Sunday, October 31, 2004

You just have to do it

Have you ever noticed that it is the second day after doing something physically foolish when you really end up sore? I am definately sore today after this weekend of activity. Also tired because I had to get up early this morning to go to work again, at least tomorrow is a holiday. Although, I am pretty sure that tomorrow we are going to go on a six hour hike and then go to aikido because of the fact that it is a holiday and we have a free day off to explore the island. Anyway, I think I got asked how I keep going and doing all of this physical activity all the time. First of all, I don't really do as much as I probably should do, and second I just go and do it. That is it, no big secret, I just go and work out because it is what I do in my spare time. Sometimes, like this weekend it isn't even particularly fun to do, I am not a naturally athletic person and that makes it hard. I have to think about what I am doing, I go really slow and I get frustrated a lot. However, I keep going because it is what I do, what I have to do in my free time. There are no excuses when it comes to exercise, for example, you have to go to work right, so how is staying healthy any different in the long run. It just has to be what you do as often as possible or you won't get healthy. Anyway, that reminds me, I have to go to work now.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Well, that was fun

Happy Halloween! I get to say that because it is already Halloween here on my little tropical island. Yesterday, we went and did the Halloween Hash Run. Not fun in any way, mostly because we got lost in the dark with no flashlights and spent three hours on a 45 minute run. Well, okay the bit where I had to pull my self up three muddy hills and kept slipping down because I could not get foot holds or pull myself up also kind of sucked. Also, I didn't really eat very much yesterday so I got a lack of food and dehydration headache (even though I carry a camelback and was constantly sipping water from it). Then my friends and I went out to several Halloween parties and ran around in high heels until 4 in the morning. I am rather tired and somewhat sore today as a result. In about an hour we go off to play ultimate frisbee in silly costumes, I think I will probably go as a pirate. Anyway, I have to go finish doing laundry and cleaning up before we leave for frisbee.

Friday, October 29, 2004

The non-suckage of life

I know I can be pretty vague about things sometimes in this blog. I don't really talk about where I live, who I live with, names of people, or what I do for a living. A lot of that is to protect the innocent (i.e. friends and family) who don't necessarily want their names spread across the internet because I keep an online diary. An equal part has to do with what I do for a living, it is a pretty public job sometimes and yet there are a lot of aspects of it which are confidential. That was probably a really confusing sentence, perhaps it is easier to just say this, I work as a prosecutor for a living, and because of what I do every day I am reminded of how much my life does not suck. Trust me, you see a lot working at my job that makes you really angry and sad on a pretty much constant basis. So, ask yourself these questions, do you have enough food to eat, do you live in a safe home environment, do you have people who love and adore you, do you have good friends and neighbors, do you have enough money to live on, and enough sense to know that money is not everything? Then you have a pretty good life, as I do, and maybe we should all be grateful for that today. Would I like to be a size two some days? Yes, absolutely, but size 2 people have lots of problems too. I have a multitude of other advantages and blessings in life and to not be grateful for those things would be a huge mistake. So yeah, I have a good life, a job I love, and good people around me and not only can't I ask for anything more, I am not foolish enough to ask for anything else. Oh, and can you tell it is already a long day at work and it is only 10:30 am?

Thursday, October 28, 2004


In case you are wondering, I should be doing actual work right now. I am actually working on a paper for work which is currently about 8 pages long and in dire need of citations and editing. I am going to get back to that in a minute, really I promise that I am going to get a rough draft done today. However, I am taking a mental health break right now and typing in my blog. I may go running in the jungle tonight with my roommates, it sort of depends on how late we have to stay at work today and how much gets accomplished by 6:30 pm. I would like to go run around, but I am not sure that we will get out of work by then and we still need to work on our halloween costumes before Saturday. Anyway, yesterday I didn't eat enough food over the course of the day and I am trying to remedy that today by bringing leftovers for lunch. I find now that any given restaurant meal works out to at least two meals for me, I figure this is because the restaurant gives everyone too much food. My standard calculation is that the average restaurant meal is around 1,000 calories which may be horribly inaccurate but at least it keeps me honest and not eating too much. I am sort of mildly ill when I realize that I used to eat everything on my plate when I was eating out, no wonder I gained so much weight. Anyway, I can't justify not working any longer so I am going back to my paper now.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004


So, I was at my job today, a job which can require talking in front of quite a few strangers at times and I wondered how different I really am now and how much more confident. I struggle still, the old demons of not being good enough or smart enough to make people like me regardless of what I look like, rise up to the forefront. No matter that I ate a healthy lunch involving apples, nuts and yogurt, no matter that I work out and slowly weigh less and less, still I wonder about these sort of things. I think the reality is that you cannot escape from who you were as quickly as you would like, becoming different is a constant struggle. You can't become a new person overnight, I don't think you can even do it in ten months, or a year. Change is slow, and you have to give yourself time to be ready to change, and permission to have days where you fall flat on your face. As I was sitting there, I came to a realization and it was this, I am better now that I was and it isn't because I am skinnier. I am healthier emotionally, I am stronger physically, I am more confident, I am happier and wiser. Mostly though, I am learning what it means to be free, free of restrictions on who I can or will be, free from guilt about what and when I eat, free of shame, and mostly free of anger at myself for failing to control my food or weight. I am becoming free of all these things slowly but surely, I am not there yet, but I am closer every day and that is more than enough for today. After that realization I went back to work and for the first time in a long time I was totally relaxed.

The magical weightloss device

Apparently, the great benefit of going to aikido is that I magically lose weight overnight. After several days of bouncing around the upper 150's, I hit 155 dead on the nose this morning on my scale. Especially impressive because my roommate bought me lots of thai food last night for dinner and I totally scarfed it down after aikido. I felt some what out of it at class last night because I had a really long day at work and I was exhausted mentally. However, I showed up and that is ultimately the important thing. I remember reading somewhere at one point last January when I was just starting to work out that the really important thing is showing up and doing it. You don't have to be perfect every time, you don't have to work out insanely hard every time, ultimately you just need to show up and do the exercise. That gave me permission to have good exercise weeks and slow exercise weeks but I always did the workout after reading that information. I still do not always really like working out (well I always like frisbee) and it is hard to make myself go sometimes, but I do it. That means that I get to look in the mirror and like what I see, and that makes a huge difference. The ability to look at yourself, really look at yourself, and like what you look like in clothing, to look professional and polished, and frankly kind of hot, and really see that person, well I wish that for everyone on this really difficult weightloss journey. More than that, I wish I could tell everyone how to get there, or even where I am which admittedly isn't the end of the path (I'm still not at goal weight), but I know that isn't possible. You have to make your own plan, your own workout schedule, and sort out your own life. All I know is that it is possible to do it, the rest is up to each person as an individual. No magic pills from me, just diet and exercise and perserverance, that is all it has taken to get this far.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

The difficulty with stretching

Tonight I have to go to aikido, which I am sure I will enjoy after I get there this evening. However, I always worry before I go, especially because I am very slow at picking up the moves for anything. I have always had problems remembering the difference between my left and right sides and that makes it really hard to figure out what I am doing when the sensei demonstrates a move to me. I will get there eventually, but I am very slow along the way which is frustrating, especially since I am a complete perfectionist and want to do everything correctly as soon as possible. I know however that stretching myself is a good thing, physically, emotionally and that it is going to cause frustration along the way. Possibly doing all of this while simultaneously trying to learn a new difficult job is not my best plan but timing isn't always all it is cracked up to be in the real world. Mostly now I am grateful for how far I have come and that I don't have to get to the end of the journey immediately or all at once. I like running around with my friends, I like how my body feels right after I have worked out and it is covered in sweat, I like being an athletic person and not a couch potatoe. Mostly, I like myself and that is a new thing in my life. So, the times that I stretch myself and it is difficult are worthwhile and that is enough, even if I do have stress dreams about aikido now and then.

Monday, October 25, 2004

So about the weekend

I just realized that I didn't post all weekend, but my excuse is that I was really busy. Saturday I ran the hash, and it was definately a run this time. We did what is called a "town run" and basically ran all around the paved areas of the city. Lots of running on pavement which is not really good for my knees, especially my left knee which tends to ache a little bit. I estimate that in total we ran about three miles or so over the cours of an hour and 15 minutes. Then on Sunday, we went snorkling and walked about a mile or so on the beach. Also, I got a ton of sun despite using sunscreen and a mild sunburn as a result. Sunday afternoon we played ultimate frisbee, two hours of running around on a field, partially in the rain and plenty of exercise. So, I have gotten in my weekend exercise and it is back to work today although I will probably get in a short walk at some point during the day. Oh, and I was okay on food, could have been better but I am working on that still, especially since we went to a party Saturday evening.

Friday, October 22, 2004

An attractive rear view

So, I bought work clothes today, a necessity since some of my clothes are too big. So, I bought a pair of pants and a shirt, both size 10. That made me happy, and the fact that the pants make my rear look really good was a nice bonus. Also, the fact that I tried the same shirt on a few weeks ago and it didn't fit properly and now it does was very nice indeed. The pants are a little long but can easily be hemmed, and did I mention that they look good from the rear? (Clearly you can tell where my priorities lie in this matter). I feel lazy today because I didn't work out, but hopefully I will make up for it tomorrow and the next day. I am so used to working out six days a week that I just feel lazy only working out three or four days a week. Also, if I worked out more I could eat more which would be nice since now I am limiting my food intake to make up for not working out enough. Anyway, at least I am fitting into size 10's which means that I have lost approximately 6 dress sizes over the last ten months. Hopefully I can be down to a size 8 by the end of the year, I managed to button one today but not actually zip it up, that will be my next major clothing goal. My plan is to clean out my closet again when I hit a size 8, but until then I am wearing everything I have unless it physically falls off my body. Anyway must go, it is Friday night after all and spending it all in front of the computer would be silly (especially since I am currently stealing my roommate's computer).

Slowly and steady

Last night my roommate and I went to aikido again for our weekly session. Basically we fell over a lot, or alternatively people hurled us to the ground. My butt is rather sore today frankly as a result of all the exercise. Then we went to a friend's barbeque and wolfed down chicken and water for dinner. Actually it was a pretty good food day all around, especially with all of the exercise and sweating that always takes place at aikido. This weekend we will probably go hiking in addition to running around in the jungle and ultimate frisbee. I really don't think I have ever been this active in my entire life as I am now, and I still need to add in working out at a gym at some point. So, I feel like this was a pretty good week for food and exercise with a couple of minor slip ups here and there along the way which isn't too bad overall. A few more months and I may actually manage to approach goal weight numbers. However, that really is proof that you have to be slow and steady in your weight loss and that you can't do it in six months or even a year, it really does take a long time to acheive permanent success.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

The typhoon passed by without ever really touching us and today already looks like it will be glorious and sunny. I will be inside at work trying to make up for the last two days that I missed due to the storm. Anyway, yesterday we went out to lunch and had tons of thai food and then I skipped dinner because I was not hungry and I have no idea where that puts me in terms of calories for yesterday. Anyway, today the scale claims that I am down to 156 pounds which means I have lost 86 pounds since I started this little adventure in January. I figure that leaves me with about 36 more pounds to lose over the next few months which still feels like a lot. Still, I am far beyond halfway to my goal and that is a good thing in my book. I know that I will eventually make it to where I want to be, even if it takes a few months. Also, some of my size 12 clothing is becoming loose (not all, just some) and I assume that means that in another 6 pounds or so I will be able to move down into a size 10 which will be really lovely and exciting news. Anyway, I am off to work, fortunately tomorrow is Friday and then the weekend to look for apartments and run around the island.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Waiting for the typhoon

Yesterday we got sent home from work at around 10 am because of the typhoon (which by the way hasn't hit and may mostly miss us). So, my roommates and I went and played frisbee in our apartment swimming pool because it was a beautiful day and a pretty decent workout. Aikido was canceled due to the typhoon and we are going to have to make up the class on thursday. We have today off from work as well since we are still in readiness condition 1 (that basically means the typhoon should hit the island if it does by late this afternoon). So, since we can't really go anywhere right now, we have mostly been sleeping and I have nothing exciting to report. Although, I did manage to get up this morning and eat breakfast as opposed to yesterday where I snacked on things but never really ate lunch. Anyway, I am going to go get dressed now and find something to do with myself for the rest of the day.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

The official weight

My official weight is 156.5 which puts me at a total loss of 85.5 lbs since January. I am pleased with that, especially since I was convinced that I was still up in the 160's. Anyway, as you may have noticed the tropical storm has not hit us yet, although it could do so either later today or tonight. Hopefully it will be late tonight and my roommate and I can actually make it to Aikido today amd workout. If we can't we will go to aikido on thursday when the storm should have passed by and everything should start getting back to normal. I know I was asked where I live in the comments, I don't actually post that information but I will say that I live in the same time zone as Australia which means it is Tuesday morning here as I am writing this note. That means that I need to go finish getting ready for work, I have a really big day ahead of me and I will be back later if the internet is working.

Monday, October 18, 2004

So, I finally got a scale

Today was a very long day at work, and the next couple of months don't look any better. On the plus side, I finally got a scale and even tonight in clothes and having eaten I was down to 158 which is better than I expected given the amount of eating out I have done over the past several weeks. Frankly, I am just glad I haven't gained any weight since I have been here and that means when I join a gym I won't have any lost ground to make up over the next few months. I should mention that I don't know if I will be posting for the next several days because a typhoon is moving into the area and that may mean loss of electricity and therefore internet access. So, if I don't post tomorrow it is probably because my roommates and I are stuck in our apartment playing board games while it rains outside and there are 80 mph winds and not due to lack of things to say (don't worry we should be fine, we live in a strong building made of concrete with good storm shutters). I have to go eat dinner tomorrow and hopefully I will be able to update with a more accurate weight tomorrow.

The prescription

Do you want to know the best way to feel ridiculously out of shape and overweight? Spend your weekend doing physical activities with incredibly in-shape people who actually workout for a living. This is exactly what I did this weekend and I am now struck by how much farther I have to go in order to be where I want to be physically. I estimate that I got three to four hours of full body cardio workouts in this weekend, tomorrow night I go to an hour and a half of aikido and I still know how much more I need to be working out. The benefit of hanging out with really in shape people is that you workout really hard and they are pretty to look at, the bad part is that you are struck by how much work you personally need to achieve in order to be happy with your body. I am slowly getting there but I still have a lot of work left. Oh, and as I suspected, the guy I went out on the date with, skipped frisbee even though he was invited and that puts him totally off my list of people I would consider going out with again. Maybe it is harsh but I am really more interested in being happy in my life than worrying about whether someone else is happy in their life. Anyway, I have to run to work now.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

The vision inside my head

It is funny how we see ourselves even when we change. I still look at myself in the mirror and see all the extra weight I have left to lose and the extra skin under my arms, in other words I see the fat girl still. I am coming slowly to the realization that not everyone else sees that person with the clarity that I do, or really at all. I was out last night with my roommates and the people we run around in the jungle with every week and I came to this realization. Mostly when people wouldn't believe how much I weighed and I had drunk boys leaning all over me, I wasn't actually drinking so I was able to observe and analyze the situation. I am begining to realize that I have to let go of who I percieve myself to be from my past and embrace who I am now. I think this is why moving has been really good for me, I am around people who have never seen who I was and accept who I am now and that is allowing me to see that person more clearly. It is amazing the clarity which that brings, along with two hours of good cardio every week.

My Dealbreakers

I was reflecting tonight on what can be dealbreakers in my life now. Things I absolutely demand and expect from those around me and from myself. Anyway, I went out on a date with this guy tonight who I met on last night and he was vouched for by my friends or else he would never have made it to the first date stage (apparently one of the perks of losing weight is that you actually get picked up by men, who would have thought it). The date was fun, especially the bit where I didn't have to pay anything even though I make more money. However, I had some thoughts after he dropped me off at home. Basically my thought was this, the boy isn't nearly as active as I am, nor does he have any apparent interest in being that active, frankly that is a deal breaker for me. Don't get me wrong, I had a good time (although not a stunningly great time) but I also have a certain lifestyle now and either you fit into my lifestyle or you don't and we part ways amicably. Also, frankly I am not really interested right now in a relationship because I am still figuring out who I am at this weight and turning into a whole different person, starting a new job, and moving is about all I can manage right now. I don't think I had very much confidence before I lost weight, but I do now and part of that is a result of knowing exactly who I am and what I want out of life (okay I am still working this bit out) and I am not really interested in trying to juggle a relationship at the same time. So, nice enough guy, but the guy for me even in the short term, I very much doubt it but hey there is nothing wrong with having someone buy you dinner every now and again.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

General Rambling

I'm still a little bit sore from aikido, mostly I think caused by hurling myself backward on to my rear end continuously. Honestly I didn't eat very much yesterday and so now I feel tired and rather out of sorts. Of course, it may all balance out since we are supposed to go out tonight and meet some friends at a pub where they brew their own beer. Don't worry, I won't be drinking any beer since I actively dislike the taste of it. Anyway, we are also in the throes of planning halloween costumes, my two female friends and I are going to be Charlie's Angels, black jumpsuits and all. It ought to be interesting especially since we are obligated to attend multiple parties on the same evening in entirely different locations on the island. It is remarkably strange to have this busy a social schedule after a year of having no where to go or be on a regular basis. It does not make it easy to getting in enough workout time but I am trying to do a lot on the weekends and when I move in the next few weeks I will try to add in gym time in the morning as well, right now that isn't possible since I don't live near a gym and carpool into work with my roommates. Hopefully I will get paid next week and have enough money to sort all of these issues out and get really settled. Anyway, as always I am off to work now.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Aikido another word for oww

I went to aikido tonight for the first time. Let me just say, I have only been home for 45 minutes and I am already begining to get sore, especially in my back and rear. It is quite possible that this is because I spent much of the even falling flat on my back and kicking my legs into the air. I was tempted at one point to whine and announce that there had clearly been a horrible mistake because I was not as athletic as they thought. It is sort of the feeling I get every time I join an activity, that there has been a mistake and I am not supposed to be actually participating. I have never joined activities before, never done a martial art, never joined a team sport, mostly I have been an excellent spectator. I am a really good cheerleader but never a participant. However, apparently now I actually am a member of an aikido dojo, a hasher (i.e. person who runs around in the jungle) and in a startup ultimate frisbee league. I think I may possibly be either certifiably insane or an actual athlete of sorts. Anyway, I actually really liked aikido other than the bit where I fell continuously on my rear, I got to throw a very big man to the ground repeatedly and get out rather a lot of aggression which was fun. I think I will be not horribly bad at aikido in about twenty or thirty years from now. Also, I went out to lunch so I definately needed to burn off some calories. It is pretty close to my bedtime now and I have to get up early for work so I will be back tomorrow at some point.

Monday, October 11, 2004

So, that is a nice picture of your sister

In my wallet I carry around an old picture of myself, it is from a friend's wedding shower and I am probably close to my heaviest weight in it. I use it usually to prevent myself from eating crap that I should be avoiding and to remind myself to work out. Anyway, I have shown it to some people here because they do not really believe that I lost a ton of weight. It is hard to imagine someone when they were eighty pounds heavier if you never saw them there with your own eyes. So, I show them the picture and I invariably get the same reaction, "That isn't really you, okay maybe it is your sister but it isn't really you." It is kind of fun to see the looks on people's faces but also it leaves me wondering how I would have been treated if I had shown up here at that weight. I think it would have been hard because so much of my activities outside work involve hiking or sports. I would not have run in the jungle at 242 lbs, I would not play frisbee, I would only occasionally be snorkling, I probably wouldn't be planning to learn how to dive, I would be very sedentary in other words. It would have made it difficult to make friends as quickly as I have over the past three weeks and that would not have been fun. It is a good reminder that I always want those pictures to be in the past and how I look now to be my future Hopefully it will remind me to workout more and eat less over the next few months as I try to fit in more exercise to my lifestyle.

Oh so tired

Somedays it is hard to figure out what to write about here. Especially on days like today where I am tired because I was up late last night. We went to a little bar and had dinner last night and hung out with a bunch of marine biologists. I actually only had one drink because I had a really big headach by the time we got to the bar and ate dinner. I didn't eat very much during the day, or the day before for that matter and so I was just tired and out of sorts by the time we made it to the bar. So, this morning I am also tired because I still have the left over remnants of last nights headache from being in a smoky bar for part of the night. I do find that as I lose weight I react more strongly to the environment around me and being around people smoking always makes me feel rather ill. Fortunately it is almost the weekend which means some extra time to sleep and also lots of extra exercise to make up for my inactivity during the week. Tomorrow is the hash and then Sunday is hiking and ultimate frisbee which is always a good two hours of being active. I always look forward to the weekends because I know I will be really active and not sedentary which is how the weeks sometimes turn out.

The things I never did

So, yesterday I spent two hours playing ultimate frisbee with some friends. Ultimate frisbee has similar rules to football except without the tackling and you use a frisbee. Basically because we are short on people we run around a field throwing frisbees to each other for about two hours straight. In the tropical heat that translates to an excellent workout because you end up sweating continuously for about two hours. I would never have done this six months ago or even a year ago due to both the physical exertion and my belief that I would completely suck at it. Well, I do kind of suck at it but it was a lot of fun regardless and certainly a lot more fun that sitting on the sidelines and watching. Remarkably I am not sore today although I do have a couple small blisters because my shoes had dirt in them from running around the jungle on Saturday. I was pretty good on food yesterday and did not eat huge amounts and I expect to be better today since we are not going out to eat anywhere for lunch or dinner. Anyway, I have to go to work now so I will be back later.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

Jungle Girl

I spent about two and a half solid hours yesterday hiking and running through jungles. I have the cuts to prove it and frankly you should see my pants, not a pretty sight, they are completely covered in mud. Today we play ultimate frisbee which is about two solid hours of running around as well and sweating in the tropical heat. Honestly, I don't know if my food was better or not yesterday, I had a banana, a smoothie type drink, and some chips and that was all I ate for the entire day. We went out for pizza after running in the jungle and frankly, I do not eat pizza even now so I did not have any, especially since I had eaten chips after we literally ran through the jungle for an hour and a half. Also, I snorkled yesterday and so I pretty much spent the whole day doing physical activity on little or no food. This seems to happen a lot on the weekends here which is a bad thing. I am going to try and have a more balanced meal plan today, we will see what happens but at least I am trying to be mindful of what I eat again and that is a first step in the right direction.

Friday, October 08, 2004

I'm Back finally

So, I have no real excuse for not updating sooner, other than the fact that I have been busy and not always eating or working out the way that I should be working out. That isn't to day that I haven't worked out but I haven't done enough and I have not been watching my food as carefully as I should be watching my food. However, I am back and on track now with no more excuses about any of these issues as of today. I am considering the last two weeks to be a really bad eating holiday and there will be no more screwing up for Kat. In terms of exercise it hasn't been consistent because I am living with other people and I do not have a car or a place to run so I have sort of been at the mercy of where they want to go and when they want to get there. Hopefully I will be moving soon and that will sort itself out in the process. Last weekend I did go and run around in the jungle for two hours on Saturday and I do mean run, also there was rather a lot of climbing involved and immense amounts of sweating. Sunday I also went hiking in the jungle and I have been doing some walking as well but it isn't enough working out and I know that fact. However, my friend and I have joined an akido dojo (no really the most unathletic girl ever isn't kidding about that) and will be going to class every Tuesday night for an hour and a half. I figure all these things are a step in the right direction and as soon as I move into my own place I will join a gym and exercise before work. Unfortunately, my food has been all over the place, I have had high days, I have had really low days, I have had too much alcohol. All of these things are products of suddenly having a really active social life and I need to create a balance in my life now so I do not backslide. Today is a new day and I am starting today with rebuilding my food program and my exercise. Oh, and I would tell you what I weigh but I do not have a scale so I have absolutely no idea what I currently weigh but none of my clothes are tight so that is probably a good thing. Anyway, I have to go, we are going running in the jungle today and that requires some prior organization before this afternoon. I will be back tomorrow to let you know where I am at and how I am doing with my life now that I am finally begining to settle into living out here.