Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Exercise and eating for Wednesday

So, I think I may be basically unable to post just one entry each day, yet another part of the fact I really like to talk. Anyway, this morning I ran for 51:30 minutes which worked out to 3.5 miles. Then I walked for about another 20 minutes and lifted weights (today was biceps and triceps). Then breakfast which I should have had first but it didn't workout that way, some hard boiled eggs and a peach. Lunch was a caesar salad with fat free dressing and half of a chicken breast. Afternoon snack was a bananna (which I discovered later my dad was saving for lunch tomorrow, oops sorry about that) and some string cheese. Dinner was 3 ribs and a small piece of laughing cow light cheese because there is literally nothing else worth eating in my house right now. I had my one cup of coffee in the midafternoon and I have had a ton of water as always. So, food is pretty much normal especially since other than working out I didn't get tremendous amounts of activity in today.

Playing dress up

So, I finally got online a few minutes ago (the internet wasn't working all day). Anyway, today I got a bunch of boxes of old clothing that my ex-roommate shipped to me. Mostly suits and dresses. I tried on a bunch of the suits because I want to have them taken in to fit again and it was as if I was playing dress up in my old clothing. The formerly knee length skirts go down almost to my ankles and the suit jackets are really long. I am admittedly petite but it was really ridiculous to see these pieces of clothing on my body. Basically all the fabric used to cover my extra pounds and so it didn't hang down as far. I did find a couple of useable outfits, two sundresses I bought in Hawaii which were always tight are now a little bit loose and a bunch of tanktops that I can wear to work out in even though they are big. I am taking the rest of the clothing to Goodwill tomorrow which will make my second trip to dispose of clothes this year. My suits will be taken in and if that is really expensive I will also donate them since there is a lot of wear left in the clothing. Still, it is humbling to see where I was just a few months ago, suddenly I feel the need to run a lot more on the treadmill than the 3.5 miles I did today.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Just call me the salmon pink girl

So, I had a huge salad for lunch today with rather a lot of salmon in it and I got to musing about it. Not the salad but the salmon. I adore the color pink, in fact currently about half of my wardrobe is pink or some variation like rose. So, my question to myself was whether or not I was really happy about my salad because I like eating salmon or I just liked the pretty pink color. Not sure really, but I do think there is something to be said for eating a lot of differently colored food items. It leads to a sense of accomplishment, I mean I have eaten every hue under the rainbow today sorts of smugness. Plus, really natural food generally has prettier colors than processed crap, blood oranges for example are more attractive shades of orange than a bag of cheetos. Life saver candies look garish next to an array of fresh bell peppers and so on and so forth. I mean, think about a good farmers market (I used to live next to one) and one of the things which makes them so attractive and enticing is the different colors of the food which tumble out of baskets in each stall. Of course, I may be reading a lot into this, I am the child of a man who takes pictures of baskets of onions because it makes a nice thematic composition. Also, I may just like salmon and pink and my enjoyment of both may be totally unrelated. But hey, anything that makes my new set of food preferences fun is worth doing and I may just have blueberries with dinner today because I think they are pretty, taste good, and I need a little bit of bright blue in my diet (there is certainly no blue in my wardrobe).

An extended and silly metaphor

So, I am posting rapidly today because I am still having internet problems and I am not sure how long my computer will be online. Today is my day off from working out which means I am eating a little bit less (basically no afternoon snack) and trying to be active in other ways like going up and down stairs a lot. Also, I finally got around to doing my laundry so I will have clean workout clothes for the rest of the week. My bruise while painful is not as spectacular as one might hope for, but it is definately visible on my leg. Really, nothing else exciting is going on, I am studying for this test I have to take at the end of July and being reminded of my former study habits. I always used to study with food in the immediate vicinity, usually candy and so mentally it is a little bit hard to do the work without giving into the desire to snack. So far, I haven't given in mostly but making sure my hands are occupied when I am working and also by staying away from my kitchen for the most part. Still, it is a struggle to not put my hand up to my mouth with food in it but I suppose in the end the truimph is winning this small battle. I don't think you ever win the war with food addiction totally, because it is a continuous series of small annoying skirmishes against the enemy, i.e. my inner fat girl, but you have to keep trying. Possibly I have now overextended this metaphor and should stop using it. So, I am not snacking and each time that I don't give in it gets a little bit easier, but it is probably always going to be a challenge for me.

Monday, June 28, 2004

Hey baby, nice bruise

So, I completely lack coordination and I always have been rather klutzy. I was reminded of this last night in a big way. I was in my nice cozy bed, drifting off into sleep when I realized I hadn't done my core fitness moves for the day. Basically these involve staying in the pushup and other various positions for as long as possibly. It has been emphasized to me by my brother that these exercises are "very important" (cue ominous music here) and should be done on all the days that I don't lift weights. So, after bitching about not wanting to get up again and coming up against the fact I was already wearing workout clothes and not actually asleep so I had no real excuse, I got out of bed. Okay, actually I attempted to get out of bed. In the process, I ran into the bed somehow, how one runs into a bed that one is getting out of I cannot really explain. I manged it however and ended up in a heap on the floor in the dark. Apparently, somewhere in the midst of all of that I banged my leg and am now developing a lovely and rather painful bruise. Not the suavest move ever and I don't see movie executives looking for graceful and limber secret agent types giving me a call in the near future. However, I did actually do my core fitness exercises prior to staggering back to bed so the bruise was probably worthwhile. Next time I am turning the light on before I attempt to get out of my bed since I am clearly not good at it.

Minor technical difficulties

My internet was down yesterday so that is why I wasn't able to post at all. Anyway, yesterday I managed to complete 25 sets of stadium stairs and eat healthy. Today I ran for 45 minutes (and could have probably kept going for another 5-10 minutes but my legs were sore) which worked out to 3 miles which is good because I want to run a 5k in the end of september and I am pretty sure now that I can run the actual distance so now I need to work on speed. Today I weighed in at 186.6 which is good especially given the 4th of july party weekend which is coming up rapidly. Tomorrow I am taking the day off and resting for the first time in over a week, I might even sleep in past 8 am when I usually get up to work out. Also, I am once again out of workout clothes so I have to do laundry before I work out again. I will probably be lazy and not actually do my laundry until tomorrow since I won't need workout clothes until wednesday. Anyway, I hope you all had good weekends and workouts, I certainly did and now I'm going to get on with my day.

Saturday, June 26, 2004

Saturday in the stadium

So, this morning I was at 187 lbs which was happy inducing, especially since we are having a dinner party tonight and that will help me stay honest and not overindulge. I managed to 21 sets of stadium stairs today which was lovely although my legs were wobbily for a bit after I finished the last set. Also, for those who read the comments on this blog, you might have seen the note from my brother a few posts back, which completely made me cry because it was incredibly sweet. The bro is a pretty tough guy in real life (hey he is a navy seal) and sometimes people don't see what a good and wonderful human being he can be as well. I forget that some times and it is nice to be reminded about how lucky I am to be a member of my family and be related to both my bro and my parents who go on fantastical hiking adventures all the time. Anyway, just wanted to brag on my family for a minute because I don't do it enough on a daily basis and they are incredibly supportive of the change I am making in my life and I am lucky to have that support. Enough sappiness, I am saving my one cup of coffee for the dinner party tonight and I need to go eat a big salad for lunch because I am starving and that is never a good thing in my world. Hopefully there is some leftover meat that I can have along with my tomatoes and lettuce so that I will feel full and can get actual work done today.

Friday, June 25, 2004

I really did exercise

Since I keep this journal to be honest, and also to be frank I am kind of bored today. I did actually go and work out after my last post. 30 minutes running on the treadmill, another 15 walking and I did my weights and abs workout for today. Now I am really tired because it was quite hot and I forgot to open the windows and let in a breeze. Bad Kat, must remember to do thing like that in the future. I did drink 1 full bottle of water during the workout and a second one afterwards so I am properly hydrated now. Also, if I am lucky I worked off this morning's cheesy omelet and that would be a really good thing. However, my calves are sore and that is going to really suck tomorrow because on Sat. I go with my parents and climb stadium stairs. Still, needed to workout today and it is done so I feel much better and healthier than I did earlier in the day.

I'm Back

Okay, I know that y'all probably didn't really notice I was gone since I only missed posting for 1 day. Anyway, the trip was fine, I worked out before we left and I'll workout now that I'm home today. Food was difficult, I barely ate lunch yesterday because I accidentally ordered something at this little restaurant with way too much mayo on it and I had chicken last night and a salad with pasta in it. Who puts pasta in a green salad? Okay, for the record I only ate half the chicken and none of the pasta in the salad but still it is the principal of the matter. This morning I had half an omelet at this little diner with avocado and swiss cheese in it and some tomatoes. We got back way after lunch and didn't stop on the way down so I had some string cheese and I'll probably have an apple and then eat a regular diner tonight. Then I will be totally back to normal after all the crappy trip food. Anyway, I am off to lift weights and run on the treadmill just like a good girl who is a bit obsessed with working out.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

My head hurts now

So, for the whole 4 people who read this, you can see that I have changed the template I use for my blog. I was bored, it seemed like a good idea and now my head hurts because I had to change all the colors on the new template. I will probably change more later, but not now because now I am going to go and workout. Enough said.

Avocados that I have loved

I adore avocados, always have, always will. Maybe because I am from California, maybe it is the whole fruit versus vegetable argument or just their decadent creamy goodness. Anyway you cut it (okay for the record, totally unintentional pun that I just wrote) I really like eating them in salads and with chicken or anything else. Not to mention the fact that my dad makes the world's best guacamole and I'm not just saying that because he lets me live rent free in his house. I would probably eat them everyday if I could but my friend the avocado has a lot of calories. So, I have made a deal with myself, every other week I have avocado in my lunch salad. So one week I am avocado free and the next week avocados galore, well not galore but you get the point. That way, it is as if I am having a fabulous treat and not eating to many calories as well. So, this is an avocado week and I am enjoying every minute of it, especially since it is about to end after today because of my road trip. As I lose weight I find new food treats and rediscover old friends like avocados and fuji apples which means that I am not missing sweets as much as I used to in the past. In other news, I am doing my cardio workout later with my mom (I already lifted weights) which means that I am going to the stadium and climbing stairs. Regular breakfast of hardboiled eggs and salad with chicken, tomato and the aforementioned avocado. Lots of water and since I am cold right now I may have my one cup of coffee soon. Life is good, and that should last right until I go and climb lots of stairs but hey I've got some avocado that I need to burn off after my lunch.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Holding steady in the 180's

Okay, so I weighed 188 today which I think means that I officially get to say I am under 190. I swear I am not eating less than normal so the rapid fire weight loss is kind of freaky. I actually went and ran in the neighborhood this morning, I think I ran for about 40 minutes and walked for about 10 but I am not entirely certain because I didn't take a watch with me. My bro who is my trainer type, told me to run more so I did run more. My mom teases me that anything he tells me to do regarding diet and exercise I do, and much as I would like to deny it that is pretty much the truth. Although, mostly I do it that way because it is a plan that works for me and I can actually live with long term. Technically, today is supposed to be my day off but I am going to be out of town on friday and I am not sure I am going to get a chance to workout although I am taking my workout clothes along just in case. I have had my usual food today and will have a snack this afternoon. Nothing exciting but slow and steady wins this race and not terribly exciting days. Exciting days usually mean that I have managed to go off plan somehow and usually in a very bad way. I'm being really good though because there is a size 14 dress that I fit into and was really tight but I would love to wear to the big 4th of july party that my parents are having at my house. So hopefully it will still be in the stores and fit close to that date. I am hovering right at the top end of a size 14, they fit but are a little bit tight, so I would love to be able to fit in them properly and be able to ditch some of my size 16 clothing. Hopefully that will happen in the next few weeks. I have faith.

Monday, June 21, 2004

My body is weird

So, I have been losing weight at an astonishing rate for about the past three days. No real reason, I'm not working out more and other than not drinking Snapple and having less coffee I am eating the same way. Today I was at 189.2. Weird. Maybe I was retaining water or something, but I am not going to say no to a loss. I will take it and enjoy it. I actually weigh less that my father now which is kind of cool. I know I am a lot healthier because my legs didn't hurt today after all of the stadium work that I did yesterday and I was able to run for a bit which was good. Tomorrow I am going to go for a real run because I will be out of town on Thursday and Friday and may not get my normal exercise in as planned. Today, I ran for 20 minutes and walked for 70 minutes and lifted weights. Also, I did an ab workout although I can see no difference to my stomach and don't expect to see any change for a long time. I had some mozzarella cheese for breakfast and hard boiled eggs and a huge salad for lunch with avocado, chicken, croutons, and fat free caesar dressing. I actually couldn't finish the whole salad. Also, I just finished my one cup of coffee for the day and I am going to go get a bottle of water to drink with my afternoon snack (probably 1/2 a mozarella stick and a bananna). I have no idea what we are eating for dinner. Might be beef and veg, might be chicken. It will be healthy whatever it is, and then I will be done with food for the day. Anyway, I am going to go and enjoy the fact that my body is behaving in a fun weird manner for once.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Sunday food

So, as I said yesterday (and yes I am so anal that I post every single day) I am reworking my food again. I just had my one cup of coffee for the day which makes me sad but it is totally a mental thing, and I am doing well on water for the day. Food is fine, hard boiled eggs for breakfast and then a workout at the stadium. Lunch was a big salad with chicken and a few croutons (my one exception to not eating bread) I am going to have a snack this afternoon, either string cheese and an apple or popcorn. Then dinner will be fish along with vegetables of some description and more water. That will be ridiculously healthy and on track but I am still working on getting over the hurdle of wanting lots of snapple and coffee which is going to take a few days for me to break as a habit. I am a work in progress right and for the next few weeks I will be doing a lot of mental work to see that progress. Wish me luck.

Why I hate cocktail parties

So, yesterday evening I had to go to a cocktail party for a friend of the family. Wow, I had completely forgotten how annoying it was to go to events where I can't eat anything. There was this waiter who kept coming around with appetizer things and sticking them right under my nose which was like a more polite form of Chinese water torture. I mean, after the tenth time that you have said you don't want the food item can't the server get the clue? Apparently not. I was so tempted to start responding honestly with what I really thought, "No, I wouldn't like a shrimp wrapped in bacon because I can literally see the grease dripping off of it and my arteries are hardening just thinking about eating that," or alternatively "I don't eat bread products and if I did I wouldn't eat that because cheese should not look like that after being cooked." Okay, in fairness the food was probably really good, but that was only the first assault, there were m&m's at every table and tons of fortune cookies along with an entire cheese platter. I didn't eat any of it, because I was tired and afraid I might overeat. So, then we went out to dinner and I had a small caesar salad with dressing on the side. My reward for being good? Sore legs from the workout I did yesterday and also today but I did hit 190.2 lbs today when I wasn't expecting to lose any weight. That is my goal weight for this month so I am pleased about it. I know that each day I win a struggle, like last night I am farther along than I was before, but no more cocktail parties for awhile for Kat. Okay, good, I feel better now.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

Inspirational, Moi?

So, a lovely poster told me I was an inspiration. Gosh, (insert bashful look and slight blush here) I don't quite know what to say about such a compliment. Here is the thing, this is hard and I struggle and I fail all the time. I was just talking to my brother this morning about how I need to change my diet again and eliminate all the Snapple I have been drinking and up my water consumption. Also, I have been drinking too much coffee and I am trying to snack less and eat more apples instead of peaches. Not to mention I have been exercising six days a week but not in a particular energetic fashion so I need to get organized there as well. So, I have problems seeing myself as a good example because I have so much work left to do in this journey. However, I have learned some things along the way and I thought I would share today what I actually think is useful information as opposed to my thoughts on my daily plan (although I'm trying to stay away from snacking in the kitchen so I may share that info later to distract myself). So, what I know now: I am not the same person I was in January when I started losing weight, and if you are really committed to losing weight you probably won't be the same person either once you start really working a program. Okay, that was a bloody awkward sentence but let me explain what I mean more or less. I had to figure out why I was fat and why it worked for me. Basically, what I have come up with was this, I was a very shy child, I still don't like making phone calls or meeting strangers and for me the fat has been a good way to hide. No one really sees you when you are fat, it is a great way to be invisible in some sense, certainly no one finds you physically attractive and you don't have to be the center of attention. So, losing the weight was scary for me because it would make me visible, and make people notice me. What I didn't know when I was really obese as opposed to sort of obese which is where I am now, is that I would be a different person at a lower weight. I don't mind the attention, I am more confident about how I look and that means that being seen is okay. Not eating fatening foods gets easier, you don't miss them. Don't get me wrong, that is a sentence that took five months for me to be able to write. Sure, I have days where I want ice cream and lots of bread (two of my trigger foods) but not like I used to crave them. I get excited about salads now, I love avocados and grilled chicken breasts. Limiting my portions is easier because I know how much a real serving size is and that is what I normally eat. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't become easy, it gets easier. Trust me, there is a big difference there, getting easier means that there is still struggling involved. Whatever it is that you use food for is going to have to be replaced with something else. Obviously, eat for fuel and nourishment. However, I used to snack to occupy my time when I was bored and I have had to find other things to do with my time. I write in this blog, read books, harass my parents, basically find something else to do. Sometimes, I physically have to leave the house and get away from the food, but that happens less and less often as time goes on. Find someone to talk to that you trust. Big shout out to my bro here, he functions as my nutritionist, sounding board, personal trainer, general life coach all in one. My brother and I have had some real issues about my weight, he is fit and has worked hard for years on staying that way and I didn't want to deal with it until 6 months ago. But I trust him to tell me the truth, a truth I didn't want to hear for a long time. Personally, I couldn't do this without someone who has known me long enough to know when I am full of crap and need a good kick in the ass. There aren't any good excuses for not doing this right now. In the last six months, I have moved 3 times, lost 1 job, been unemployed, lived in 3 states with 3 different sets of people, and changed gyms twice. If this is really a lifestyle, well start today, walk around the block and don't eat the extra cookie. Just do that, do a little more tommorrow and who knows where you will be six months from now. You will either be this fat six months from now or skinnier decide which it is going to be and go with it. I know this for sure, six months ago if you had told me that I would weigh 191 lbs (my weight as of today) and be a size 14 I would have laughed you out of the room. Six months ago I was severely depressed, a size 22 and I weighed 242 lbs (I think, I didn't really start weighing my self until after I was working out a lot). I never thought I would get here, and I had a lot of excuses which I finally decided were a load of crap so then I started working out. Welcome to the rest of your life. No, really this is the rest of your life. I will never not have to work out and watch what I eat. I will always have to do this even when I eventually reach my goal weight. You have to find a way to be okay with that, and it is perfectly acceptable for that to take a while. It has for me. This has become the way that I live my life, and I am at peace with that reality. It took me a long time, but now I don't look at food with the same obsessive longing that I once did, and it doesn't consume my every waking thought. The rewards outweigh the sacrafices but it is going to take some time before you realize that fact. Is a lot of this hard work and a pain in the ass, yes and there are a lot of days where I don't want to workout but I do it anyway. You know what I get in return? For the first time in many years I can walk into a regular store and buy regular clothing. I feel pretty, I put on a dress the other day and i looked skinny in it. Now, I am not really very skinny yet but now I can see what that will look like in 6 months. I just feel lighter and freer than I have in a long time and that is worth more than any piece of cake or day spent vegging on the couch. Finally, figure out what works for you and do that. Feel free to ignore me, I ignore most other people and their plans. Do what works for you. I cannot say that enough, I tried other methods and people suggested things but this is the only method that has worked long term in my life. I do wacky things that make it easier for me, I wear my workout clothes to bed so when I get up there is no excuse to not workout, I buy prepackaged salad mixes because I am too lazy to shred lettuce, I read everything about diet and exercise that I can get my hands on, I keep certain foods out of my house, and I workout a lot. Figure out what you can live with and do that because in the end that is the only plan that will work. So, I don't think any of this is really inspiring but it is what I know for sure now and I just thought I would share my thoughts. Maybe in 6 months I will post what I know then or maybe I will have said it all in the blog by then. We all have to follow our own path, I hope yours is as meaningful to you as mine is to me.

Friday, June 18, 2004

50 pounds gone

I hit 192 lbs this week which means that I have officially lost 50lbs. Also, I have a job interview next week which is a good thing. However, I had to go buy a suit for my job interview because all of my suits are too big and also being shipped from where I used to live. I got a really cute black suit on sale at Talbots, the skirt is a size 14 and the jacket is a size 16 (mostly because they didn't have any size 14 jackets left). I am going to have to fix the sleeves on the jacket because I am petite and the sleeves are a little bit long. Still, it fits, and that makes me a happy girl. Also, I actually looked sort of skinny when I put on the suit which was fun. So, the journey goes on and that is pretty much what I expect at this point. I'm probably going to start posting less about food and exercise because it is second nature at this point and I am more interested in the mental aspects of my journey. The weird headgame of walking into a store and having things fit on the first try and about not getting looks because of how much you weigh. It is an evolving process and one which I will probably still be trying to understand as I lose the next 70 pounds.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Portion Size

My mom and I went and visited my grandparents today. That meant that we went out to lunch at a restaurant. They gave me a salad which was large enough to feed a family of four and which had a ridiculous amount of dressing. Everyone else had a meal that was equally oversized. This is how we got really fat as a country, we have a complete inability to recognize what an actual portion of food should look like on a plate. Anyway, I ate about half the salad because I had a very small breakfast and now I am going to have a very small dinner. Also, I did work out this morning so I should be fine for the day. Still, I remain boggled by the sizes of the portions at this restaurant. Smaller portions, better health, that is my message for the day.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Working out twice in one day, sure I can be that crazy

So, I ran this morning for 30 minutes, walked for 15 and lifted weights. Then I drove to downtown with my mom and walked around a bit. She is going to climb stadium stairs this afternoon and I said that I would go to and just walk a bit more. That worked until I talked to my older brother who told me that I needed to actually climb the stadium stairs myself and get in the extra cardio. I don't want to do it. I really don't, but I am going to go and do it anyway. I just want to be lazy because I already workerd out today. I know though that I will have a lighter workout tomorrow than normal because we are going to go and visit the grandparents and have lunch with them. So, I could probably use the extra cardio today, but I don't want to do it. Did I mention that yet? Okay, now I am whining which is sort of pathetic but such is life. Totally on target for food today, going to have another snack before I go and do extra working out. Sure I will be on target tomorrow because this is how I run my life now. Oh and I have put my workout clothes back on so now I don't have an excuse not to go and workout with my mom. I still don't want to but I don't run my life anymore on what I want to do all the time. I guess I should go workout now, I really am insane but that is my life.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Tuesday food

Forgot for a bit that I was posting this info now. I had lo-cal yogurt and a bannanna for breakfast, a salmon salad for lunch with olives and tomatoes and a very little bit of dressing, a piece of lamb, some turkey chili and a peach for dinner. So, still good on food and today was my day off from working out. I did move a bunch of boxes filled with books at my mom's work and I walked around a bit so I haven't been totally inactive. Anyway, on program as always which is good.

Size 14!!

So, I went shopping with my mother today which is always an interesting experience. We went to Talbots, a store I quite like, and I picked up some shorts. I grabbed both a size 16 and a size 14 off the rack. I tried on the 14 first (which I didn't expect to fit) and it slid on perfectly. I am stunned, I am an actuall size 14, okay I am at the high end of the range for a size 14 but they fit. I don't remember when I was last a size 14 and so I felt compelled to do a little dance around the fitting room. Also, I have officially lost 50 pounds according to my scale and today is my day off from working out. It is a good day, I am a happy girl. I think I am going to go outside and enjoy the sunshine and just be happy.

Monday, June 14, 2004

Monday Morning Exercise

I am posting here partially because I had to order a new exercise journal and this is a substitute until it arrives. I walked on the treadmill at a 9 degree incline for 90 minutes this morning and then lifted weights focusing on my back and chest. Also, did my ab workout which is slowly improving and getting more difficult. Then I had a bananna for breakfast and a cup of coffee. I was late getting to breakfast otherwise it would have been bigger. Huge salad for lunch with chicken and light caesar dressing. I am going to go eat a peach, we got wonderful juicy ones at the market yesterday and eating them is almost like having a fabulous sugary snack. So, on target for food and exercise today and tomorrow is my day off from working out which is a happy thing. Anyway, that is where I am today.

Makeover girl

So, I just called my hairdresser and made an appointment to get my hair cut. She can't actually squeeze me in until July 1st which is pretty far away. However, I think I need to get prepared before I chop off a lot of hair which is sort of my plan at this point. I just keep associating my current hair with being really fat and so I want to get rid of it. I am nervous about it at the same time because I have always considered my hair to be my best feature, it is really thick and pretty. So, getting rid of a lot of my hair will make me acknowledge that I have other attractive features and hopefully make me see my whole body as pretty and not just my hair. Anyway, this whole weight loss experience is like a continual makeover as it is and the hair is one more step. I have changed how I dress, what I eat, my makeup, and now my hair. One more step and I am looking forward to July 1st.

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Sunday workout

Okay, so after the last incredibly long post I realize that I hadn't posted about important things like exercise and food. I have a life really that includes other things but this blog isn't about that stuff so deal and move on with your life. Okay, I was low on calories again yesterday, damnit, because by dinner there was no meat of any sort in the house which resulted in the eating of a very small meal. I had a two egg omelet, some mashed very lo-cal yams, and a thing of lo-fat yogurt which given that I had a small salad for lunch was not enough food. Today we went and hiked the hill I love to hate again. 1 hour in and 1 hour out. I beat my mom again and finished the uphill portion of the hike first(this was my secret ulterior motive, no really I'm not 10yrs old). Food has been on target today, my dad is barbecuing chicken and lamb so dinner should be good tonight. Anyway, holding steady on everything and I ask no more for any day.

The strength that honesty takes

So, a very close friend of mine who is among the small number of people who read this blog was commenting to me about how proud she was of my honesty here and how that takes a lot of strength. (By the way, thanks S. the support I've gotten from you over the past 9 years of ups and downs has made my life generally so much easier). Anyway, it never occured to me before that you have to be strong to be honest but I think she is right. It is hard to admit what you actually weigh and where you actually are in your life to the people who are in it. Okay that was a badly constructed sentence but I think you get the point. I never used to admit to what my actual weight was when I was trying to lose weight in the past. My older brother who functions as my personal trainer because I can't afford a real personal trainer pointed this out a couple of months ago. Now, I tell people what I weigh, what size I wear, what I dislike about working out, and how I continue to struggle with food. I don't just do it in the anonimity of this blog, I do it in my real life as well and it is hard. I do it every day, because it makes my struggles easier than if I just kept it all in and pretended it was easy. None of this is easy, all of it requires strength so be honest about that each and every day. My wish today for anyone who struggles as I do with my weight is that they have friends who tell you when they are proud and tell you the truth no matter what the situation. I have had people like that in my life since college and I am incredibly grateful for them today and everyday.

Saturday, June 12, 2004

I blog therefore I am

Okay, maybe not really. However, I realized this morning as I was hiking the trail of doom (a 2 mile hike uphill) that I am developing the habit of composing blog entries when I am working out. Now, this may just be a vain attempt by my mind to avoid thinking about the ongoing suffering from exercise but it is still kind of freaky. Oh, and I did really well on the hike today, which is a good thing because apparently we are doing the same hike tomorrow morning. Yucky, but must be done. Certainly this blog is good for my sanity and accountability but maybe I should stop making up entries while I am actually outside getting exercise and just enjoy the pretty little bunnies and other scenery along the path. I am still totally on plan, although I don't think that I actually ate enough yesterday which is a problem. Also, I still am not happy with what I see in the mirror but I remain hopeful that my perspective will improve over time.

Friday, June 11, 2004


So, today is my weigh in day and I weigh 193 lbs! Yay! The truly extraodinary thing is that this means that I should hit the 50lbs lost mark by the end of next week. This guy whistled at me today which was sort of stunning because I can assure you that never happened at 242lbs. I also figured out why I am so crabby which is good although a private non-blog issue and now I feel better about the whole working out thing and life in general. Also, I am wearing my new favorite pink top and black pants which always make me happy. 49 lbs gone, I'm just going to enjoy that for today.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

The long slow march

So, here is why I think I have been feeling out of sorts recently, this journey takes a long time. I mean it is not like you wake up one day and the weight is just falling off, no each week maybe a pound goes away or maybe not if you are in a plateau. I like my lifestyle, I don't mind working out and actually I am kind of addicted to exercising but I just wish I could see more physical progress. Other people can see it, but I can't not even when I look at pictures of where I was when I started versus where I am now. Partially because I'm short, and partially because of where I carry all my weight, I just can't see the changes yet. I'm trying really hard to not get too frustrated and be patient but somedays it is just difficult. Anyway, I keep moving forward and in the long run I am sure that will pay off but it is hard to keep up the momentum some weeks, this appears to be one of those weeks. Maybe next week will be better that this one has been so far.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

So this is why I like exercise

So, today I finally had my first good workout since I moved home. 1 hour 40 minutes of cardio with a little bit of running (by little bit I mean about 8 minutes) and weights. I moved my weights up so I am now lifting a whopping 8 lbs, which given I started out at 3lbs isn't bad. I did kind of miss breakfast because I worked out right when I woke up but I had some fruit as soon as I finished and a huge salad for lunch. I felt really energized and bouncy after I worked out which was really nice. I was finally reminded of the good part of working out where I feel sane and happy when I am finished with my daily routine. Also I am wearing a really cute size 16 dress which is finally fitting properly and that makes me happy. Okay, I could stand to have a little less cleavage in the dress but it is still very cute. So, a good workout day and a good food day and really I can't ask for anything more than that right now. So, I am a happy girl. Oh, also I want to say thanks to the lovely people who have been posting comments and encouragements, helps keep me going just by reading them.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Short Girl Problems

So, I hate being short while I'm losing weight. It means that I go down sizes much more slowly than tall people. Also, I don't like being short because I can't reach things I need if they are on high shelves. Finding clothes that fit properly is also a pain in the rear, right now I am wearing pants that drag on the ground because they are made for a regularly sized person. So, generally being short sucks today. I am still on plan and program, taking the day off from working out which I need to do so my body could recover. Tomorrow is back to hard core exercise to hopefully get rid of some more weight. Eventually, I won't mind being short because I will be fit, but today I mind and that is just how it is going to be today.

Monday, June 07, 2004

Just feeling blah

So, I got through the weekend and eating out okay. I had salmon which had an unanticipated dressing on it and I am a little annoyed about that but it was okay. I hiked on saturday for two hours so I figure that took care of the salmon dressing. I'm just feeling sort of tired and annoyed with life right now. I am sticking to my program and have no desire to go off it but my exercise schedule has been non-stop and I am going to take tomorrow off so I can rest for a day. Also, I just did a really annoying task I had been putting off and now I feel better. I am going to go and get my afternoon snack, finish my laundry and try to get reenergized. Wish me luck.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

An evening out

So, the parental units have decided that we should go out to dinner. Okay, let me rephrase that, my mother decided we should go out to dinner tonight. Going out to dinner used to be one of my major hobbies and I loved it. That is not surprising given my weight problems. Now it tends to strike terror into my heart whenever I hear people suggest eating in a restaurant. Why you ask? I can't control the portion size in the same manner I can at home, I'm not cooking the meal so I don't know what is in it, there will be a bread basket on the table and I don't really eat bread anymore. I'm getting better as I continue to lose weight, I can read menus and determine what will not totally break my eating plan and I am learning how to push food away but it is still hard for me. I plan in my mind how the meal is going to go and what I am going to do and then I end up wondering if this is too much effort for one meal. It isn't, I know that logically, one meal turns into two and two into three and then you are on the way to gaining all the weight that has been lost. So, wish me luck and know that I will be trying my hardest to get through this one meal in a way that makes it just one more meal in the rest of my life and not the begining of the end of my healthy lifestyle.

Friday, June 04, 2004

195 and holding steady

Today is my official day to check the scale and I am still holding at 195 lbs. Very happy about that reality. Also, I finally managed a 30 minute run today on my legs which are still slightly sore but improving rapidly. I did screw up my eating by being late on breakfast, late on lunch and therefore missing my afternoon snack. I will probably be under calories for the day as a result which is bad, although I did have a fair amount of avocado in my lunch salad so I might be okay. Anyway, it has been a pretty good week overall, no major slipups and no cheating which isn't bad for my first week home in a long time. Also I am wearing a size 16 skirt which didn't fit when I bought it so I am pleased. All in all, life is pretty good in terms of weightloss this week and that is all that I can really ask of myself or my body.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Holy Crap, I've never seen that on a scale before

So, out of curiosity I got on the scale today. I usually weigh myself on Friday. Okay, I've been known to weigh myself multiple times a day, but I'm trying to do it one day a week on Fridays. The accurate scale said I weighed 195lbs. The inaccurate scale said I weighed 197 lbs. Either way I'm boggled. I can't remember the last time I saw 195 on a scale. Not to mention today I am wearing a really cute white gap skirt which didn't fit when I got it because it is a proper size 16. This hasn't even been a good workout week, I have been eating a little more than I normally would and I am still losing weight. It boggles the mind frankly, I may actually make it into the high 180's by the end of June. This means that today I am down either 45 or 47 lbs and that is more than I have lost in years. Also, I am noticing that certain habits have just changed over time. I really love cold steak, I used to take a slice out of the fridge and slather it with mayo and then eat it. I realized last night as I was eating cold steak for dinner that I cannot remember the last time I had mayo, it doesn't even occur to me to use it. It is like a weird mental shift occurred at some point where I now think about portion size automatically and how to lower fat and calories in what I eat on a daily basis. Weird. Anyway, the rewards in the rest of my life are so huge that I am okay with giving up things that I used to love to eat. Then you have days where you think, holy crap, that number cannot possibly be accurate and it is a really good thing rather than a shameful reality. Those are the really good days, and I plan for there to be more of them in the future.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Another day, another salad

So, I learned an important thing yesterday. If I don't have protein in my salad at lunch I will instantly be starving. I spent all yesterday afternoon trying not to overeat because my salad didn't have any meat in it. So, today I had a caesar salad with a lot of chicken in it and now I feel fine and not hungry. My legs are still sore and that is messing up my workouts but I walked for an hour and lifted weights which still counts as working out in my world. I am currently wearing a top that I bought when I was a junior in highschool and that is fun. It is a little worse for wear but it does fit properly. Also, I have gotten organized on a bunch of other life fronts which is good and not something I would have done in the past. I am still on the salad for lunch everyday plan and a sensible dinner and that seems to be working pretty well so far. I am hoping by the end of this month to be approaching 190 lbs provided that I can get back to my regular working out schedule once my legs have fully recovered. Also, I am going to start training for a 5K race in the end of september which is exciting, hopefully I can get my older brother and maybe his wife to run it with me since the race is in this area. I already have the ability to run 2 miles so working up to the 5K distance shouldn't be hard and I am excited about it. So life moves along and that is a good thing, now I just need to working on getting my non-workout life in order.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

I walk like an old person

My legs are still incredibly sore from Sunday at the stadium. Okay, I didn't help it by going on a 4 mile hike with lots of uphill bits on Monday. Then today I walked really slowly for an hour on the treadmill. Maybe this wasn't a good plan. Anyway, I am basically hobbling around like an old person who needs a walker right about now. Everytime I sit for any period of time my calves stiffen up and I can barely walk when I get up. On the plus side, I hit 197 on the scale this morning which was nice. I am also still doing well with my diet plan which is good since I don't see hard exercising in my immediate future. Anyway, I am going to hobble away from the computer now and trying and stretch to see if that helps my legs any.