Free

So, I was at my job today, a job which can require talking in front of quite a few strangers at times and I wondered how different I really am now and how much more confident. I struggle still, the old demons of not being good enough or smart enough to make people like me regardless of what I look like, rise up to the forefront. No matter that I ate a healthy lunch involving apples, nuts and yogurt, no matter that I work out and slowly weigh less and less, still I wonder about these sort of things. I think the reality is that you cannot escape from who you were as quickly as you would like, becoming different is a constant struggle. You can't become a new person overnight, I don't think you can even do it in ten months, or a year. Change is slow, and you have to give yourself time to be ready to change, and permission to have days where you fall flat on your face. As I was sitting there, I came to a realization and it was this, I am better now that I was and it isn't because I am skinnier. I am healthier emotionally, I am stronger physically, I am more confident, I am happier and wiser. Mostly though, I am learning what it means to be free, free of restrictions on who I can or will be, free from guilt about what and when I eat, free of shame, and mostly free of anger at myself for failing to control my food or weight. I am becoming free of all these things slowly but surely, I am not there yet, but I am closer every day and that is more than enough for today. After that realization I went back to work and for the first time in a long time I was totally relaxed.