Welcome to 2006

Happy New Year! I am sitting in my office, waiting to go to court for the weekend magistrate hearings. My goal is to be on my way home by a little after 2 pm if possible. Anyway, after a week of feeling really ill, I managed to sleep through most of New Year's Eve and now I feel much better. I suppose that given today is the start of the new year I should reflect on 2005 and set goals for 2006. Admittedly, 2005 was not a very big success in terms of actual weight loss, in the begining of the year I bounced up to around 170 lbs and managed to fight my way back down to around 156 lbs. I have managed to maintain somewhere between 154 and 156 ever since. This only proves that I can maintain my weightloss but I am not so good on losing more weight. So, that is my goal for 2006, I would like to lose at least another 20 lbs and preferably 40 lbs by January 2007. I have a plan on how I am going to do this, in case you were wondering. It will officially start on January 3, 2006 which is the start of this coming work week. One of the things I proved that I could accomplish over the course of 2005 was going to the gym consistently and working out consistently. I have made huge overall fitness strides but I have been stagnating recently. So, I am going to change my routine a little bit. The biggest problem I have is an inability to eat really perfectly on plan, but I am going to try to be better about it. My plan is as follows: 1. Use the resources around me more efficiently. I have a coworker who teaches classes at my gym every weekend but I never go to those classes because classes freak me out. This is silly. So, starting tuesday I am going to go to her classes. She teaches Tue, Wed, and Thur at 5:45 pm and the gym is 5 minutes from work. I have no excuse for not going on those nights. 2. Maintain my current fitness regiment. I am going to keep going to the gym five days a week for between 90 minutes and 2 hours at 5 am in the morning. It just works for me. I am going to keep lifting some weights at home and doing ab work at home five nights a week. This is what makes it possible for me to keep my weight under 160 lbs. 3. Educate myself and find new inspiration. I am going to buy more fitness books (hopefully today) and keep reading everything I can get my hands on, this helps keep me on track. I am also going to buckle down and start keeping a food and fitness diary again (a paper one). I am going to blog five days a week even if only for five minutes in the morning. 4. Clean out the fridge/ apartment and keep only good food. Today, the apartments will be emptied of pasta and other carbs except for my cereal. All the sugar and butter is being thrown out and there will be no extraneous baking for one month. Baking is my excuse to snack and I am getting rid of excuses. Tomorrow, I am restocking with vegetables, meat, eggs, and soy milk and that is it. I am making a salad for tuesday lunch and I am creating a week of menus at a time. I am going to work on cooking meals on the weekend which are healthy and can be eaten over the work week easily. 5. Take my actual measurements/ weight and post them. Update monthly. I have never really done this and it is time to start. This is information which I will post on Tuesday and then post at the begining of every month. I am debating posting progress pictures but I have not made a decision on that since I have a relatively high profile job and to some extent need to protect my anonmity on this website. 6. Organize my life and limit stress. As long as I am neat, tidy, and organized all of this is easy. When I let stress and disorganization take over it all falls apart. I am going to clean my entire apartment this weekend, get rid of my junk and get organized. I have a lot of junk in closets and a whole room which has turned into nothing but a holding area for non-used items. I am tossing everything I do not use on a weekly basis and all clothing I do not wear anymore. I may even throw out some old shoes (gasp). I may well move in the next year and I might as well get rid of the junk now rather than later. That is my plan for the next month. I am going to re-evaluate every month and see where I am and what I need to alter in my life. Most importantly, this year I am giving myself permission to not be perfect and to only worry about what I can really control in my life. I work in an incredibly stressful environment (especially right now) and I need to recognize that fact. I make decisions everyday which effect other peoples lives, and I am not just saying that to be dramatic. I send people to prison, sometimes for a lot of years, and that is a hard thing. So, this year I am going to acknowledge that stress and not kick myself for the fact that it sometimes overwhelms me and my eating habits. I am going to do the best I can everyday and trust that will be enough. Most of all, this year I am going to acknowledge and give thanks for one simple fact. In the begining of January 2004, I weighed around 242 lbs and wore a size 24. In the begining of January 2006, I weigh around 154 lbs and wear a size 10. The difference is 7 dress sizes and 88 lbs. I did it myself, no personal trainers, no nutrionist, no weight loss support group, no weight loss surgery, nothing but my own drive. Not that a personal trainer, nutrionist, weight loss support group, or weight loss surgery would have been a bad thing mind you, but they weren't involved in this process. Just me, myself, and I. Proof postitive of what I can accomplish when I put my mind to it. Now it is time to see what I can accomplish in 2006, I am looking forward to it already.

Home again

I'm back from vacation. I actually got back a week ago, but have been swamped with work. I am also sick and preparing for a felony trial. Hopefully, I will be able to talk by the time I go to trial tomorrow. I have been working out despite being sick, but I basically fell into a pile of Christmas food last week. This week is about getting back on track especially in terms of eating. Hopefully I will start feeling better which would help in terms of exercising and food. Anyway, have to get back to work now.

The table of Doom

An interesting sociological study begins today. It can be nicknamed "the christmas goody table of doom". Basically, we now have an entire table in my office which is covered with cookies and candy canes which is going to remain up for the duration of December. I think everyone can see how this is bad. Also, the table is directly in my line of sight which is bad. Of course, I cooked a bunch of the cookies on it, so possibly I am contributing to my own doom. I think in someways, this is just proof of the problem with the holiday season and that is the abundance of food around, I mean there is always food around my office but it quadruples at this time of year. So far, I have not gained any holiday weight and in fact, I lost around a pound. So, that is my new goal for the next three weeks, not to gain anything. I am working out a lot, I am up to 90 situps a day and running at 6.9 mph, and I am trying to watch what I put in my mouth. So, three weeks, and then life will return to normal, I can manage three weeks.

Still Going

Today was not a very good workout day. I know why, I did not eat very much dinner last night due to eating too much food at work. This created the end result this morning of having no energy reserves when I was working out and mad me feel slightly sick. However, I noticed a difference and I was thinking about it a lot this morning. The difference was that I kept going at the same level of difficulty, now that may have not been an intelligent move, but there was a time where I would have slowed down or stopped entirely. That time is apparently long gone because now I just work on strategies to keep myself going through the last workday workout. I knew I had a snack in my bag and there was food at work so it was just a question of making it through my workout. It was also a reminder that I need to be careful about my meals and make sure that I am fueling my body properly so I do not have this problem again. However, I kept going and that is a success in of itself.

Still not easy

Okay, the holiday season is going to be difficult. I say this because the last two days have involved bad food at work and good food at home. So, this is not going to be easy given parties and so on and so forth. I briefly saw 152.5 on the scale last night, I think it was a not to be repeated fluke given my food today. On the plus side, exercise has been really excellent and I do feel like I am pushing myself there. Just not giving myself a lot to work with by eating too many bad food choices. So, must work on that, despite the fact we are having chocolate fondue at work next wednesday and I love chocolate and fruit. My goal basically is not to gain any weight over the next few weeks, everything else is a bonus. So, still plugging along as best I can for right now, and hoping that I can make each day better than the previous one. After two years, it still is not easy and that is the honest truth.

Movement

As you may have noticed, a while back I entered yet another plateau in terms of weightloss. In other words, I hit 154 and then danced around that number for a really long time. However, this morning I finally saw real movement on the scale in the correct direction. I now weight 153 lbs, hopefully it will last. I suppose it helps that I am killing myself at the gym, I have increased my running speed, the amount of weight I am lifting, and added in more ab work and core fitness. Last night, which is normally a night off, I did 45 situps, core fitness, and some other ab work. I also briefly lifted some weights. This morning was cardio and weights. This evening will involve squats, lunges, and weights (possibly with some core fitness thrown in). I am pretty much on track with my diet, a couple minor slipups yesterday but nothing which threw off my calories for the day. I am replacing my coffee with hot tea for three reasons, first there are no calories in tea, second drinking tea is supposed to be good for you, and third having a hot beverage in the morning is the only thing which prevents me from freezing to death in my office. I will actually save calories this way because I put creamer and sugar in my coffee and that makes a 50-100 calorie beverage which I do not need to be drinking. Oh, and you want to know the really annoying thing about this, my brother who told me to do all of this was absolutely right. Sigh. As a younger sibling one attempts to never admit that your older sibling is correct about anything, it is an unwritten rule. Oh well, if I start losing weight again, I guess I can live with admitting that my brother was right about something.

Day 2 and counting

So far so good. I am on Day 2 of the no coffee plan and it seems to be working out. Well, other than the fact I am absolutely freezing right now and that is despite wearing three layers of clothing on top. I do have tea in my cupboard at home so maybe I will start bringing that into work, I have not decided whether or not I am drinking tea. I am also on track with everything else as well, yogurt in the morning, a thing of applesauce when I finished working out, and last night I had an omelet instead of pasta or rice. I am hopeful that all of these minor tweaks to my diet will help jumpstart my stalled progress. I am also working very hard at not snacking at work during the day, I am pretty sure that is where I am picking up a lot of unwanted calories in my diet. In terms of exercise, I am doing pretty well and today I actually managed to run at 6.8 mph for 30 minutes. That is a pace of around 8 minutes and 40 seconds per mile which is nice. I am going to do abs and core fitness exercises tonight and maybe lift some weights. I could not lift weights this morning because I had to go pick up my cat from the people who looked after her while I was gone. So, I only had 90 minutes at the gym, not two hours. My cat by the way, is very annoyed to be home and not at the fun house where she gets lots of treats, however I am sure she will adjust to being home.

Back from Vacation

I am back at work today after a trip of about 16 hours to get back to my little tropical island from the U.S. Mainland. The mini vacation was good for me in a lot of ways, mostly getting back on track and making life decisions sort of ways. First, I have decided that I am only going to stay out here for another 6-8 months so I am now begining the job hunt in earnest. Second, I am going to use that 6 month time frame to really work on these last 30-40 lbs I cannot seem to lose right now. So, today there was no coffee because I am cutting it out of my diet for right now, and because I have been dousing my spinal cord in massive amounts of caffine everyday and that cannot be a good plan. Second, I am getting serious about my weight lifting, I actually kicked up the weights a lot this morning and was sweating like a little maniac which had to be a good thing. Third, I am cutting pasta, cereal, and rice out of my diet for right now, I end up eating a fair amount of bread at work and I do not need to add to it with meals I eat at home. I am replacing the cereal with yogurt, fruit, and egg whites in the morning and the rice and pasta with more vegetables in the evening. I have a whole bag of unopened green peas in my freezer which I really should be eating not to mention a whole container of lentils and black beans. I do not really have very much food in my house right now, I am probably going to have to go to the store at some point in the next two days so that I do not starve to death. Maybe all of these things combined will make a really difference, maybe they will not but it is at least worth a shot. So far, I do not miss the coffee which is a good start. Oh and I did not gain weight over Thanksgiving and that is always a victory.

A brief check in

I am oddly jet lagged right now, in that today is the day before Thanksgiving but I keep thinking it is Thanksgiving because it would be where I actually live and work. Anyway, I am supposed to go workout later with my brother and then bake pies and make cranberry sauce for tomorrow. We are actually having two parties for thanksgiving tomorrow but only eating at one. Yesterday and the day before, I did actually manage to get in around a forty minute run. The weather here is much colder than I am used to back on my island and it makes working out much more difficult for some reason. I find it harder to breath and also I lack appropriate gym clothing. Running outside requires warm clothing and I just do not own any warm workout clothing. Sigh. I am off to get my hair cut and then maybe to the mall and the gym.

On Vacation

I am finally on vacation, very exciting. Last week was incredibly hectic since I was trying to resolve everything to prepare for my time off (hence the lack of posting). Yesterday, I spent 20 hours on planes and in airports before I arrived home. Due to time changes I arrived on the same day I left my little island. It is funny, I know exactly when I enter my home state just by the way the food options change, suddenly there are more extensive salad selections, fancier coffee, and skinnier people as a result. It is really fascinating to me as a concept. Not to mention the fact there is tons more fresh food in the grocery stores. This week, I will probably be a little more mellow about working out, I am going to try and go running every morning but I am not going to worry too much beyond that especially since I will be back to the gym next week Monday. This week is all about family and relaxing and that is good enough.

Tired and off track

Let us not discuss food yesterday or today, it was bad. However, exercise was good and water consumption was very good which has been a problem over the last few weeks. I also have gotten a fair amount of actual work done today which is impressive given the fact tomorrow is a holiday and I do not want to be in the office. I am still working out and keeping the difficulty high but that is about all that can be said for my efforts this week. I will workout tomorrow and then try to pull myself together over the weekend and be back on track by next week or sooner. At least I am still trying, but I just feel tired this week.

Blah

I am singularly uninspired today, about both food and working out. I worked out, but my eating has not been good today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better and it has the plus of being the last day of the work week. On the plus side, I have only had a little bit of coffee today but that does not really balance out my eating. I figure I will have a very light dinner and maybe make up for the excessive consumption during the day. I know some days are not going to be great and I just have to move on and get back on track the next day and that is my plan for tomorrow. Hopefully I will be back on track then and more inspired.

The Goodness of Glop

So, I just figured out that I will be coming into work on Friday (which is a holiday). I am not really annoyed because I was going to get up early on Friday and workout anyway. Still, it is an even better reason to get up early and go to the gym. I am once again back at the place in working out where I almost feel ill while I am working out. It will not last more than a day or two but is very common when I increase my running speed. I only went up to running at 6.6 mph and increasing my eliptical resistence by 1 but it always takes my body off guard. I will probably stick with this difficulty level for the rest of the week and then see where I am at the begining of next week. Still, according to the treadmill, I am running a 9:05 minute mile which is faster than I can really wrap my brain around at the moment. I am also cooking better food for myself at home this week, last night was beans, tomatoes, and meat stew. I will probably add peas to it tonight which will increase the vegetable content. Basically I have created what my family refers to as "glop" which is a stew that you keep adding ingredients to whenever you eat it. Good healthy stuff and that makes me happy. Not that my weight is changing mind you, but I am eating well which is half the battle.

Clean Sweep

Today was an odd workout day. Odd in the sense that it did not feel difficult in anyway. I was as sweaty at the end as normal, but just easy, almost not worth the effort. This is probably a good sign that it is time to increase the level of difficulty on all of my exercises again. I did run for 15 minutes at 6.6 mph but I did not increase the difficulty on anything else. So, tomorrow I have to increase all of my difficulty levels and that means that tomorrow will probably suck. Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, I did find my cell phone in my car, it is amazing what you find when you organize yourself properly. I have cleaned 3.5 rooms in my apartment and I have 1.5 rooms and a very messy closet left to clean. Basically, I managed to clean my kitchen, bathroom, living room and most of my bedroom. The kitchen looks especially good and now has canisters of beans decorating the countertop and hopefully convincing me to cook with them. I am trying to make sure that I get a better balance of food in my diet since I am once again hovering around 154 and not moving. Tonight I am going to have a stew of meat and black beans for dinner, I am hoping a clean kitchen will inspire me to cook more interesting things, we will see what happens over the next few days.

6 Day Work Weeks

I am begining to think that I will never have a Saturday where I do not have to go to work to catch up on what I can not do during the week. Sigh. Anyway, I just spent the last two hour cleaning up my work area and organizing my documents and files on the new shelving unit that I bought at K-Mart. I am very much a Type-A person at heart so clutter really makes me stressed and unhappy. I am going to spend the remainder of the weekend cleaning up my apartment as well, especially since I seem to have misplaced my cell phone either in my car or at home (at least I hope it is one of those two places). I did not work out today, although I had a decent workout yesterday morning. I might do some sit ups later, I am feeling lazy today for some reason. Also, I have had far too much coffee today so I am pretty wired right now which tends to make me try to do nine things simultaneously, never the best plan. Okay, I am off to do some more work and then head home to clean up the apartment.

Back to work

So, I am back after yesterday's holiday. I did actually workout yesterday, I got up at five a.m. and went to the gym for 2 hours and then went home and took a nap. Eventually I made it to the grocery store for a few essentials and then to Ross to get a couple more work shirts. I am always impressed at my ability to now buy really cheap clothing and look decent, yesterday I did not spend more than 20 dollars on anything and most of the shirts were under 10 dollars. Partially it is the weight loss and partially it is simply reality that regular sized clothing costs less than plus sized clothing (having comparison shopped at one point). So, I have enough clothing to now last until I go home in a couple of weeks, since I am once again having to edit my closet. I am not losing any weight but I am pretty much only wearing size 10 clothing with a couple of exceptions. Today has been a long annoying day, but on the plus side I worked out and it is the last night I have to work out at home with weights this week. I have to get back to work now and head off to court.

Feeling better

I feel better today, not great but better than yesterday. Well, if you discount the pounding headache I awoke to this morning which required instant consumption of pain medication. Still, better than yesterday where I never even ate lunch because I felt horrible and just tried to avoid the temptation to curl up under my desk and sleep. Needless to say, while I have worked out this week, I have not made any really gains on increasing my speed or difficulty levels. I am just going for status quo this week on my exercising, still running at 6.5 mph and doing a mix of level 7 and 13 resistence on the eliptical machine. This week going to the gym has been the goal since I am coughing and constantly battling sinus congestion and headaches. I also know I am begining to feel better because I have accomplished more in two hours this morning than I have in a week and a half. I think that is because I have been coming down with this cold and flu thing for awhile and just been trying to ignore it. Also, I am feeling motivated because tomorrow is a holiday and that means a whole day to relax and be lazy. So, if I can just get through today and my early workout tomorrow morning (which I am still planning on doing) then I can rest for the rest of the day which will be great.

Sick Girl Running

The last two days I have been slammed by a really bad cold. The kind of cold where I actually take cold medication and go to bed for 4 hour naps as a result. This is unusual because I do not take medication on a normal basis, maybe the occasional tylenol or aleve for pain. However, even with this cold I have been working out. I have read a lot of literature which says it is okay to work out when you are not feeling well and that it will not impede your recovery time. So, yesterday I lifted weights and today I did my normal routine at the gym. The only difference today was that I had to do all my breathing through my mouth because of my stuffed-up head, and I felt really warm while I was running. I think it is probably the combination of being slightly too warm because I am sick and the natural heat generated by running. I actually feel better now that I have worked out, although I am very tired today because I was not able to sleep well last night. On the plus side, I know if I can get through today and tomorrow I will be okay because wednesday is a holiday and I can sleep (although I will still go to the gym at my regular time). So, I am off to start the day and hopefully not inflict my cold on any of my co-workers.

Working on the weekend

Today is my work weekend, basically I have to go to work and charge everyone who comitted crimes last night. I like working on weekends, it tends to be very mellow and is usually only a few hours of work. I came into the office at about 9:30 am and should be headed home by about 3 pm at the latest. I usually stop at the grocery store on the way home and pick up sushi or something similar for a late lunch. Since today is my day off from anything workout related, I am usually a little more relaxed about food as well (which may seem odd). I treat Saturday as a rest day in all senses of the word, which helps me mentally prepare for the coming week. Wednesday of this week is a holiday and I may take this coming Friday off as comp time for working on the weekend. Anyway, as you can tell, I am just sort of rambling about things today because it is the weekend and my brain has shut down until Monday. I have to go finish off one more report and then go to court.

Running Dreams

Last night I had a dream about running. It was a long fast run which was really, really fun. So, it is perhaps an indication of the universe's sense of humor that my actual run this morning was really horrible and filled with side cramps and other problems. In fact my whole workout was bad, so I only did cardio and skipped weightlifting. I am hopeful that this was just a particularly bad day and Monday will be better. I am off to court, but I will try and make a longer entry later.

Under the weather

I am begining to get a sore throat, this is generally a very good indication that I am going to get a cold. I cannot afford to have a cold right now, frankly my office cannot afford for me to be sick either. On the plus side, running was easy this morning, all at 6.5 mph. My gym put on pretty decent music this morning and I think that may have helped me run, but I also know it is because I am increasing my fitness level everyday. However, that is not preventing the onset of this cold and sore throat which added to the stomach cramps I am having today is making it difficult to concentrate. I have to work this weekend which means I will not get much of a rest if I do become sick. I think if I was getting a little more sleep every night that would help, especially since I have been running on about 6 hours every night this week. I have always needed about nine hour of sleep to be really functional and alert during the day. Obviously that is not happening this week. I have been compensating by drinking entirely too much coffee and not enough water, which is bad. Anyway, one more workout day and it will be the weekend which is a good thing.

End of the day

It is the end of yet another very long day. Tomorrow will probably be long as well, as all my days have been recently. This morning my body was really tired which made working out a chore, I still managed about an hour (cardio and weight machines). Tonight will be free weights, and yes I did play catch up yesterday and I am now back on track with my weight lifting at home. I would really like to have a week at work where everything seems manageably, but it will not be this week. Tomorrow I have to write and file a motion by around noon and that will be rather traumatic. I am trying to calender all my upcoming problems and projects so that they will get finished on time. I am usually a better organized individual than this and that is contributing to my stress level. Anyway, I am going to head home now so I can be back tomorrow morning by 7:15 am.

Finally

Last night, I was at work until 8 pm. This means I did not lift weights when I got home, however I had lifted weights yesterday morning. I also ate dinner at about 8:30 last night and it was not exactly a small meal (pasta with tomato sauce and chicken). This is all by way of saying that when I hopped on the scale this morning at 4:30 am, I weighed in at 154 lbs again. Apparently over the last couple of weeks I was retaining about 4 lbs of water or something. Needless to say, I feel rather vindicated as a result of this discovery. I will probably make up my weight workout tonight after work and then I will be right back on track. I am feeling rather swish today, I am wearing my 20 dollar Ross Chinese jacket (size 10), a boring black shirt, a pair of gray slacks (size 10 Petite), and a pair of bright red shoes. I find it is a lot easier to look pulled together for not very much money at this weight. You can always find a size 10 on the rack but not a size 18. Probably because more people need a size 18, and if there is something attractive in a size 18 it disappears immediately. So, today I look snazzy thanks to the workouts.

Monday Morning

This morning involved large amounts of cardio and weight machines. I was saddened to learn that running at 6.5 mph (only for 15 minutes) was only a 9.13 mile, not a 9 minute mile. Then again, I can run much faster than ever before, and trust me, my family is not exactly known for being fast on our feet. I am pleased with my cardio improvement over the last few months and the fact that I am now easily fitting into size 10 clothing. It also occurs to me that now I am used to getting up at 4:30 am to work out, so much so that it doesn't even occur to me not to get out of bed and go to the gym. I like the gym in the early morning, it is filled with the same people every day and the staff remembers who you are and always says hi. Not to mention the fact that I never have much of a problem getting the cardio or weight machines that I want to use. I am definately a gym rat now, strange but true.

Clothing Problems

I may not be losing weight but I need new clothing in the worst possibly way. Now, I don't need any pants, but I do need shirts for work. I am waiting until I go home in November to buy anything since there is not that much shopping on island. I may however have to go and buy a new shirt or two. Basically all my shirts are so loose now that they make me look more overweight than normal. Today I am actually wearing one of my collared shirts over a tanktop because I actually look skinnier that just wearing the shirt on its own. I am really hoping that the fact I am back up to 157 is just an indication that I am retaining water or something similar. Since I am slowly transitioning size 12's out of my wardrobe, I do think there is a chance of that being true. I also have to believe that the fact I am working out for about 2 hours every single day during the week will make a difference. This morning was about 90 minutes of cardio and then thirty minutes of weight lifting with the machines and some situps. I have now had four cups of coffee and a Luna bar, I really need to cut back on the coffee but I am freezing and it is the only warm beverage in the office. I am going to run by the store at lunch and maybe find something else warm to drink.

Brief check-in

The last two days have been very hectic, and not such good food days. Yesterday, I unexpectedly ended up on the nightly news in a press conference with my boss. I have no desire to be on television, so that was rather interesting and not terribly fun. I am still working out like a little maniac, maybe even a little bit too much since I am approaching the point where you feel on the borderline of being mildly ill. I attempt to avoid that feeling but it has shown up this week a couple of times and then gone away before I had actually had time to make up my mind to stop or even slow down. I am now adding in weight machine workouts at the gym to supplement the weight training I do at home. I know I am pushing my self a lot in terms of exercise right now, but then I was always an addictive personality and pretty driven in certain aspects of my life. It tends to manifest itself when I am under a lot of pressure. I would write more, but I have to get back to work now since I am truly swamped right now.

The Sensible Option

How I can do an hour and thirty minutes of cardio every day, not eat excessively, and not lose any weight, I do not know. I seem to be managing that feat easily right now, but I am trying not to be frustrated and whine about it. I am running out of things to change in my eating and diet habit to make myself lose weight, so I am going with the other more sensible option. I am not changing anything, I am going to continue to eat sensibly and workout and we will see what happens over the next month. There is a level of sanity in that concept which generally is at odds with my disposition and personality. I have another really long court day ahead of me, this week is very busy because every single judge is here right now. The only good news is that it prevents me from snacking on extra food. I am hoping that the rest of the week will be more manageable but I am not holding my breath. Oh, and in a random thought, thank god for the Food Network. I love cooking shows and I saw one which included roasting asparagus so I tried it. Quick, easy and really tasty. I just put the asparagus in the oven at 350 degrees for about 15 minutes after sprinkling some olive oil and salt on top of it. I have enough asparagus for three meals, and I am all about precooking and preplanning so this is great. I highly recommend it as a fast veggie for dinner.

Tired

Today was a very long Monday. I estimate that I spent about 7 hours in court today. Enough said. I did however have a pretty decent workout session this morning. The thing I like about working out in the morning is that even if you start out feeling out of sorts, you end up feeling energetic. At least I do, I always feel more awake and sane after I have worked out. Now at the end of the day I am exhausted and I have a headache and I would kill for the just done working out feeling. I am going to go home and lift some weights to see if that makes me feel any better. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better workday.

Weekend Office Duty

So, I am in the office today because I thought I was going to get work done. Not sure that is actually going to happen because all of my favorite co-workers are here and that tends to lessen the amount of work. I always treat myself to some kind of food that I want since it is my free day. Today, my food of choice was a large latte with cinnamon in it. This does not exactly count as a large food splurge but I may be going out tonight. Besides, I don't really crave a lot of foods in the same way that I used to crave them, I love bread but that is about it. I could probably eat a loaf of bread a day if I let myself but that is not an option in my diet. Of course, I am again retaining water or something because I suddenly really bounced back up on the scale but I am getting used to the pattern now and I was expecting it. I will probably drop a little after the weekend because I tend to eat less than during the week. So, I am now going to try and get a little work done and then I am off home to clean up and organize my life.

Themes revisited

I love Fridays, especially the part where I do not have to work out tomorrow. I had less twinging this morning, but my legs felt pretty leaden while I was running along. Add in an early morning headache and it was a fun gym day all around. I have a relatively full court day today which includes a lot of motion arguments which are not really very fun. It is the day to day stresses of this job which would make me insane if I did not workout. On another note, in doing my daily blog readings I have noticed a standard theme cropping up again. It is the idea of passing for thin, and feeling like you are faking it. I get this all the time, where people tell me that I can eat more because I am skinny or wear things because I am thin. I know differently, or think that I do because I know where I have been and how hard it is to stay where I am right now. Yesterday, a rather stunned co-worker found out how much weight I had lost and said "Oh, so you had gastric bypass surgery", um no. I just went to the gym and changed my eating habits. However, I could see that her genuine surprise was based on the fact that she has never seen me at any weight other than my current one. If all you see is this person, you can't really imagine the former person ever existed. I always feel like I am admiting some deep dark secret (which it isn't) based upon the reactions. I may never get used to the reactions and some days it wears me down.

Aches and Pains

So, I have been noticing that my knees are hurting this week, and today my left shin is hurting. I have been taking it a little bit easy to compensate for the twinges. I am not sure whether the twinging is from running or possibly from the fact that I did lunges and squats yesterday. Possibly a combination of both sets of exercises. Fortunately, tomorrow is my last cardio session for the week and then I have an entire day off from any sort of intentional exercise. This week I definately need that recovery time for my body. Partially I suspect that my body is just reacting to the additional 15 minutes of exercise which I am adding in to my routine and I will adjust overtime. I don't worry that much because I am relatively young and recover fast, but maybe I should pay closer attention. My concession is to run a little slower this week and rest up on the weekend, for now we will see how that works out.

Losing the Stomach

Today has been remarkably hectic and it is only midday. There is no way of determining when craziness will break loose and that is always a problem. Add to that an okay but not great workout and it is not the best day ever. On the plus side, one of my judges noticed that I am losing weight, which suggests that people see things I have been missing because of my focus on the number on the scale. Yes, I am working on seeing the positives, just hard as always. Oddly, people are now telling me that I have lost too much weight but I know I still have some more to go. I am not going for stick thin by any means, but I am just trying to lose the stomach, or as much of it as I can without surgery.

The 1.5 Month

This is the third time I am trying to write this post, my computer hates me almost as much as my scale does right now. I discovered last night that I have only lost 1.5 lbs in the past month. That works out to under .5 lbs per week which explains why I have been feeling frustrated and stagnant. I am therefore setting very small goals for the next month. I would like to weigh 152 or 150 pounds by the time I go home in November. That is either 4 lbs lost (1 lb per week) or 2 pounds lost (.5 lbs per week). I will be happy about either number. 152 will mean that I have lost 90 lbs from my highest recorded weight of 242 lbs which is when I stopped weighing myself because it was too depressing. 150 was the weight that I claimed I was during my freshman year in highschool, frankly I probably weighed more and was lying about that at the time. Since my body is currently laughing in my general direction, all of this may or may not happen, who knows for sure. I knew my weight loss would slow down over the last 20 or 30 lbs but this much slowdown is admittedly frustrating to me. Still, even .5 lbs every week is progress and I am going to go with that for now and see what happens over the next month.

The Better Part of Valor

I have not been feeling 100 percent for the past couple of days. So, this morning I ran at 6.3 mph rather than 6.4 mph. My body still felt off, but it became clear the minute I started running that 6.4 mph was just not going to happen today. I added on a 10 minute brisk walk on the treadmill at the end of my run with some mild hills and a five minute cooldown. That translated to approximately 85 extra calories burned. Plus, I was still at work by 7:15 am so it is not like it cut into my working time by very much. I still did not really put very much effort into my workout today because of how I feel. However, I go on the theory that it is okay to have really hard days and really slack days along the way. The most important part is that I get to the gym everyday and do something good for my body. I work in a really sedentary profession and I spend a lot of time in front of a computer screen not moving so I need to get in concious movement elsewhere in my day. So, I worry about working out, but not how hard I work out. In the end, if I work out really well when I am not feeling good, all I will accomplish is making myself sick and then not being able to workout at all for awhile and that would be bad in my world. Then again, I just did an hour and thirty minutes of cardio, so my version of not working out is really skewed as compared to normal sane people. Today was an easy day though, I swear, and if I don't feel better tomorrow I will take it easy then too.

154 lbs

This weekend, after I decided to stop whining so much, I finally hit 154 lbs. That probably means something and I should think about it seriously. I won't, but I probably should think about it. I know logically when I relax and do not fuss about things, they tend to happen more easily. However, that is not my nature, I am a worrier, and on some level very much a Type A personality. Most of the time it works to my favor, some of the time I become so wrapped up in minutia that I can't see the larger picture around me. So, I see that I am 155 lbs and only losing tiny amounts if at all, and I forget the 87 lbs that I have lost over the last two years. I see the extra bit of rice I ate at lunch, and miss the fact I haven't had a candy bar in over a year. I have to learn how to stop beating myself up about the small things, without losing my grip on the big things. I have to learn how to balance my life. As I say so often here, I am not there yet, but I am trying everyday to find the balance. This morning I upped the second half of my run to 6.4 mph, according to the treadmill that is a 9:22 mile pace. All I can tell you is that it was very tiring which was probably a good thing, add that to the eliptical and I was exhausted at the end. I had to run an early morning errand today, but tomorrow I am going to add on 15 minutes at the gym and then next week go up to an extra 30 minutes everyday. Maybe it will make a huge difference, maybe it will not, we shall see what happens over the next few weeks.

Changes

I did something today that I have not done in a long time. I asked for time off. If you put it in perspective, I have not taken a day off in the last year. I sense burnout approaching so I am asking for vacation time to get my brain back together. I have indicated that I have been exhausted for the last few weeks, actually also for the last few months. So, hopefully, a week off in December and a week off in November. In other news, I finished off my cardio for the week this morning, the rest days are going to be really nice. One of my co-wokers is planning on starting early morning workouts in about two weeks so I am probably going to start working out from 5:15 am to 7:45 am on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. She is going to come to the gym at about 7 am on those days, so I am going to stay later on those days and workout at the same time. I have not actually figured out what I will do in the extra time, probably some more cardio and also I will use the machines to get in more of a weight workout. I am thinking that on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I will probably stay at the gym until about 7:30 or so, depending on my workload. I don't actually have to be at the office until 8 am and hopefully this will help me break through my eternal plateau of 155.5-156 lbs. Yes, I am still stuck there right now. I know this probably sounds excessive, but I used to workout every day except Sunday for two hours at a time. So, I know I can do this and be physically and mentally okay doing it. Actually, I am usually better off when I workout that much. So, I am going back to that system again.

More Ramblings

I have discovered that I weigh less at the end of the day than I do at the begining, which is frankly just slightly odd. Also, this is a sign I weigh myself far too many times a day and I am working on that problem. Anyway, I lifted weights last night and did squats and lunges which made me a bit sore this morning. That contributed to a pretty crappy run this morning but I still ran for 30 minutes at my usual pace of 6.3 mph. I really don't know how much faster I want to run, I do want to start running at 6.5 mph but I don't really see any need to go quicker than that in the long run. I am just trying to avoid utter workout boredom but the great benefit of working out in the early morning is that I am not awake enough to realize that I am bored or to really focus on the fact I am forcing myself to workout. This is probably why my weight workouts in the evening are much worse mentally for me, I am awake and aware of what I am doing and that I do not want to be doing it. All of this probably means that I will always be a morning workout person even though I do not like getting up early in the morning. I am in a pretty good mood today, just tired. However, I have realized recently that I am not physically tired most days, just emotionally exhausted due to work stress. I sense the early onset of burnout from overwork, but I swear I am going to go on vacation soon and that will make it better.

The big picture

I feel like I have spent an inordinate amount of time recently bitching about the whole weight loss thing. I have whined about not losing weight, about my general apathy toward the whole process, about my gym, and about my eating habits in general. I don't live my life whining about these things, so I don't really want to spend all my blogging time ranting about them. Have I lost weight recently, no, but I have accomplished some huge things which were equally important to me and which I have not talked about as much. I am fitting into all of my size 10 clothing, not perfectly but they are fitting and they are all 10 petites which are cut smaller than regular size 10's. I am running a little over three miles a day, really running not just waddling along. I am running a mile in approximately 9 minutes and 30 seconds and I have never been able to do that before in my entire life. I am lifting 15 pound weights, doing 60 sit-ups four days a week, plus 60 lunges and 60 squats twice a week. I pretty much bounce off walls on a daily basis because I have so much energy to burn durring the day. Not to mention the fact that I am finally getting organized at work and also good at what I do professionally which is a huge accomplishment. So, life overall is good and I should acknowledge that more often here and be gratefully for where I am and what I am doing on a daily basis. Introspection only accomplishes so much and I have been looking at the little details for so long that I forget the big picture and I should remember it.

The Brick Wall

Every month or so, my gym decides to engage in a really interesting torture test. They turn off the hot water to the showers. It usually only lasts one day, maybe two, but let me tell you that a freezing cold shower at 6:30 am is not any fun at all. This is especially true when you are really hot from having worked out for 75 minutes straight, however I am now very awake as a result of that shower. I am back down to 155.5 lbs as of this morning so last week's stumble does not seem to have really caused any lasting damage. I suppose it was the universe smacking me around for getting a little bit cocky about my weight loss. I would like this to be easy, I would like to not worry about what I put in my mouth every day, but that is not how it works for me and that has never been how it works for me. My brother had this metaphor about life at one point which I stole from him and now use a lot. Imagine a brick wall in your direct path with no visible door or way around it, there are people who will come up to that wall and leap effortlessly over it, there are people who will come up to the wall and decide that it is just too much effort to get around it and instead take a nap in front of it or set up camp permanently in that location, finally there are people who will come to the wall and bang their heads and bodies into it until they finally make a hole big enough to climb through and continue on their way. The wall is the obstacles we face in life, and frankly both my brother and I have spent much of our lives banging our heads into the wall until we break through it. This is pretty much how losing weight has gone for me, baby steps all the way along the road. Some people can lose all the weight in a year, I expect that it will take me more than two years to lose all the weight I want to lose. I am tired of it, but I keep going because I have a goal of where I want to be and I intend to get there someday (plus frankly my eating and exercise habits won't change that much when I hit my goal). I just want to be done with the losing weight part of the journey but I have a feeling that I have a lot more head banging to do before that day arrives.

Landing flat on my Face

So, let me recap the end of last week for you, it can be summed up as follows, "Kat falls face first into a pile of food." Thursday and Friday were extremely bad food days and frankly the week which proceeded it was not very good either. The weekend was totally on plan but very low overall in calories. Thus, the fact I have ended up at the begining of the week at 156.5 is a truly amazing miracle and can probably be attributed to the fact that I am running for 30 minutes five days a week at 6.2 mph and adding another 30 minutes on the eliptical machine. That and weights are probably the only things which stopped major weight gain this last week. My goal this week is to be back on plan fully with no deviations and no excessive snacking. I find that whenever I think that I have completely beaten back my food demons, I get smacked around a bit by my ability to eat everything in sight. Sigh, the issues never completely go away for me, I am just better able to manage them overall. On the plus side, this morning's run was really nice and almost easy until I raised the speed to 6.3 mph at the 15 minute mark. I am constantly amazed by how quickly my body adjusts to an increased speed and intensity level. Now, I am going to work on not sabotaging my workouts by eating lots and lots of extra food (especially processed food) and sticking to my salads and healthy proteins.

A photo opportunity

Today I am wearing my black suit which actually makes me look thinner than I am, I love clothes that have this function. We are taking an office photo so slimming clothing is important, unfortunately it cannot do anything about the blemish on my forehead which shows up even though I am wearing makeup. It is in fact the only reason I am wearing makeup since I never wear any unless I am in trial. I will be in trial in about a month so I suppose remembering how to apply my makeup is a good thing. I am not much enamored of having my photo taken in case you did not realize that fact, the only person who has ever taken really good photos of me is my dad (and he used to be a professional photographer) and it involves taking many, many shots. This is one of the secrets to any good photo and I doubt they are going to take very many pictures this morning. The other thing about photos is that they always mess with the mental image you have of yourself, and generally for me this is a bad thing. Then again, I don't have very many pictures of myself at this weight so maybe I am blowing things out of proportion in advance. Maybe it will turn out to be a good picture of me, who knows. However, I am still not very excited by the prospect, especially since I am a lawyer and a short girl which in this office means I will probably end up in the front of the photo. Anyway, I am off to do some work before we have to go and take this group picture.

Frustrated Ranting

I am feeling singularly uninspired today, which has been happening frequently recently, in case you had not noticed. I think what I notice more and more is how much harder I am working recently to lose weight, at least in terms of exercise. I am basically watching what I eat pretty closely and eating healthy foods, but I really have to raise the intensity level of my workouts. I am running a 9:40 mile now, which means I run a little over three miles a day. I have raised the intensity on the eliptical machine as well, and of course I am lifting heavier weights. If the machines are to be believed (and frankly they are not) I burn around 750-770 calories every morning just in cardio exercise. Yet, the scales move slowly if at all, which is admittedly frustrating to me. I know it takes more intensity the fitter I get to lose weight, and I have always known that losing weight once I got in sight of my eventual goals would be difficult and take a long time. I still find it frustrating, and all the logic in the world cannot alter that fact. I am also not surprised that frustration causes a lack of motivation and inspiration for me. I have been trying to lose weight for one year and eight months now, and it is such a long process for me. There have been weeks and months like this before, there will be weeks and months like this in the future, they will always suck and they will always pass. This is what keeps me on track, the promise that for awhile this will get easier again and I will feel better about the process. So, I make my salads, I workout, I drink my water, and I wait for better days.

Ninety-Five Percent

There is a percentage that I roll around in my head a lot, especially the more weight I lose on this journey. (Not that I am currently losing weight, I am still hanging out in the land of 155.5 lbs). The percentage is 95% or in the alternative 5%, the ever looming statistic that virtually every dieter knows by heart. Over the long term, 95% of people who lose weight will regain the weight and only 5% will permanently keep the weight off. This is a daunting statistic, especially if, like me, you have struggled with weight your whole life. Heck, I was a chubby baby by all accounts, and I was never a thin child. So, when do you know that you have crossed the threshold into the elite 5% group and out of the 95% group? I don't think you ever do, and some days that is an exhausting thought. I think I will always have to think about what I put into my mouth, always worry about whether I am getting enough exercise, and always fight the scale. I think this in part because I have an older brother who was an elite athlete in college, works out as much as three hours a day for his job, and still struggles with weight issues (albeit on a much smaller scale than me). He has never been overweight, but then again he has never achieved that elusive six pack set of abs either, I know, we have discussed this fact at times. Our workout ethic only gets us 95% of the way there, and our genetics balk at the remaining 5% to absolute physical perfection. Then again, absolute physical perfection has always been highly overated in my book. I know what 95% of the way there looks like, because my brother has been there for a long time (just ask my father about the fact that when they used to run together, my brother would run backwards just to get a better workout, go ahead just ask), and I know I am not there yet. That is what gets me up in the morning somedays and gets me to the gym, and I hope someday that keeping myself in the 5% group of people who keep the weight off will keep me going to the gym. In the end, only time will tell.

Saying Thank You

I was thinking the other day about how hard it is to respond to compliments (at least for me) when it comes to weightloss. After the lunch on friday, my coworkers were telling me how much weight I have lost and teasing me because I don't eat desert. Mostly, they were commenting on how much skinnier I look now than even a few months ago. I never quite know how to respond to such things, probably because to me there has not been much change. Yes, things fit better now, but I still see the extra rolls of fat and the tummy which just is not willing to go away for right now. So, I say thank you but I hem and haw about it all the same, you know, the thank you but I have lots more weight to lose response. Now, there are places that I see change, my fitness level has shot way up in the last two months, my cool down pace on the treadmill is 4.1 mph which is faster than I used to be able to run. I lift heavier weights and I get out of breath less easily. However, I still see room for change and I would really like to stop hovering around 156 lbs. Then again, hovering around 156 is better than the weight I used to hover around which was 242 lbs. Ultimately, I think I have to forgive myself for the damage that my overeating and obesity did to my body before I will really be able to say thank you to the people who tell me that I look really good. I am not there but I am trying to get there.

No Leeway

My office is having a luncheon today, which means they asked me to make desert, so I did. The problem with baking for me is that I have to taste things like batter and frosting to make sure I am doing it right. Not to talk myself up, but I am a really good baker and so I get asked to make things a lot by my office. I can't do it without the tasting though, the best way I can explain it is that baking without testing flavors is like walking around blindfolded, it can be done but it does not work as well. My solution is to not bake as a general rule, but I did this time because it was a special request. As a result my weight instantly bounced up today, add in a large office lunch today and it is not looking like such a good diet day and it is only 7:50 am. On the plus side, some of my co-workers specifically purchased a vegetable platter for today because they wanted me to have something healthy to eat, now that is love. I am aiming for a lot of vegetables at lunch and a very light dinner, we will see how that works out. I lifted weights last night, did my standard workout this morning (still running at 6.1 mph) and have tomorrow off which is great. I am going to roast a chicken tomorrow which will be dinner and part of lunch for most of next week. I am actually pretty decent at roasting chickens and they tend to be really yummy ( I generally rub them with butter and lemon and then stick between two and four lemon halves in the body cavity). I was going to cook the chicken earlier this week, I just never had time to do it. I am just really glad that it is finally friday.

Annoying sleepwalkers

You want a really good way to annoy sleepy people? Open up your gym twenty minutes late with the explanation that you overslept. Not the best excuse ever since I lost power last night and had to tell what time it was by using the clock on my cell phone. I debated cutting my workout a little bit short to make it to work right on time, but then it occurred to me that this was a silly idea since I go into work an hour early anyway so it wasn't like I could possibly be late if I ran twenty minutes over at the gym. As it was, I made it to work by 7:05 am which is partially due to the fact that my gym is 5 minutes from my work. Somehow in the last two days I have dropped from 158-157 (where I have been hovering for several weeks) back down to 156.5-155.5, even though I am actually eating slightly more food. Either I was bloated, retaining water, or I was eating too few calories. Possibly it is a combination of both problems. It was however a reminder that minor fluctuations are not worth worrying about (or alternatively throwing oneself face first into a pile of cookie dough) because they will even out in the long run. I know this logically but logic doesn't always win out over my emotions. So, I just try to stick to my schedule and eating plan as much as possible and not worry about minor slips or bumps in the road. It is a really long road and I still have so far to go that I don't want to just become focused on the ground immediately under my feet.

Short Term Memory Loss

Somedays I don't really have anything to write about, today would be one of those days. I live my life on such a consistent schedule that it is hard to come up with anything interesting. I went to the gym, because I always go to the gym during the week, I ran while at the gym because that is what I do every day, same goes for the eliptical machine. My abs hurt for no real reason because I did not do any situps last night. I know of course that the benefit of consistency is the fact that exercise always gets done no matter what else goes on in my day. Just getting to the gym is 90 percent of the battle for me, once I am there working out on some level will occur. I am remembering more and more why I took up running in the first place about a year and a half ago. Yes, I don't always like it while I am actually doing it but the rush of endorphins when I finish running is always worth the pain. Of course, I don't actually think that when I am running, then it just really sucks somedays (today was one of those days). However, I am done know so I can let my brain delude me into thinking that it was really a lot of fun, thus making sure I will go back tomorrow.

Snack attack

Last night I discovered something interesting, cereal which is slightly too sweet for general consumption with soy milk makes an excellent snack. It is actually a healthy snack but they made it too sweet for me to eat a whole bowl (and that is an odd sentence for me the sweet food lover to write). So, today I made myself a little baggie of cereal and brought it with me to work as my morning snack. This leaves my more substantial energy bar as my afternoon snack at about 2:30 or 3:00. I am desperately trying to come up with a system which keeps me from randomly snacking my way through the office food supply. I am still in a lovely plateau, but I know from experience that no plateau lasts forever and eventually I will make my way out the other side of it (but not if I eat a bunch of really unhealthy food). My running speed has now moved up to 6.1 mph which is a 9:50 mile according to the treadmill and I am getting better at lifting my 15 lb weights. All of these things are good and I am focusing on them rather than the scale. I also notice that the more I work out and get fit, the harder it is for me to sit still for a long period of time. Yesterday I probably walked around the floor my office is on at least ten times. I fidget and I do not like sitting still. This is odd for someone who was the queen of laziness in the past and could sit still for hours. I understand the other side effects of losing weight but this one surprises me. I am used to being colder than I used to be (less body fat), getting full more quickly, and being more sensitive to the taste of sugar in things (I do not eat very much now). However, the restlessness surprises me, I have to be doing stuff or moving around a lot more than in the past. In the long run, that will no doubt be a good thing, it just surprises me though right now.

I'm back again

So, I have internet again after moving up three floors. It is still chaos up here but I have fashioned a small oasis in the middle of it for now. This morning I ran at 6.0 for twenty-five minutes with five 1 minute sprints at 6.5 mph interspersed throughout. My body is laughing in my general direction right now, so I am pretty much ignoring it and the scale. I have clearly re-entered the land of the plateau and will be spending some time visiting. I figured I was due for a plateau and my eating last week was not great so it is no surprise. I spent Sunday making brownies for work which effectively cleared the last chocolate, sugar and flour out of my apartment. Baking is generally a sign that I am slightly off-plan so this week I am working on being very on-plan. I have to run home at lunch so I will make and eat my salad there and maybe pick up a snack for later on this afternoon. At least my new desk is not near the food area and that is a real plus for me right now. Okay off I go to an early lunch.

Moving Day

My office is once again moving. Sigh. The good news is that we are only moving up three floors, the bad news is that the floor we are moving to is filled with boxes and not habitable yet. Sigh. I think watching me move was humorous since I moved all my boxes while wearing three inch heels (I have a meeting this afternoon). I expect by the end of today to have no internet and no phone connection at work, and who knows how long that will last. Hopefully we will be settled in by next week. I ran at 6.0 mph this morning, it was okay, not great and not horrible. Tomorrow is the last cardio workout this week which makes me happy and then it will be the weekend. Tonight is also my last weight workout for the week which will be nice especially since I have moved up to heavier weights. My weight is all over the place this week so I am basically ignoring it and just weighing in so I do not go horribly off track. I think this is the week in the month where I end up retaining water and being bloated which is always lovely. Right now, I am just focusing on making it through tomorrow and then the weekend stretchs out before me, albeit for only two days but it is still a weekend. I hate moving, have I mentioned that recently?

There will always be days like this

This morning reminded me of why I do actually sometimes enjoy running. It was almost effortless once I really started moving and I could have kept going for much longer (at least that is what it felt like). This is a surpassingly rare phenomenon for me, it happens about once every month. I needed that this morning, I had a horrible day at work yesterday which is not really worth discussing and I am begining to get ready for another trial in just over a week and a half. Add in piles of work that I have not gotten to yet, and yesterday was very stressful. I snacked a little at work yesterday, my fallback response to stress, but today I feel centered and calm because of my morning workout. This is why I went back to the gym in February of this year, and this is why I keep going back to the gym every weekday for the past six months religiously. Working out keeps me sane on some very basic level that I cannot really explain. Eighty-six pounds ago I would have eaten extra food and still felt bad the next day, now I run three miles and feel focused and calm. It does not always last past the morning hours but at least it happens occasionally.

The Apple Pie Story

The early afternoon is always the worst time for me. I start getting hungry and end up snacking. Plus, I always eat the actual packed snack I brought and then I am hungry 30 minutes later. Yesterday, one of my co-workers went to McDonalds (oh yes this has the potential to be a bad story) and got four of the apple pie things. Why she got four, I will never know. Anyway, she handed me one and said "Here Kat this is for you." This is an impossible situation, you can't really refuse it and now you are carrying around the fat person equivalent of dietary TNT. At least, if you are me, which I recognize that you are not, anyway moving on. I love all deserts and so when I am on plan I try really hard to stay away from sugar, if I am not eating sugar then I do not miss it but if I eat it, I end up in loads of trouble. So, I spent the next ten minutes wandering around the office carrying a little McDonalds apple pie. I think I came up with 30 reasons to eat it ( I am a lawyer, coming up with reasons is what I do) and very few if any reasons not to eat it. After ten minutes of staring at the pie, I finally got up, walked the twenty feet to the big office trash can and put the pie into it. No, I don't feel better as a result but thanks for asking. As a reward, the scale has put me up a pound to 157 today which only proves that you can't rely on the scale for any real validation.

Complacency

More and more recently I have been feeling what I refer to as the superior mind set coming back to haunt me. This is where I begin to indulge my inner thin girl, who has somehow managed to not be eaten by my inner fat girl (which is frankly impressive all things considered). She trots out, sniffs and then demands to know two things, one who invited alll the fat people and second how could they possibly remain overweight when all they have to do is eat less and workout more. She is very snotty, did I mention that? I worry about the inner thin girl, because she makes it really easy to lose focus about what I am doing and how careful I still need to be about food. More than that, I worry because I work very hard on not being one of those self-righteous born again fitness freaks who expects everyone to follow her path. Where I am is not necessarily where a lot of other people want to be, and there is nothing wrong with that fact. So, when the inner thin girl makes a grand appearance, the inner fat girl takes her on a walk back down memory lane. In this case, I went back and looked at pictures from 2002, 2003, and early 2004. Holy crap is pretty much all that comes to mind. I look like a giant inflatable balloon and I had looked like that for years which is frightening. My inner thin girl wonders why no one said anything about it, I point out that people did, and as a general rule she slinks away, not to be seen again for a few months. Complacency, it isn't a good thing, but it can be cured.

15 lbs

This weekend I went to K-mart, which frankly isn't saying much because it is the only place on island to buy cheap stuff. I am not a big fan of big box stores, but my budget is and it wins. So, Sunday morning I went to K-mart and headed straight for the small section of fitness equipment. I was looking for 12 lb dumbells, but they only had 15 lb weights. So, I bought two because there were no other options and took them home. I will spare you the discription of the 20 minutes it took me to find something to carry them up to my apartment, suffice it to say I almost dropped the weights on my car rear bumper and my toe three times. Once they were in my apartment, I ignored them for a couple of hours until I decided to do my weight workout. Okay, I am a big weakling, and I freely admit this fact, but boy did those weights make a huge difference. All of a sudden I was actually breathing hard and lifting to the point of failure for the first time in over a month. Tonight is going to be even uglier because tonight is my arm and shoulder workout. I used to lift 20 lb weights, I want to get back there eventually, but this was a reminder that I need to increase my weights about every month or else that will not happen. Oh, and when I have to carry 20 lb weights into my apartment, well that is going to be so funny that I should probably have it videotaped for posterity. In other news, I managed to run for 15 minutes at 6.0 mph this morning, the remainder was at 5.9 mph. I estimate that I am running about 15 miles every week on the treadmill which is really good for me. When I am running comfortably at 6.0 mph, I am going to start increasing the length of time that I run and also I am thinking about doing more intervals durring my running workouts. I am only really interested in running a 10 minute mile, but that may change the longer I run. Mostly, I am concerned about increasing the intensity of my workouts as I get more fit and in shape. Someday, I am going to get around to running a 5k but I am not really working towards that right now. I also spent yesterday cooking up salmon and some steak for my salads this week, tonight I will cook the frozen chicken breast I have at home. I have been eating just chicken for the last few weeks so I am trying to fit some variety into my diet.

You win some, you lose some

I have got to stop working on Saturdays. It is beautiful and sunny outside and I am in my office, trying to catch up on motions which are due on Monday. This is the problem with trial, it takes you away from all of your other work. My trial by the way, we lost. I can live with that, the jury thought I did a good job but there just wasn't enough evidence to convict. As long as I did a good job, I refuse to worry about anything else, besides in the end that is all you can really control. I am still exhausted and I never got around to breakfast today but other than that life is actually pretty good. Today, I am not working out at all and frankly I need the break. I am sitting at 155.5 still which is pretty good after having gone out last night and had two drinks and a bunch of popcorn. I really am going to go through my clothing this weekend and toss some stuff and see what can be salvaged for future use. I think a fair amount of stuff will just end up going because I am not wearing it on a regular basis. Anyway, back to work I go for a little while, hopefully I will be out of the office by about 2 pm.

Sleepytime

I need sleep in the worst possible way. I did not sleep well this week, I had trouble falling asleep because of trial and I went to bed late. This is a bad, bad, combination for me. I keep telling myself that I just need to get through today and tomorrow I can sleep in until 8 am. It is really bad when sleeping until 8 am qualifies as sleeping late. Tonight, I am going to go out with my coworkers for drinks so that will probably take me a little off plan. I can live with a little detour every now and again, so I am not worried. I was down to 155.5 today, so I am changing my weight loss count on the sidebar to say that I have lost 86 lbs. I love changing that count, just haven't been able to do it since I moved here and stopped being focused on weight loss. So, I am really back on track now and that makes me happy. People have definately noticed and that feels good. Anyway, I will write more later but I have to go prep for a bail hearing now.

Still holding

I am still at exactly 156 lbs today so I guess it is real. Then again, I probably burned off a few extra calories yesterday morning by pacing around the office before I went to court. By the way, trial is so much fun, it is a huge natural high and I am loving it. I am however very stressed, and yesterday morning the secretaries were actually worried that maybe I was throwing up in the bathroom because I was nervous. This did not happen, I just paced around the office and drank lots of water and then went to court. I did not sleep very much last night, my brain would not shut down, so I think total I got about 4 hours of sleep. Normally, I need at least 8 or 9 hours to function at top speed. In situations like this, coffee is the only solution. Thus, this morning workout was no fun at all because I was tired. I had a cramp for the whole time I was running in both my leg and my side. I still ran for my normal time though, and hopefully tomorrow will be better. I also lifted weights last night in a sort of cursory manner but at least it got done. Anyway, back to work now.

156, is it real or not?

I can't find my mascara. This probably seems like a small issue to the rest of the world, I do realize that fact. However, when you are in the middle of trial, every small issue feels as if it is magnified by a thousandfold. Thus, the inability to find mascara seems like a big issue right at this moment. I doubt we will win or lose based upon whether or not my eye lashes are blacker than normal and I don't have time to go and buy more mascara. So, I will worry about other things instead (and trust me I have other much bigger issues to worry about). This morning, I am down to 156 lbs. Now, I have no idea whether that is stress related, or due to copious amounts of working out every day. I ran at 5.9 mph today for 30 minutes and it really was horrible but it distracted me from what I have to do today and that was a beautiful wonderous thing. The only other thing which has managed to distract me is the novel "The Historian" which I picked up on a whim last weekend and spent two hours reading last night. Anyway, back to the exercise thing, most attorneys in my office claim to lose between 2-5 pounds during trial just from stress and not having time to eat. You spend all day in court and run around like a chicken with your head cut off outside of court trying to put out unexpected fires. So, there is very little time for eating extraneous food. I am forcing myself to eat my prepacked snacks if I get the chance, because otherwise I will end up way too low on calories for each and everyday. Then again, 156 could be a real weight since it is only down a pound from 157 which I kept hitting on and off last week. Who knows, who cares as long as in the grand scheme of things the scale keeps going down. I find the longer that I do this weight loss thing, the more zen I get about the actual numbers providing that they move slowly in a downward direction. Then again, you should expect a little dance when I get below 154 because that is the lowest number I have hit in the last two years and I am really looking forward to getting past it and moving onward.

The Labor Day Mystery

I feel I should tell you upfront that they did not take any pictures during the interview, and frankly I was relieved. However, I did get a chance to tryout my trial makeup which looked pretty good. This morning I was back at the gym and ran for my usual thirty minutes, half at 3.8 mph and half at 3.9 mph. Yesterday, I just lifted weights because the gym was closed and it was raining, not to mention there is no where safe to go running around where I live in town. This is my real question though, why does the gym have to close on labor day? I mean after all isn't it called "labor" day which implies that you should do some actual work. I would work out on a holiday during the week if the gym was opened but apparently that is not an option. I am back down to 157 again which is nice, who know if it will last. However, I am begining to see a real difference with my pants and shirts. This weekend I am going to have to go search for a tailor to get some things altered so that they fit properly again. I am not complaining mind you, just pondering on the fact that I seem to spend loads of money on clothing but end up with nothing that fits exactly right. I think when I reach goal weight, the really exciting thing will be having a permanent wardrobe.

You want to do what!?!

Do you know how to make a girl really panic? No I mean really panic instantaneously. Say the following sentence to her "So, for this story I am interviewing you for, I am finding it really hard to get photographs to illustrate it given the subject matter, so you don't mind if I bring a photographer to take your picture, right." Right, great now if I hold in my stomach when you take the picture, make sure I am wearing black clothing and standing up at just the right angle that'll be great, really. I am being interviewed tomorrow for a story which is related to my job, and that sentence came out of the reporter's mouth on friday. Thus, yesterday involved a panicked trip to the mall to find something black and to buy some makeup so I don't look dead if they do in fact take my picture. One black suit later, and some lipstick I feel no less panicked but hey I needed the clothing anyway. I am only grateful that the story is not actually about me losing weight, but I still am not that thrilled by the idea of photos of me in a magazine. Then again, I could still weigh 250 lbs and that would be much much worse. I will report back on Tuesday since tomorrow is a holiday.

Blogging call on account of Tropical Storm

I was gone yesterday because my office was closed. A typhoon was passing through the area and we were placed on "Condition of Readiness 1" which basically means that all government offices and schools are closed due to storm conditions. We just got a lot of rain and wind gusts up to 50 mph, not really a big deal out here where everything is built to withstand much heavier storm conditions. So, to say the least, people out here understand what is going on in New Orleans and our hearts go out to them. There was a supertyphoon a few years back that caused major damage and power outages for as long as a month. Really there is nothing I can say in the face of the devastation in New Orleans that doesn't sound trite, so I am not going to attempt it here. So, I spent yesterday indoors at home, listening to the radio, cleaning up, prepping for trial, and lifting weights. I did work out in the early morning before I realized that my office was closed. The gym was packed with people working out, all the crazy people who tropical storm or not were going to get a workout in before going home to put up typhoon shutters. Priorities are important things in this world. This morning I did my usual workout at the gym, much running at 5.8 mph and the eliptical machine. I am back down to 157 as of this morning, I have no idea if that is accurate or not.

Sleep deprived ramblings

Last night I woke up at 1 am freezing and could not get back to sleep. Eventually I figured out that I was sweating from being hot and that was combining with the slightly cool air from my air conditioner to make me really cold. I turned up the air and went back to sleep. Sleep deprivation is not a pretty thing in the morning, but it is really much worse when you get to the afternoon and need a nap. I'm exhausted and rather cranky today as a result. I did manage to run entirely at 5.8 mph this morning which was a plus. I am also back down to 158 as of this morning despite some more snacking yesterday, I really need to work on that, but it may not be today especially since I forgot an afternoon snack. I am concerned that I am apparently going to trial on Friday and I once again have no suits to wear because mine are too big. Suits are expensive and I simply can't afford to buy any right now, not to mention it is not cost effective because I will just end up replacing them as I lose weight, or at least that is my theory. I am going to swing by Ross tonight and see if I can find anything for really cheap to tide me over for a few weeks. Anyway, have to get back to work now.

A work in progress

I feel myself slipping a little bit recently on my eating plan. I think it is largely due to stress in recent weeks and a general lack of focus. I have always been a stress eater, I know this, I consider it to be a major step forward that I can actually identify when I am eating due to stress. I also eat when I am bored which explains this weekend. Mostly, it has been an extra popsicle or some chips, nothing major. Anyway, I am working on just drinking my water and eating my packed snacks, an energy bar in the morning, an apple in the afternoon. I bounced up to 159 this morning, I am not worrying about it, especially since I am hitting the time on the month when I always retain extra water weight. I am focusing more on what I am doing right, and watching what I put into my mouth. I ran this morning for 30 minutes, 15 minutes at 5.7 mph and fifteen minutes at 5.8 mph. Every week for about the past month I have raised the speed I am running at by .1 mph, it does not sound like much, but I have gone from running at 5.2 mph in July to running at 5.8 mph now. I am aiming for 6.0 mph which will mean that I am running a 10 minute mile again for the first time in a long time. This from a girl who has never really been a runner before. I have cranked up the resistence on my eliptical machine, I am begining to develop leg and arm muscles, all of these are huge gains. More than anything, I am taking better care of myself than I have in a long time. I slacked off on taking my multivitamin and my calcium pills every day but I am now taking them again. This probably sounds odd, but I have finally thrown away all my out of date makeup and I went and bought myself new facial cleansers. This is also a step forward since I need to take better care of my skin, especially given the amount that I sweat everyday (in and out of the gym, I do live in a really tropical environment). All of these are baby steps in the right direction and I am going to focus on that for awhile, rather than just worrying about occasional slip-ups.

The Pasta Problem

I did run this morning, so that means for the past two weeks I have managed to run five days each week. This was accomplished by simply stepping on the treadmill each morning and warming up for five minutes and then running. Apparently that is all it takes to make me run in the morning. Last night, after an incredibly long afternoon at work with meetings that went from 1:30 pm until 5:00 pm straight, I went to the store to buy soy milk. People, I share a lesson with you from the front of the diet wars, don't go to the store when you are really tired and hungry. One of two things will happen, you will buy food items you do not need or you will take a really long time to make up your mind. In my case, I was craving pasta (a long time comfort food) so I spent THIRTY. MINUTES. in the pasta aisle comparing the different types of whole wheat and regular semolina pasta. Then I bought the first package of whole wheat pasta that I had picked up when I walked into the aisle. Oh, and I bought two apples. Then I went home, lifted weights, and had pasta with chicken, garlic, and warmed up salad dressing (which is a pepper based salad dressing and tastes better warm, just trust me on that, okay). I am hovering at 157.5 today, I still think 158 is more accurate for the week but I am not complaining either way. I am just glad that the week is over and tomorrow is saturday. Although, tomorrow I may go to a work related outreach program.

Update

So, you may note that I have updated my profile slightly, and changed the links. I hate updating this site, I am not good with technology in anyway. I mean, I am a lawyer and I am sure there is a language somewhere in which that translates to "very bad with anything electronic". However, it seemed like time to post more accurate stats, and make my links be blogs which not only exist but which I read on a daily basis. So, there you go, updated bloggity goodness. I have no doubt you will notice that this means that I am finally admitting that I want to lose more than half of my original body weight. I am forced to admit that may end up being excessive eventually but to be honest, given my small frame and lack of height ( I am only 5' 2" tall), I have always figured that 110-115 lbs is what I should probably weigh. We will see what I think when I get closer to that weight. If it seems like I will end up being unhealthly skinny I will happily switch to maintainance before I hit that weight. So, that is where I am currently in my thinking. Oh, and don't expect me to change any other format things for awhile, it always makes my head hurt.

The problem with Thursdays

I have always rather disliked thursdays, they are the most tiring day of the week. It is not friday which is the end of the week and any energy which I had on monday or tuesday has evaporated on wednesday. I just drag through thursday, especially workouts, generally reminding myself that I only have to get up early one more day and then it is the weekend. Of course, I am terribly old now because sleeping in means that I sleep until 6 or 7 am rather than 4:30 am. Last weekend I knew that I was really exhausted because I slept until 8 am. My weight has been bouncing up and down a bit, yesterday it was 157, today 158. I think 158 is more accurate. I don't really care, it is below 160 again and that makes me happy. Also, I am wearing my size 10 petite pants and they are no longer cutting off my circulation. Okay, so it is going to take a couple more pounds before they really fit perfectly but I can live with that fact. Also, if I run tomorrow I will have managed to run for five days in a row for each of the past two weeks. I am running at 5.7 mph and next week I am going to start running at 5.8 mph. I can see that my fitness level is increasing the more that I run, I do have one concern which is the fact that my knee and ankle was twinging slightly last night. I have horribly bad ankles so I always worry about them. I felt okay this morning though and I will see how I feel tomorrow and take it easy if necessary.

And now for something controversial

I figure this post is the one which will get me nasty comments/flamed in a hurry. No doubt, this is why I avoid this particular topic like the plague. That topic would be weight loss surgery (WLS), which has definately become a hot button topic over the last couple of years. I have been asked if I had WLS, more annoyingly my friends have been asked behind my back if I have had it, usually with the implicit assumption that there is no way I could have lost the weight without surgery. I worry that is becoming almost a commonplace belief, that the only way to successful lose weight is to have WLS. I realize more and more that I personally have immense amounts invested in the fact that I did this (at least to this point) almost entirely on my own, no nutrionist, no personal trainer, prepackaged meals only very briefly at the begining. The closest thing I had to outside assistance was an initial weight program set up by my brother (which I am seriously considering going back to by the way). I have probably made loads of mistakes due to my insistance on doing this my way and only my way. How you ask does this relate to WLS? Well, frankly I worry about it on some level that I can't really explain. I worry about losing that much weight so quickly and what it could potentially do to your body, I can't imagine living (even just initially on so few calories). Mostly though, I worry that by losing weight so quickly you don't really learn how to live the rest of your life in a sensible manner in terms of food, that we address the physical issues and not the real struggle which is largely mental (at least it has been for me). I personally have need a long time to learn how to manage that aspect of losing weight and I still work on it as an issue. In all honesty, I was probably a candidate for WLS at my highest weight, or at least closing in on being a candidate. I had shortness of breath, trouble sleeping sometimes, and I was eating major amounts of unhealthy food in single sittings. I seriously considered lap band surgery for about a year. Obviously, I never did any of those things, probably due to sheer stubborness on my part. Also, I have had plastic surgery once and so far once is enough. I am glad I never had surgery, but I try really hard to not judge people who have had surgery. Maybe I am wrong to worry about all of this in the first place, certainly it is not really my personal issue anymore, but I think about it sometimes in the morning when I am on the way to the gym. I wonder if I sound like one of those weight-loss fanatics who thinks there is only one right way, I would hate to think I sound like that and I don't believe that, but I still worry about the prevalence of WLS. Then again, I worry about lots of things on a daily basis, it is part of my personality. So, tell me I am wrong, right, or just plain crazy, but I think we will all have to live with the fact that I probably will still worry.

Walking through the Past

I have no idea where I came up with the above title, but then I am running out of titles. I was looking at my archives from August 2004 and looking at the differences. I weighed about 166 pounds, I was running for about 50 minutes a day at around 5.0 mph and walking for 60 minutes. I was eating about the same amount of food. Now, I am about 158 pounds, down around 8 pounds from a year ago, I am only running for 30 minutes but I am running at 5.7 mph which is faster. I was a size 12 a year ago, right now I am hovering between a size 12 and a size 10, closer to a petite size 12 really. I was whining about having fat rolls, I am still whining about fat rolls only not as loudly. Overall, I am probably slightly more fit than I was a year ago, I have noticed that when I went back to the gym in the early part of this year I was able to do much harder cardio much more quickly than in the past when I have taken breaks from the gym. I had been working out in the interim but not really very hard. Mostly though, I notice that many of the themes of a year ago are the same today. For example, I still have an ever present desire to tell sales associates that I am really buying clothing for myself and it fits, no really it does, although I do not think they would actually doubt me on that score. In fact, on the theory that confession is good for the soul, I should note that going into high end stores that only sell a few items of clothing completely freaks me out. There is a BCBG store near where I live and I scuttle in there now and again and then scuttle out again just as quickly convinced that nothing will fit. You have a mental image of me as a small squat crab now right? Okay, maybe that is just me. I am more used to me at this weight now than I was a year ago, more used to my face, and still puzzled at the speed at which I have forgotten what it was like to be really heavy. Little things seem normal now that did not before, regular sized towels can be wrapped completely around my body, the bath water in the tub totally covers me, I shop in regular stores, and no one ever stares at the amount of food I am eating at any given meal. Little things but sometimes you have to take a walk through the past to see them.

When habit falls short

I am definately a creature of habit, every morning after I work out I go to the local gas station and get a huge cup of coffee. Then I drive the two minutes to work, go to my desk, drink a huge bottle of water along with my coffee and have half a Kashi breakfast bar. By nine a.m. I have usually walked over to court which is about 4 blocks away and I don't usually get back to my desk until lunch time. Lunch is always salad which I make the night before along with another bottle of water and at some point in the day I manage to drink two additional bottles of water. I think you can now see the problem with this schedule, I don't have an afternoon snack in there anywhere. I thinking I am consistently ending up low on calories as a result, which is not my intent. Today, I was going to bring an apple to work and have it along with some of the office supply of peanut butter (my office always has peanut butter and jelly floating around, don't ask me why) but I forgot to grab it before I left for the gym. I can usually rely on another co-worker to make popcorn but a lot of days recently I have ended up going home starving and then oddly becoming less hungry on the commute home and eating a small dinner. The simple solution is to stick an extra piece of fruit in my lunch bag, or buy something that I can keep at work such as popcorn. I just need to work on getting in the habit of doing that, after all once I get into a certain pattern it should be easy to manage in the long run.

Random musings on breasts and other things my mother wishes I wouldn't talk about on the internet

One of these days I am going to have enough time in the morning to write a really insightful post, it will not be today. This morning I managed three quarters of my run at 5.7 mph and the rest of it at 5.6 mph. Then I spent 35 minutes on the eliptical machine. This morning I weighed in at 158 and yesterday I was 159 and trust me I ate plenty of food on Saturday and Sunday so I guess I am officially into the 150's. Oh, and I discovered a really interesting thing this weekend while I was at K-mart. I have been wearing totally the wrong bra size. I have been wearing a 38C, (my parents will be so thrilled this information is on the world wide web) when actually I am a 38B. I will just say that the right sized bra makes an enormous difference when it comes to wearing clothing. I was invested in being a C cup because I had a breast reduction when I was really heavy and that was the size I ended up as after surgery, apparently losing 84 pounds will actually change that measurement. Oh, and I also had to buy smaller underwear, there is a definate benefit when you wear trousers everyday to not wearing underwear which hangs off your rear. I forgot how quickly losing weight becomes expensive because you are having to replace clothing items all the time.

Work again

I'm at work again today, and yes it is Saturday. I simply cannot get organized durring the week so I came in today to clean off my desk, figure out which cases need motions answered, and go through my mailbox. I worked until 7:00 last night and only spent two hours actually in my office so that gives you an idea about how hectic it is right now. On the plus side, I weighed in at 158.5 this morning, then again yesterday I barely stopped for lunch and I had a smoothie for dinner. I did run yesterday morning and it was a breeze and felt really good. Today is my day off and I swear that tomorrow morning I am going to go to Kmart and buy heavier weights because the ten pound weights are not causing any muscle fatigue at all when I lift. My plan for the rest of the day is to go to the grocery store on the way home and do all my shopping for the week and then I will probably stop at subway and get a sandwich for lunch. Then I am going to go home and clean up the apartment which is almost as big of a mess as my desk was because of the amount of stress I have been under this week. Then I am going to rest because I expect this coming week to be just as bad as this last week.

It all sounds the same

I read a lot of weight loss blogs, or more precisely I lurk on a lot of weight loss blogs. I am horrible at commenting, but I read a lot. More and more, the longer I do this in fact, I begin to notice themes. There are very similar struggles going on all over the place, problems getting up in the morning to work out, eating too much, eating too little, working out too hard, losing motivation completely, becoming suddenly remotivated, thinking one should be motivated but not being able to manage motivation, and so on and so forth. I especially notice posts about having to stop hiding behind the weight, about the struggle to figure out who you are or would be without the extra weight. I was always a shy kid and despite finding great joy in being a performer I still struggle with shyness. I hate the telephone, I'm not big on huge social gatherings and I am not much of a partier. My whole life I was overweight, and it was an easy way to hide from the scary parts of the world. The hardest thing about losing weight, and I've said this before, are the games you have to play with your own mind. The fact people notice me now is startling and at times overwhelming, I am no longer invisible in the way that I was at 242lbs. I'll give you an example, I have an important court hearing today so I am really dressed up, white skirt suit, red three inch heels, red shirt. It is a visually striking outfit to say the least. I did not really think about that when I picked it last night, it was the only suit left in my closet. This morning at the gym, all of the women in the locker room commented on it and complimented me. It freaked me out, because even now I don't expect people to notice me or what I wear on a daily basis. This is funny given the fact I have a relatively high profile job as one of only a few prosecutors on a small island. It still caught me off guard and I have been thinking about why that is for the past hour. I never expected to be noticed because I did not think I was worthy of the notice. The only things I really liked were my hands, my eyes, and my hair, all things unaffected by my weight. Now, I am proud of my body, it is not perfect, but I earned it. My calves are becoming toned and muscular from running, I have great collar bones that showed up at about 200 lbs and are even more prominent now, and I have really good shoulders. That is what I personally see now and I project it to the people around me. People notice confidence and they respond to it and that is startling and even unerving to those of us who may never have had that kind of attention before. I am slowly learning to accept the praise and feel overwhelmed. The longer I do this, the more I focus on the greatest gift the weight loss has given me, I look like my brother, mother, and father more and more every day. The family features which were somewhat obscured by layers of fat have emerged and you can see our connection to each other.

The mind-body connection

Somedays the mind is willing and the body is not, somedays the body is willing and the mind is not, somedays neither are willing. Today fell firmly into the third category. I'm exhausted, work is incredibly stressful, and I am not getting enough sleep. I ran anyway for 30 minutes and then did my 30 minutes on the eliptical. I've learned that as long as I just step onto the right machine, i.e. the treadmill, I will actually run. This is the way I look at it, you can do anything for an hour a day so I might as well workout hard regardless. The Navy Seals have this saying posted at their base in San Diego, "The only easy day was yesterday" and that has become my exercise philosphy. I don't have to like or even love it, I just have to get it done every single day. Admittedly, after I started running today, I had a pretty decent jog and I felt much better. I have run approximately 12 miles this week and if I run tomorrow I will have run around 15 miles for the week. Plus, I will have completely shattered my "I only have it in me to run three days every week." Now, I am going to do real work.