Friday, September 10, 2004

How do you define success?

Kim asked me in the comments how successful I was when I started working out. So, I looked back at my archives and some of my old paper journals. The short answer, I wasn't perfect, I'm still not perfect, I really struggled a lot with food initially and I still struggle sometimes. In the begining it was torture to refuse food I wanted, I had occasionally binges with food (especially anything involving cheese) and every day was hard. Now, I almost never finish my plate when I eat at restaurants and I very rarely have problems with food. It is easier now, I don't miss food and I don't crave things. That is how I define success in this process, now I just have a way that I eat and it is almost second nature. It was really hard in the begining though, really hard, especially because after years of trying and failing I never believed that I would be anything smaller than a size 18. I emphasize with anybody trying to lose weight, no matter how little or great because this is so hard to do on a long term basis. I had to change who I was, redefine my entire relationship with food, and realize slowly that this isn't about reaching a certain weight, it is about being healthy. My success today? I can walk up stairs without catching my breath, I can bake and ice a cake without eating any of it, I can be who I always wanted to be and not be the fat girl in the corner. Still, in the begining it was really hard and I got through it really slowly, not even a day at a time, more like a minute at a time. However, in the end all the struggle is slowly becoming worthwhile and I am grateful that I was able to do this on my own terms and in my own way.

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