Monday, October 31, 2005

Feeling better

I feel better today, not great but better than yesterday. Well, if you discount the pounding headache I awoke to this morning which required instant consumption of pain medication. Still, better than yesterday where I never even ate lunch because I felt horrible and just tried to avoid the temptation to curl up under my desk and sleep. Needless to say, while I have worked out this week, I have not made any really gains on increasing my speed or difficulty levels. I am just going for status quo this week on my exercising, still running at 6.5 mph and doing a mix of level 7 and 13 resistence on the eliptical machine. This week going to the gym has been the goal since I am coughing and constantly battling sinus congestion and headaches. I also know I am begining to feel better because I have accomplished more in two hours this morning than I have in a week and a half. I think that is because I have been coming down with this cold and flu thing for awhile and just been trying to ignore it. Also, I am feeling motivated because tomorrow is a holiday and that means a whole day to relax and be lazy. So, if I can just get through today and my early workout tomorrow morning (which I am still planning on doing) then I can rest for the rest of the day which will be great.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Sick Girl Running

The last two days I have been slammed by a really bad cold. The kind of cold where I actually take cold medication and go to bed for 4 hour naps as a result. This is unusual because I do not take medication on a normal basis, maybe the occasional tylenol or aleve for pain. However, even with this cold I have been working out. I have read a lot of literature which says it is okay to work out when you are not feeling well and that it will not impede your recovery time. So, yesterday I lifted weights and today I did my normal routine at the gym. The only difference today was that I had to do all my breathing through my mouth because of my stuffed-up head, and I felt really warm while I was running. I think it is probably the combination of being slightly too warm because I am sick and the natural heat generated by running. I actually feel better now that I have worked out, although I am very tired today because I was not able to sleep well last night. On the plus side, I know if I can get through today and tomorrow I will be okay because wednesday is a holiday and I can sleep (although I will still go to the gym at my regular time). So, I am off to start the day and hopefully not inflict my cold on any of my co-workers.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Working on the weekend

Today is my work weekend, basically I have to go to work and charge everyone who comitted crimes last night. I like working on weekends, it tends to be very mellow and is usually only a few hours of work. I came into the office at about 9:30 am and should be headed home by about 3 pm at the latest. I usually stop at the grocery store on the way home and pick up sushi or something similar for a late lunch. Since today is my day off from anything workout related, I am usually a little more relaxed about food as well (which may seem odd). I treat Saturday as a rest day in all senses of the word, which helps me mentally prepare for the coming week. Wednesday of this week is a holiday and I may take this coming Friday off as comp time for working on the weekend. Anyway, as you can tell, I am just sort of rambling about things today because it is the weekend and my brain has shut down until Monday. I have to go finish off one more report and then go to court.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Running Dreams

Last night I had a dream about running. It was a long fast run which was really, really fun. So, it is perhaps an indication of the universe's sense of humor that my actual run this morning was really horrible and filled with side cramps and other problems. In fact my whole workout was bad, so I only did cardio and skipped weightlifting. I am hopeful that this was just a particularly bad day and Monday will be better. I am off to court, but I will try and make a longer entry later.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Under the weather

I am begining to get a sore throat, this is generally a very good indication that I am going to get a cold. I cannot afford to have a cold right now, frankly my office cannot afford for me to be sick either. On the plus side, running was easy this morning, all at 6.5 mph. My gym put on pretty decent music this morning and I think that may have helped me run, but I also know it is because I am increasing my fitness level everyday. However, that is not preventing the onset of this cold and sore throat which added to the stomach cramps I am having today is making it difficult to concentrate. I have to work this weekend which means I will not get much of a rest if I do become sick. I think if I was getting a little more sleep every night that would help, especially since I have been running on about 6 hours every night this week. I have always needed about nine hour of sleep to be really functional and alert during the day. Obviously that is not happening this week. I have been compensating by drinking entirely too much coffee and not enough water, which is bad. Anyway, one more workout day and it will be the weekend which is a good thing.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

End of the day

It is the end of yet another very long day. Tomorrow will probably be long as well, as all my days have been recently. This morning my body was really tired which made working out a chore, I still managed about an hour (cardio and weight machines). Tonight will be free weights, and yes I did play catch up yesterday and I am now back on track with my weight lifting at home. I would really like to have a week at work where everything seems manageably, but it will not be this week. Tomorrow I have to write and file a motion by around noon and that will be rather traumatic. I am trying to calender all my upcoming problems and projects so that they will get finished on time. I am usually a better organized individual than this and that is contributing to my stress level. Anyway, I am going to head home now so I can be back tomorrow morning by 7:15 am.

Monday, October 24, 2005


Last night, I was at work until 8 pm. This means I did not lift weights when I got home, however I had lifted weights yesterday morning. I also ate dinner at about 8:30 last night and it was not exactly a small meal (pasta with tomato sauce and chicken). This is all by way of saying that when I hopped on the scale this morning at 4:30 am, I weighed in at 154 lbs again. Apparently over the last couple of weeks I was retaining about 4 lbs of water or something. Needless to say, I feel rather vindicated as a result of this discovery. I will probably make up my weight workout tonight after work and then I will be right back on track. I am feeling rather swish today, I am wearing my 20 dollar Ross Chinese jacket (size 10), a boring black shirt, a pair of gray slacks (size 10 Petite), and a pair of bright red shoes. I find it is a lot easier to look pulled together for not very much money at this weight. You can always find a size 10 on the rack but not a size 18. Probably because more people need a size 18, and if there is something attractive in a size 18 it disappears immediately. So, today I look snazzy thanks to the workouts.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Monday Morning

This morning involved large amounts of cardio and weight machines. I was saddened to learn that running at 6.5 mph (only for 15 minutes) was only a 9.13 mile, not a 9 minute mile. Then again, I can run much faster than ever before, and trust me, my family is not exactly known for being fast on our feet. I am pleased with my cardio improvement over the last few months and the fact that I am now easily fitting into size 10 clothing. It also occurs to me that now I am used to getting up at 4:30 am to work out, so much so that it doesn't even occur to me not to get out of bed and go to the gym. I like the gym in the early morning, it is filled with the same people every day and the staff remembers who you are and always says hi. Not to mention the fact that I never have much of a problem getting the cardio or weight machines that I want to use. I am definately a gym rat now, strange but true.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Clothing Problems

I may not be losing weight but I need new clothing in the worst possibly way. Now, I don't need any pants, but I do need shirts for work. I am waiting until I go home in November to buy anything since there is not that much shopping on island. I may however have to go and buy a new shirt or two. Basically all my shirts are so loose now that they make me look more overweight than normal. Today I am actually wearing one of my collared shirts over a tanktop because I actually look skinnier that just wearing the shirt on its own. I am really hoping that the fact I am back up to 157 is just an indication that I am retaining water or something similar. Since I am slowly transitioning size 12's out of my wardrobe, I do think there is a chance of that being true. I also have to believe that the fact I am working out for about 2 hours every single day during the week will make a difference. This morning was about 90 minutes of cardio and then thirty minutes of weight lifting with the machines and some situps. I have now had four cups of coffee and a Luna bar, I really need to cut back on the coffee but I am freezing and it is the only warm beverage in the office. I am going to run by the store at lunch and maybe find something else warm to drink.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Brief check-in

The last two days have been very hectic, and not such good food days. Yesterday, I unexpectedly ended up on the nightly news in a press conference with my boss. I have no desire to be on television, so that was rather interesting and not terribly fun. I am still working out like a little maniac, maybe even a little bit too much since I am approaching the point where you feel on the borderline of being mildly ill. I attempt to avoid that feeling but it has shown up this week a couple of times and then gone away before I had actually had time to make up my mind to stop or even slow down. I am now adding in weight machine workouts at the gym to supplement the weight training I do at home. I know I am pushing my self a lot in terms of exercise right now, but then I was always an addictive personality and pretty driven in certain aspects of my life. It tends to manifest itself when I am under a lot of pressure. I would write more, but I have to get back to work now since I am truly swamped right now.

Monday, October 17, 2005

The Sensible Option

How I can do an hour and thirty minutes of cardio every day, not eat excessively, and not lose any weight, I do not know. I seem to be managing that feat easily right now, but I am trying not to be frustrated and whine about it. I am running out of things to change in my eating and diet habit to make myself lose weight, so I am going with the other more sensible option. I am not changing anything, I am going to continue to eat sensibly and workout and we will see what happens over the next month. There is a level of sanity in that concept which generally is at odds with my disposition and personality. I have another really long court day ahead of me, this week is very busy because every single judge is here right now. The only good news is that it prevents me from snacking on extra food. I am hoping that the rest of the week will be more manageable but I am not holding my breath. Oh, and in a random thought, thank god for the Food Network. I love cooking shows and I saw one which included roasting asparagus so I tried it. Quick, easy and really tasty. I just put the asparagus in the oven at 350 degrees for about 15 minutes after sprinkling some olive oil and salt on top of it. I have enough asparagus for three meals, and I am all about precooking and preplanning so this is great. I highly recommend it as a fast veggie for dinner.

Sunday, October 16, 2005


Today was a very long Monday. I estimate that I spent about 7 hours in court today. Enough said. I did however have a pretty decent workout session this morning. The thing I like about working out in the morning is that even if you start out feeling out of sorts, you end up feeling energetic. At least I do, I always feel more awake and sane after I have worked out. Now at the end of the day I am exhausted and I have a headache and I would kill for the just done working out feeling. I am going to go home and lift some weights to see if that makes me feel any better. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better workday.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Weekend Office Duty

So, I am in the office today because I thought I was going to get work done. Not sure that is actually going to happen because all of my favorite co-workers are here and that tends to lessen the amount of work. I always treat myself to some kind of food that I want since it is my free day. Today, my food of choice was a large latte with cinnamon in it. This does not exactly count as a large food splurge but I may be going out tonight. Besides, I don't really crave a lot of foods in the same way that I used to crave them, I love bread but that is about it. I could probably eat a loaf of bread a day if I let myself but that is not an option in my diet. Of course, I am again retaining water or something because I suddenly really bounced back up on the scale but I am getting used to the pattern now and I was expecting it. I will probably drop a little after the weekend because I tend to eat less than during the week. So, I am now going to try and get a little work done and then I am off home to clean up and organize my life.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Themes revisited

I love Fridays, especially the part where I do not have to work out tomorrow. I had less twinging this morning, but my legs felt pretty leaden while I was running along. Add in an early morning headache and it was a fun gym day all around. I have a relatively full court day today which includes a lot of motion arguments which are not really very fun. It is the day to day stresses of this job which would make me insane if I did not workout. On another note, in doing my daily blog readings I have noticed a standard theme cropping up again. It is the idea of passing for thin, and feeling like you are faking it. I get this all the time, where people tell me that I can eat more because I am skinny or wear things because I am thin. I know differently, or think that I do because I know where I have been and how hard it is to stay where I am right now. Yesterday, a rather stunned co-worker found out how much weight I had lost and said "Oh, so you had gastric bypass surgery", um no. I just went to the gym and changed my eating habits. However, I could see that her genuine surprise was based on the fact that she has never seen me at any weight other than my current one. If all you see is this person, you can't really imagine the former person ever existed. I always feel like I am admiting some deep dark secret (which it isn't) based upon the reactions. I may never get used to the reactions and some days it wears me down.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Aches and Pains

So, I have been noticing that my knees are hurting this week, and today my left shin is hurting. I have been taking it a little bit easy to compensate for the twinges. I am not sure whether the twinging is from running or possibly from the fact that I did lunges and squats yesterday. Possibly a combination of both sets of exercises. Fortunately, tomorrow is my last cardio session for the week and then I have an entire day off from any sort of intentional exercise. This week I definately need that recovery time for my body. Partially I suspect that my body is just reacting to the additional 15 minutes of exercise which I am adding in to my routine and I will adjust overtime. I don't worry that much because I am relatively young and recover fast, but maybe I should pay closer attention. My concession is to run a little slower this week and rest up on the weekend, for now we will see how that works out.

Losing the Stomach

Today has been remarkably hectic and it is only midday. There is no way of determining when craziness will break loose and that is always a problem. Add to that an okay but not great workout and it is not the best day ever. On the plus side, one of my judges noticed that I am losing weight, which suggests that people see things I have been missing because of my focus on the number on the scale. Yes, I am working on seeing the positives, just hard as always. Oddly, people are now telling me that I have lost too much weight but I know I still have some more to go. I am not going for stick thin by any means, but I am just trying to lose the stomach, or as much of it as I can without surgery.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The 1.5 Month

This is the third time I am trying to write this post, my computer hates me almost as much as my scale does right now. I discovered last night that I have only lost 1.5 lbs in the past month. That works out to under .5 lbs per week which explains why I have been feeling frustrated and stagnant. I am therefore setting very small goals for the next month. I would like to weigh 152 or 150 pounds by the time I go home in November. That is either 4 lbs lost (1 lb per week) or 2 pounds lost (.5 lbs per week). I will be happy about either number. 152 will mean that I have lost 90 lbs from my highest recorded weight of 242 lbs which is when I stopped weighing myself because it was too depressing. 150 was the weight that I claimed I was during my freshman year in highschool, frankly I probably weighed more and was lying about that at the time. Since my body is currently laughing in my general direction, all of this may or may not happen, who knows for sure. I knew my weight loss would slow down over the last 20 or 30 lbs but this much slowdown is admittedly frustrating to me. Still, even .5 lbs every week is progress and I am going to go with that for now and see what happens over the next month.

Monday, October 10, 2005

The Better Part of Valor

I have not been feeling 100 percent for the past couple of days. So, this morning I ran at 6.3 mph rather than 6.4 mph. My body still felt off, but it became clear the minute I started running that 6.4 mph was just not going to happen today. I added on a 10 minute brisk walk on the treadmill at the end of my run with some mild hills and a five minute cooldown. That translated to approximately 85 extra calories burned. Plus, I was still at work by 7:15 am so it is not like it cut into my working time by very much. I still did not really put very much effort into my workout today because of how I feel. However, I go on the theory that it is okay to have really hard days and really slack days along the way. The most important part is that I get to the gym everyday and do something good for my body. I work in a really sedentary profession and I spend a lot of time in front of a computer screen not moving so I need to get in concious movement elsewhere in my day. So, I worry about working out, but not how hard I work out. In the end, if I work out really well when I am not feeling good, all I will accomplish is making myself sick and then not being able to workout at all for awhile and that would be bad in my world. Then again, I just did an hour and thirty minutes of cardio, so my version of not working out is really skewed as compared to normal sane people. Today was an easy day though, I swear, and if I don't feel better tomorrow I will take it easy then too.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

154 lbs

This weekend, after I decided to stop whining so much, I finally hit 154 lbs. That probably means something and I should think about it seriously. I won't, but I probably should think about it. I know logically when I relax and do not fuss about things, they tend to happen more easily. However, that is not my nature, I am a worrier, and on some level very much a Type A personality. Most of the time it works to my favor, some of the time I become so wrapped up in minutia that I can't see the larger picture around me. So, I see that I am 155 lbs and only losing tiny amounts if at all, and I forget the 87 lbs that I have lost over the last two years. I see the extra bit of rice I ate at lunch, and miss the fact I haven't had a candy bar in over a year. I have to learn how to stop beating myself up about the small things, without losing my grip on the big things. I have to learn how to balance my life. As I say so often here, I am not there yet, but I am trying everyday to find the balance. This morning I upped the second half of my run to 6.4 mph, according to the treadmill that is a 9:22 mile pace. All I can tell you is that it was very tiring which was probably a good thing, add that to the eliptical and I was exhausted at the end. I had to run an early morning errand today, but tomorrow I am going to add on 15 minutes at the gym and then next week go up to an extra 30 minutes everyday. Maybe it will make a huge difference, maybe it will not, we shall see what happens over the next few weeks.

Thursday, October 06, 2005


I did something today that I have not done in a long time. I asked for time off. If you put it in perspective, I have not taken a day off in the last year. I sense burnout approaching so I am asking for vacation time to get my brain back together. I have indicated that I have been exhausted for the last few weeks, actually also for the last few months. So, hopefully, a week off in December and a week off in November. In other news, I finished off my cardio for the week this morning, the rest days are going to be really nice. One of my co-wokers is planning on starting early morning workouts in about two weeks so I am probably going to start working out from 5:15 am to 7:45 am on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. She is going to come to the gym at about 7 am on those days, so I am going to stay later on those days and workout at the same time. I have not actually figured out what I will do in the extra time, probably some more cardio and also I will use the machines to get in more of a weight workout. I am thinking that on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I will probably stay at the gym until about 7:30 or so, depending on my workload. I don't actually have to be at the office until 8 am and hopefully this will help me break through my eternal plateau of 155.5-156 lbs. Yes, I am still stuck there right now. I know this probably sounds excessive, but I used to workout every day except Sunday for two hours at a time. So, I know I can do this and be physically and mentally okay doing it. Actually, I am usually better off when I workout that much. So, I am going back to that system again.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

More Ramblings

I have discovered that I weigh less at the end of the day than I do at the begining, which is frankly just slightly odd. Also, this is a sign I weigh myself far too many times a day and I am working on that problem. Anyway, I lifted weights last night and did squats and lunges which made me a bit sore this morning. That contributed to a pretty crappy run this morning but I still ran for 30 minutes at my usual pace of 6.3 mph. I really don't know how much faster I want to run, I do want to start running at 6.5 mph but I don't really see any need to go quicker than that in the long run. I am just trying to avoid utter workout boredom but the great benefit of working out in the early morning is that I am not awake enough to realize that I am bored or to really focus on the fact I am forcing myself to workout. This is probably why my weight workouts in the evening are much worse mentally for me, I am awake and aware of what I am doing and that I do not want to be doing it. All of this probably means that I will always be a morning workout person even though I do not like getting up early in the morning. I am in a pretty good mood today, just tired. However, I have realized recently that I am not physically tired most days, just emotionally exhausted due to work stress. I sense the early onset of burnout from overwork, but I swear I am going to go on vacation soon and that will make it better.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

The big picture

I feel like I have spent an inordinate amount of time recently bitching about the whole weight loss thing. I have whined about not losing weight, about my general apathy toward the whole process, about my gym, and about my eating habits in general. I don't live my life whining about these things, so I don't really want to spend all my blogging time ranting about them. Have I lost weight recently, no, but I have accomplished some huge things which were equally important to me and which I have not talked about as much. I am fitting into all of my size 10 clothing, not perfectly but they are fitting and they are all 10 petites which are cut smaller than regular size 10's. I am running a little over three miles a day, really running not just waddling along. I am running a mile in approximately 9 minutes and 30 seconds and I have never been able to do that before in my entire life. I am lifting 15 pound weights, doing 60 sit-ups four days a week, plus 60 lunges and 60 squats twice a week. I pretty much bounce off walls on a daily basis because I have so much energy to burn durring the day. Not to mention the fact that I am finally getting organized at work and also good at what I do professionally which is a huge accomplishment. So, life overall is good and I should acknowledge that more often here and be gratefully for where I am and what I am doing on a daily basis. Introspection only accomplishes so much and I have been looking at the little details for so long that I forget the big picture and I should remember it.

Monday, October 03, 2005

The Brick Wall

Every month or so, my gym decides to engage in a really interesting torture test. They turn off the hot water to the showers. It usually only lasts one day, maybe two, but let me tell you that a freezing cold shower at 6:30 am is not any fun at all. This is especially true when you are really hot from having worked out for 75 minutes straight, however I am now very awake as a result of that shower. I am back down to 155.5 lbs as of this morning so last week's stumble does not seem to have really caused any lasting damage. I suppose it was the universe smacking me around for getting a little bit cocky about my weight loss. I would like this to be easy, I would like to not worry about what I put in my mouth every day, but that is not how it works for me and that has never been how it works for me. My brother had this metaphor about life at one point which I stole from him and now use a lot. Imagine a brick wall in your direct path with no visible door or way around it, there are people who will come up to that wall and leap effortlessly over it, there are people who will come up to the wall and decide that it is just too much effort to get around it and instead take a nap in front of it or set up camp permanently in that location, finally there are people who will come to the wall and bang their heads and bodies into it until they finally make a hole big enough to climb through and continue on their way. The wall is the obstacles we face in life, and frankly both my brother and I have spent much of our lives banging our heads into the wall until we break through it. This is pretty much how losing weight has gone for me, baby steps all the way along the road. Some people can lose all the weight in a year, I expect that it will take me more than two years to lose all the weight I want to lose. I am tired of it, but I keep going because I have a goal of where I want to be and I intend to get there someday (plus frankly my eating and exercise habits won't change that much when I hit my goal). I just want to be done with the losing weight part of the journey but I have a feeling that I have a lot more head banging to do before that day arrives.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Landing flat on my Face

So, let me recap the end of last week for you, it can be summed up as follows, "Kat falls face first into a pile of food." Thursday and Friday were extremely bad food days and frankly the week which proceeded it was not very good either. The weekend was totally on plan but very low overall in calories. Thus, the fact I have ended up at the begining of the week at 156.5 is a truly amazing miracle and can probably be attributed to the fact that I am running for 30 minutes five days a week at 6.2 mph and adding another 30 minutes on the eliptical machine. That and weights are probably the only things which stopped major weight gain this last week. My goal this week is to be back on plan fully with no deviations and no excessive snacking. I find that whenever I think that I have completely beaten back my food demons, I get smacked around a bit by my ability to eat everything in sight. Sigh, the issues never completely go away for me, I am just better able to manage them overall. On the plus side, this morning's run was really nice and almost easy until I raised the speed to 6.3 mph at the 15 minute mark. I am constantly amazed by how quickly my body adjusts to an increased speed and intensity level. Now, I am going to work on not sabotaging my workouts by eating lots and lots of extra food (especially processed food) and sticking to my salads and healthy proteins.