Saturday, June 19, 2004

Inspirational, Moi?

So, a lovely poster told me I was an inspiration. Gosh, (insert bashful look and slight blush here) I don't quite know what to say about such a compliment. Here is the thing, this is hard and I struggle and I fail all the time. I was just talking to my brother this morning about how I need to change my diet again and eliminate all the Snapple I have been drinking and up my water consumption. Also, I have been drinking too much coffee and I am trying to snack less and eat more apples instead of peaches. Not to mention I have been exercising six days a week but not in a particular energetic fashion so I need to get organized there as well. So, I have problems seeing myself as a good example because I have so much work left to do in this journey. However, I have learned some things along the way and I thought I would share today what I actually think is useful information as opposed to my thoughts on my daily plan (although I'm trying to stay away from snacking in the kitchen so I may share that info later to distract myself). So, what I know now: I am not the same person I was in January when I started losing weight, and if you are really committed to losing weight you probably won't be the same person either once you start really working a program. Okay, that was a bloody awkward sentence but let me explain what I mean more or less. I had to figure out why I was fat and why it worked for me. Basically, what I have come up with was this, I was a very shy child, I still don't like making phone calls or meeting strangers and for me the fat has been a good way to hide. No one really sees you when you are fat, it is a great way to be invisible in some sense, certainly no one finds you physically attractive and you don't have to be the center of attention. So, losing the weight was scary for me because it would make me visible, and make people notice me. What I didn't know when I was really obese as opposed to sort of obese which is where I am now, is that I would be a different person at a lower weight. I don't mind the attention, I am more confident about how I look and that means that being seen is okay. Not eating fatening foods gets easier, you don't miss them. Don't get me wrong, that is a sentence that took five months for me to be able to write. Sure, I have days where I want ice cream and lots of bread (two of my trigger foods) but not like I used to crave them. I get excited about salads now, I love avocados and grilled chicken breasts. Limiting my portions is easier because I know how much a real serving size is and that is what I normally eat. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't become easy, it gets easier. Trust me, there is a big difference there, getting easier means that there is still struggling involved. Whatever it is that you use food for is going to have to be replaced with something else. Obviously, eat for fuel and nourishment. However, I used to snack to occupy my time when I was bored and I have had to find other things to do with my time. I write in this blog, read books, harass my parents, basically find something else to do. Sometimes, I physically have to leave the house and get away from the food, but that happens less and less often as time goes on. Find someone to talk to that you trust. Big shout out to my bro here, he functions as my nutritionist, sounding board, personal trainer, general life coach all in one. My brother and I have had some real issues about my weight, he is fit and has worked hard for years on staying that way and I didn't want to deal with it until 6 months ago. But I trust him to tell me the truth, a truth I didn't want to hear for a long time. Personally, I couldn't do this without someone who has known me long enough to know when I am full of crap and need a good kick in the ass. There aren't any good excuses for not doing this right now. In the last six months, I have moved 3 times, lost 1 job, been unemployed, lived in 3 states with 3 different sets of people, and changed gyms twice. If this is really a lifestyle, well start today, walk around the block and don't eat the extra cookie. Just do that, do a little more tommorrow and who knows where you will be six months from now. You will either be this fat six months from now or skinnier decide which it is going to be and go with it. I know this for sure, six months ago if you had told me that I would weigh 191 lbs (my weight as of today) and be a size 14 I would have laughed you out of the room. Six months ago I was severely depressed, a size 22 and I weighed 242 lbs (I think, I didn't really start weighing my self until after I was working out a lot). I never thought I would get here, and I had a lot of excuses which I finally decided were a load of crap so then I started working out. Welcome to the rest of your life. No, really this is the rest of your life. I will never not have to work out and watch what I eat. I will always have to do this even when I eventually reach my goal weight. You have to find a way to be okay with that, and it is perfectly acceptable for that to take a while. It has for me. This has become the way that I live my life, and I am at peace with that reality. It took me a long time, but now I don't look at food with the same obsessive longing that I once did, and it doesn't consume my every waking thought. The rewards outweigh the sacrafices but it is going to take some time before you realize that fact. Is a lot of this hard work and a pain in the ass, yes and there are a lot of days where I don't want to workout but I do it anyway. You know what I get in return? For the first time in many years I can walk into a regular store and buy regular clothing. I feel pretty, I put on a dress the other day and i looked skinny in it. Now, I am not really very skinny yet but now I can see what that will look like in 6 months. I just feel lighter and freer than I have in a long time and that is worth more than any piece of cake or day spent vegging on the couch. Finally, figure out what works for you and do that. Feel free to ignore me, I ignore most other people and their plans. Do what works for you. I cannot say that enough, I tried other methods and people suggested things but this is the only method that has worked long term in my life. I do wacky things that make it easier for me, I wear my workout clothes to bed so when I get up there is no excuse to not workout, I buy prepackaged salad mixes because I am too lazy to shred lettuce, I read everything about diet and exercise that I can get my hands on, I keep certain foods out of my house, and I workout a lot. Figure out what you can live with and do that because in the end that is the only plan that will work. So, I don't think any of this is really inspiring but it is what I know for sure now and I just thought I would share my thoughts. Maybe in 6 months I will post what I know then or maybe I will have said it all in the blog by then. We all have to follow our own path, I hope yours is as meaningful to you as mine is to me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

No doubt about it, Kat; you're a winner.