaphorically speaking) and went back to exercising. What was the first thing I did? I closed the bedroom door, leaned back against it and sat down into the chair position for 50 seconds. I am persistent after all even if occasionally lacking in the intelligence department.

About that whole food thing

As I said yesterday I am a little bit worried about my food intake, I just simply don't think I have been eating enough for the last few days. Today I ended up eating my breakfast after I worked out at about 11 am (so maybe I shouldn't call it breakfast) which led sequentially to eating a snack of grapes and string cheese as opposed to an actual lunch. Now I will probably have another snack this afternoon and then dinner which means that I will have missed an entire meal over the course of the day. This was not in anyway my intention when I got up this morning and hauled myself on to the treadmill, I just forgot about breakfast until I was finished with my exercise. Since I started working out at 8:10 am and ran for 50 minutes, walked for 60, lifted weights and did abs, I did not finish until 10:30 am and then I took a shower. So, I realized at the point I was fully dressed that I had not eaten and then I had breakfast and was not hungry in when lunchtime rolled around at noon. Now, I am not really hungry even an hour and a half later but I force myself to eat a snack so that I would get some more actual calories into my body. In fact, one of the reasons I usually eat on a schedule (breakfast at 8 am, lunch at noon, afternoon snack at 3:30, dinner between 5:30 and 6 pm) is to make sure that I am eating enough calories during the day without actually have to count everything that goes into my mouth. Now, I used to count calories when I started this whole process but the longer I do this the more I can estimate how much I am eating. When I miss a meal, such as lunch it throw everything off and I really have to actually count calories which is not something I like doing, I eat in moderation I don't count calories (can we all see the reason I never joined an actual weight loss organization?) Anyway, I am midly annoyed with myself about this but I suppose it is better to have a day where I undereat as opposed to a day where I binge eat an excessive number of calories.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

The never ending journey

Do you ever get the feeling that what you are doing is never going to stop? I have been having that a lot recently, maybe because I have to keep going to the mall to buy things for my move ( I keep forgetting things that I need to take with me). I just discovered today after being there this morning that I have to go back and buy a raincoat becaus it is really wet where I am moving in a week. I think really the weight loss journey is the same, it never ends really. I am always going to have to watch what I eat, I always have to work out and I will probably always be aware of how much I weigh at any given time. It doesn't really bother me anymore, and frankly I feel guilty if I don't work out but I do occasionally wonder what it would be like to not worry about these issues. The real truth is that I thought about food constantly when I was really heavy, both because I worried about what people thought when they saw me eating and because I constantly lusted after food. Now, I think about food because if I do not do so, I either overeat (very rare) or completely forget to eat (much more common). I have forgotten my afternoon snack twice this week and only remembered 30 minutes before dinner at which point it is rather irrelevant. This wouldn't be a bad thing, except for the fact that with my workout schedule I am really trying to reach around 1300-1400 calories per day minumum. Miss a snack or two and suddenly I am at 1100 or less calories for the day which is bad. So, I have to think about food and remind myself to eat (and by the way it is a lot harder than you would think to eat 1300-1400 calories of clean non-processed food per day). This preoccupation will probably never entirely go away, and in the end I am not sure that is such a bad thing, everybody is preoccupied about something and what I worry about happens to be exercise and diet and maybe I should get used to that being a reality of my new lifestyle.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

That whole dating thing

My brother and I had this very amusing conversation this morning about who I was and was not allowed to date. Frankly, I think my brother has been waiting for years to harass boys on my behalf and he senses that he might get the chance soon (gosh I hope he is right about that) now that I have lost all this weight. Basically, I think I can boil the rules down to just watching my back and carefully interrogating military men (I am moving to a place with a large military presence) which is something my brother gets to say because he is ex-military and knows what he is talking about in this regard. I realize I am being vague but I think you get the point of my ramble. I was thinking about it later and I realized that the thing is that we never had to have this conversation before because I was pretty much invisible to the male population due to my weight.(Okay, I am really not going to discuss here how some men like plus-sized women and this is a vast generalization on my part, I know that, I also know that in my personal experience at 242 lbs I was pretty much invisible, your experience may differ drastically). I am not sure I am invisible anymore, and frankly I don't want to be invisible anymore. However, at age 27 I am going to have to develop a whole new set of skills in reading people and interacting in a dating environment. Frankly, that is a scary thought on some levels but just because something is a little bit scary doesn't mean it isn't worth pursuing as well. My brother need not worry, I shall be very careful and I have good friends who will watch my back even when he is not nearby to harass people for me. Although, maybe he will feel better if he doesn't know about the miniskirt I bought yesterday, oops I guess he knows about it now (don't worry bro it isn't that short, really I promise).

I feel better

My run today felt really easy, I just breezed through it except for a brief cramp at about the 35 minute mark. Now, this is a sure sign that I have to start running faster and I am definately feeling the urge to whine about that but I will attempt to restrain myself. I am currently running a 12 minute mile and I still have the ultimate goal of running a 10 minute mile so I do need to start inching up my speed. I am not however feeling particularly motivated to do so and I need to work on that over the next few weeks. I am hopefully that finding a good personal trainer will help push me a little more than I have been able to push myself recently in terms of my physical conditioning. I am also aware that the closer I get to goal the harder it will be to lose the weight and so it is becoming time to retune my eating habits and my program as I prepare for the next big push in my weightloss. Overall, I had a good workout today, upped my walk speed and the number of reps on my weights and a good run. I always feel better on days that I exercise, I am more focused and energetic and I feel more like myself. I know I need rest days but they make me feel really edgy, like I should be doing something more active than just walking around and visiting the mall. I feel much better today than I did yesterday and I think it is precisely because I exercised this morning. Honestly, I don't think I could try to lose weight, have a life, and remain sane without actually working out five or six days a week. I need the balance and stress relief of a hard workout to remain focused (you know somewhere my old 240 lb self really would never have understood that statement, but things have changed a lot).

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

The 80 pound mark

I have now officially lost 80 pounds according to my scale. I hit 162 lbs on the nose this morning after having danced around it at 162.2 lbs for the last few days. Three more pounds and I will finally be out the 160's for good. Anyway, today I went shopping (and managed to forget to buy a number of things so now I have to go back) which was an interesting experience. I am begining to wonder if the feeling of being slightly out of place in regular sized stores will ever go away entirely. I still feel vaguely freaked out, as if someone will march up and tell me that I cannot possibly believe that I have the right to shop in their store. I know logically this isn't going to happen, I mean I actually fit into a size 10 skirt at the Gap today so I am definately not a plus-size anymore. Not to mention the fact that I also fit into size 12 dresses by both BCBG and Laundry both of which are sized on the smaller end (I did not buy them because much as I loved the dresses I don't have 300 dollars to spend on cocktail dresses). Still, getting into the head space of being no longer obese is proving more difficult than I ever thought it would be when I started this process. I will get there eventually but right now it is still very strange despite the fact I have been able to shop in places like the Gap for over four months, but in the end four months is a short time compared to 27 years of being unable to buy anything but plus-sized clothing.

Monday, September 13, 2004

Random observations about my diet

I have noticed recently that I am much more gung ho about fruits and vegetables than I used to be in the past. Now, I always ate fruits and vegetables, probably more than most people but I am not sure I really loved them. Interestingly, I was vegetarian for seven years starting my first year of college and I only returned to eating meat when I first started working out with a personal trainer. I do not think I was ever terribly good at being vegetarian, I ate a lot of bread, cheese, and pasta but not really enough fruits and vegetables. Today, I eat a much more balanced diet than I did when I was in school. Also, as I noted I really eat a lot more fruits and vegetables and I really enjoy them now. On a normal day I will have at minimum, an apple, a bannana, a peach, grapes, lettuce, tomatoes and possibly some other vegetable. This I think usually qualifies as the five servings of fruit and vegetables that I am supposed to eat each day according to the U.S. government and health experts. Now, I really like fruit and vegetables, and I feel out of sorts if I do not eat them during the day. I am starting to work on incorporating more whole grains into my diet, I should probably be eating things like wild rice more often than I do currently but I am working on it. I ran across the idea somewhere that your diet does not need to always be perfect and that it is something you can improve on over time. I like the idea that now I eat healthier than I ever have before and five years from now I will eat better than I do today, it allows me to banish the idea that I ever have to be totally perfect. In the end perfection is highly overrated, being better than you were the day before is far more important and meaningful in the long run.