15 lbs

This weekend I went to K-mart, which frankly isn't saying much because it is the only place on island to buy cheap stuff. I am not a big fan of big box stores, but my budget is and it wins. So, Sunday morning I went to K-mart and headed straight for the small section of fitness equipment. I was looking for 12 lb dumbells, but they only had 15 lb weights. So, I bought two because there were no other options and took them home. I will spare you the discription of the 20 minutes it took me to find something to carry them up to my apartment, suffice it to say I almost dropped the weights on my car rear bumper and my toe three times. Once they were in my apartment, I ignored them for a couple of hours until I decided to do my weight workout. Okay, I am a big weakling, and I freely admit this fact, but boy did those weights make a huge difference. All of a sudden I was actually breathing hard and lifting to the point of failure for the first time in over a month. Tonight is going to be even uglier because tonight is my arm and shoulder workout. I used to lift 20 lb weights, I want to get back there eventually, but this was a reminder that I need to increase my weights about every month or else that will not happen. Oh, and when I have to carry 20 lb weights into my apartment, well that is going to be so funny that I should probably have it videotaped for posterity. In other news, I managed to run for 15 minutes at 6.0 mph this morning, the remainder was at 5.9 mph. I estimate that I am running about 15 miles every week on the treadmill which is really good for me. When I am running comfortably at 6.0 mph, I am going to start increasing the length of time that I run and also I am thinking about doing more intervals durring my running workouts. I am only really interested in running a 10 minute mile, but that may change the longer I run. Mostly, I am concerned about increasing the intensity of my workouts as I get more fit and in shape. Someday, I am going to get around to running a 5k but I am not really working towards that right now. I also spent yesterday cooking up salmon and some steak for my salads this week, tonight I will cook the frozen chicken breast I have at home. I have been eating just chicken for the last few weeks so I am trying to fit some variety into my diet.

You win some, you lose some

I have got to stop working on Saturdays. It is beautiful and sunny outside and I am in my office, trying to catch up on motions which are due on Monday. This is the problem with trial, it takes you away from all of your other work. My trial by the way, we lost. I can live with that, the jury thought I did a good job but there just wasn't enough evidence to convict. As long as I did a good job, I refuse to worry about anything else, besides in the end that is all you can really control. I am still exhausted and I never got around to breakfast today but other than that life is actually pretty good. Today, I am not working out at all and frankly I need the break. I am sitting at 155.5 still which is pretty good after having gone out last night and had two drinks and a bunch of popcorn. I really am going to go through my clothing this weekend and toss some stuff and see what can be salvaged for future use. I think a fair amount of stuff will just end up going because I am not wearing it on a regular basis. Anyway, back to work I go for a little while, hopefully I will be out of the office by about 2 pm.

Sleepytime

I need sleep in the worst possible way. I did not sleep well this week, I had trouble falling asleep because of trial and I went to bed late. This is a bad, bad, combination for me. I keep telling myself that I just need to get through today and tomorrow I can sleep in until 8 am. It is really bad when sleeping until 8 am qualifies as sleeping late. Tonight, I am going to go out with my coworkers for drinks so that will probably take me a little off plan. I can live with a little detour every now and again, so I am not worried. I was down to 155.5 today, so I am changing my weight loss count on the sidebar to say that I have lost 86 lbs. I love changing that count, just haven't been able to do it since I moved here and stopped being focused on weight loss. So, I am really back on track now and that makes me happy. People have definately noticed and that feels good. Anyway, I will write more later but I have to go prep for a bail hearing now.

Still holding

I am still at exactly 156 lbs today so I guess it is real. Then again, I probably burned off a few extra calories yesterday morning by pacing around the office before I went to court. By the way, trial is so much fun, it is a huge natural high and I am loving it. I am however very stressed, and yesterday morning the secretaries were actually worried that maybe I was throwing up in the bathroom because I was nervous. This did not happen, I just paced around the office and drank lots of water and then went to court. I did not sleep very much last night, my brain would not shut down, so I think total I got about 4 hours of sleep. Normally, I need at least 8 or 9 hours to function at top speed. In situations like this, coffee is the only solution. Thus, this morning workout was no fun at all because I was tired. I had a cramp for the whole time I was running in both my leg and my side. I still ran for my normal time though, and hopefully tomorrow will be better. I also lifted weights last night in a sort of cursory manner but at least it got done. Anyway, back to work now.

156, is it real or not?

I can't find my mascara. This probably seems like a small issue to the rest of the world, I do realize that fact. However, when you are in the middle of trial, every small issue feels as if it is magnified by a thousandfold. Thus, the inability to find mascara seems like a big issue right at this moment. I doubt we will win or lose based upon whether or not my eye lashes are blacker than normal and I don't have time to go and buy more mascara. So, I will worry about other things instead (and trust me I have other much bigger issues to worry about). This morning, I am down to 156 lbs. Now, I have no idea whether that is stress related, or due to copious amounts of working out every day. I ran at 5.9 mph today for 30 minutes and it really was horrible but it distracted me from what I have to do today and that was a beautiful wonderous thing. The only other thing which has managed to distract me is the novel "The Historian" which I picked up on a whim last weekend and spent two hours reading last night. Anyway, back to the exercise thing, most attorneys in my office claim to lose between 2-5 pounds during trial just from stress and not having time to eat. You spend all day in court and run around like a chicken with your head cut off outside of court trying to put out unexpected fires. So, there is very little time for eating extraneous food. I am forcing myself to eat my prepacked snacks if I get the chance, because otherwise I will end up way too low on calories for each and everyday. Then again, 156 could be a real weight since it is only down a pound from 157 which I kept hitting on and off last week. Who knows, who cares as long as in the grand scheme of things the scale keeps going down. I find the longer that I do this weight loss thing, the more zen I get about the actual numbers providing that they move slowly in a downward direction. Then again, you should expect a little dance when I get below 154 because that is the lowest number I have hit in the last two years and I am really looking forward to getting past it and moving onward.

The Labor Day Mystery

I feel I should tell you upfront that they did not take any pictures during the interview, and frankly I was relieved. However, I did get a chance to tryout my trial makeup which looked pretty good. This morning I was back at the gym and ran for my usual thirty minutes, half at 3.8 mph and half at 3.9 mph. Yesterday, I just lifted weights because the gym was closed and it was raining, not to mention there is no where safe to go running around where I live in town. This is my real question though, why does the gym have to close on labor day? I mean after all isn't it called "labor" day which implies that you should do some actual work. I would work out on a holiday during the week if the gym was opened but apparently that is not an option. I am back down to 157 again which is nice, who know if it will last. However, I am begining to see a real difference with my pants and shirts. This weekend I am going to have to go search for a tailor to get some things altered so that they fit properly again. I am not complaining mind you, just pondering on the fact that I seem to spend loads of money on clothing but end up with nothing that fits exactly right. I think when I reach goal weight, the really exciting thing will be having a permanent wardrobe.

You want to do what!?!

Do you know how to make a girl really panic? No I mean really panic instantaneously. Say the following sentence to her "So, for this story I am interviewing you for, I am finding it really hard to get photographs to illustrate it given the subject matter, so you don't mind if I bring a photographer to take your picture, right." Right, great now if I hold in my stomach when you take the picture, make sure I am wearing black clothing and standing up at just the right angle that'll be great, really. I am being interviewed tomorrow for a story which is related to my job, and that sentence came out of the reporter's mouth on friday. Thus, yesterday involved a panicked trip to the mall to find something black and to buy some makeup so I don't look dead if they do in fact take my picture. One black suit later, and some lipstick I feel no less panicked but hey I needed the clothing anyway. I am only grateful that the story is not actually about me losing weight, but I still am not that thrilled by the idea of photos of me in a magazine. Then again, I could still weigh 250 lbs and that would be much much worse. I will report back on Tuesday since tomorrow is a holiday.

Blogging call on account of Tropical Storm

I was gone yesterday because my office was closed. A typhoon was passing through the area and we were placed on "Condition of Readiness 1" which basically means that all government offices and schools are closed due to storm conditions. We just got a lot of rain and wind gusts up to 50 mph, not really a big deal out here where everything is built to withstand much heavier storm conditions. So, to say the least, people out here understand what is going on in New Orleans and our hearts go out to them. There was a supertyphoon a few years back that caused major damage and power outages for as long as a month. Really there is nothing I can say in the face of the devastation in New Orleans that doesn't sound trite, so I am not going to attempt it here. So, I spent yesterday indoors at home, listening to the radio, cleaning up, prepping for trial, and lifting weights. I did work out in the early morning before I realized that my office was closed. The gym was packed with people working out, all the crazy people who tropical storm or not were going to get a workout in before going home to put up typhoon shutters. Priorities are important things in this world. This morning I did my usual workout at the gym, much running at 5.8 mph and the eliptical machine. I am back down to 157 as of this morning, I have no idea if that is accurate or not.

Sleep deprived ramblings

Last night I woke up at 1 am freezing and could not get back to sleep. Eventually I figured out that I was sweating from being hot and that was combining with the slightly cool air from my air conditioner to make me really cold. I turned up the air and went back to sleep. Sleep deprivation is not a pretty thing in the morning, but it is really much worse when you get to the afternoon and need a nap. I'm exhausted and rather cranky today as a result. I did manage to run entirely at 5.8 mph this morning which was a plus. I am also back down to 158 as of this morning despite some more snacking yesterday, I really need to work on that, but it may not be today especially since I forgot an afternoon snack. I am concerned that I am apparently going to trial on Friday and I once again have no suits to wear because mine are too big. Suits are expensive and I simply can't afford to buy any right now, not to mention it is not cost effective because I will just end up replacing them as I lose weight, or at least that is my theory. I am going to swing by Ross tonight and see if I can find anything for really cheap to tide me over for a few weeks. Anyway, have to get back to work now.

A work in progress

I feel myself slipping a little bit recently on my eating plan. I think it is largely due to stress in recent weeks and a general lack of focus. I have always been a stress eater, I know this, I consider it to be a major step forward that I can actually identify when I am eating due to stress. I also eat when I am bored which explains this weekend. Mostly, it has been an extra popsicle or some chips, nothing major. Anyway, I am working on just drinking my water and eating my packed snacks, an energy bar in the morning, an apple in the afternoon. I bounced up to 159 this morning, I am not worrying about it, especially since I am hitting the time on the month when I always retain extra water weight. I am focusing more on what I am doing right, and watching what I put into my mouth. I ran this morning for 30 minutes, 15 minutes at 5.7 mph and fifteen minutes at 5.8 mph. Every week for about the past month I have raised the speed I am running at by .1 mph, it does not sound like much, but I have gone from running at 5.2 mph in July to running at 5.8 mph now. I am aiming for 6.0 mph which will mean that I am running a 10 minute mile again for the first time in a long time. This from a girl who has never really been a runner before. I have cranked up the resistence on my eliptical machine, I am begining to develop leg and arm muscles, all of these are huge gains. More than anything, I am taking better care of myself than I have in a long time. I slacked off on taking my multivitamin and my calcium pills every day but I am now taking them again. This probably sounds odd, but I have finally thrown away all my out of date makeup and I went and bought myself new facial cleansers. This is also a step forward since I need to take better care of my skin, especially given the amount that I sweat everyday (in and out of the gym, I do live in a really tropical environment). All of these are baby steps in the right direction and I am going to focus on that for awhile, rather than just worrying about occasional slip-ups.

The Pasta Problem

I did run this morning, so that means for the past two weeks I have managed to run five days each week. This was accomplished by simply stepping on the treadmill each morning and warming up for five minutes and then running. Apparently that is all it takes to make me run in the morning. Last night, after an incredibly long afternoon at work with meetings that went from 1:30 pm until 5:00 pm straight, I went to the store to buy soy milk. People, I share a lesson with you from the front of the diet wars, don't go to the store when you are really tired and hungry. One of two things will happen, you will buy food items you do not need or you will take a really long time to make up your mind. In my case, I was craving pasta (a long time comfort food) so I spent THIRTY. MINUTES. in the pasta aisle comparing the different types of whole wheat and regular semolina pasta. Then I bought the first package of whole wheat pasta that I had picked up when I walked into the aisle. Oh, and I bought two apples. Then I went home, lifted weights, and had pasta with chicken, garlic, and warmed up salad dressing (which is a pepper based salad dressing and tastes better warm, just trust me on that, okay). I am hovering at 157.5 today, I still think 158 is more accurate for the week but I am not complaining either way. I am just glad that the week is over and tomorrow is saturday. Although, tomorrow I may go to a work related outreach program.

Update

So, you may note that I have updated my profile slightly, and changed the links. I hate updating this site, I am not good with technology in anyway. I mean, I am a lawyer and I am sure there is a language somewhere in which that translates to "very bad with anything electronic". However, it seemed like time to post more accurate stats, and make my links be blogs which not only exist but which I read on a daily basis. So, there you go, updated bloggity goodness. I have no doubt you will notice that this means that I am finally admitting that I want to lose more than half of my original body weight. I am forced to admit that may end up being excessive eventually but to be honest, given my small frame and lack of height ( I am only 5' 2" tall), I have always figured that 110-115 lbs is what I should probably weigh. We will see what I think when I get closer to that weight. If it seems like I will end up being unhealthly skinny I will happily switch to maintainance before I hit that weight. So, that is where I am currently in my thinking. Oh, and don't expect me to change any other format things for awhile, it always makes my head hurt.

The problem with Thursdays

I have always rather disliked thursdays, they are the most tiring day of the week. It is not friday which is the end of the week and any energy which I had on monday or tuesday has evaporated on wednesday. I just drag through thursday, especially workouts, generally reminding myself that I only have to get up early one more day and then it is the weekend. Of course, I am terribly old now because sleeping in means that I sleep until 6 or 7 am rather than 4:30 am. Last weekend I knew that I was really exhausted because I slept until 8 am. My weight has been bouncing up and down a bit, yesterday it was 157, today 158. I think 158 is more accurate. I don't really care, it is below 160 again and that makes me happy. Also, I am wearing my size 10 petite pants and they are no longer cutting off my circulation. Okay, so it is going to take a couple more pounds before they really fit perfectly but I can live with that fact. Also, if I run tomorrow I will have managed to run for five days in a row for each of the past two weeks. I am running at 5.7 mph and next week I am going to start running at 5.8 mph. I can see that my fitness level is increasing the more that I run, I do have one concern which is the fact that my knee and ankle was twinging slightly last night. I have horribly bad ankles so I always worry about them. I felt okay this morning though and I will see how I feel tomorrow and take it easy if necessary.

And now for something controversial

I figure this post is the one which will get me nasty comments/flamed in a hurry. No doubt, this is why I avoid this particular topic like the plague. That topic would be weight loss surgery (WLS), which has definately become a hot button topic over the last couple of years. I have been asked if I had WLS, more annoyingly my friends have been asked behind my back if I have had it, usually with the implicit assumption that there is no way I could have lost the weight without surgery. I worry that is becoming almost a commonplace belief, that the only way to successful lose weight is to have WLS. I realize more and more that I personally have immense amounts invested in the fact that I did this (at least to this point) almost entirely on my own, no nutrionist, no personal trainer, prepackaged meals only very briefly at the begining. The closest thing I had to outside assistance was an initial weight program set up by my brother (which I am seriously considering going back to by the way). I have probably made loads of mistakes due to my insistance on doing this my way and only my way. How you ask does this relate to WLS? Well, frankly I worry about it on some level that I can't really explain. I worry about losing that much weight so quickly and what it could potentially do to your body, I can't imagine living (even just initially on so few calories). Mostly though, I worry that by losing weight so quickly you don't really learn how to live the rest of your life in a sensible manner in terms of food, that we address the physical issues and not the real struggle which is largely mental (at least it has been for me). I personally have need a long time to learn how to manage that aspect of losing weight and I still work on it as an issue. In all honesty, I was probably a candidate for WLS at my highest weight, or at least closing in on being a candidate. I had shortness of breath, trouble sleeping sometimes, and I was eating major amounts of unhealthy food in single sittings. I seriously considered lap band surgery for about a year. Obviously, I never did any of those things, probably due to sheer stubborness on my part. Also, I have had plastic surgery once and so far once is enough. I am glad I never had surgery, but I try really hard to not judge people who have had surgery. Maybe I am wrong to worry about all of this in the first place, certainly it is not really my personal issue anymore, but I think about it sometimes in the morning when I am on the way to the gym. I wonder if I sound like one of those weight-loss fanatics who thinks there is only one right way, I would hate to think I sound like that and I don't believe that, but I still worry about the prevalence of WLS. Then again, I worry about lots of things on a daily basis, it is part of my personality. So, tell me I am wrong, right, or just plain crazy, but I think we will all have to live with the fact that I probably will still worry.

Walking through the Past

I have no idea where I came up with the above title, but then I am running out of titles. I was looking at my archives from August 2004 and looking at the differences. I weighed about 166 pounds, I was running for about 50 minutes a day at around 5.0 mph and walking for 60 minutes. I was eating about the same amount of food. Now, I am about 158 pounds, down around 8 pounds from a year ago, I am only running for 30 minutes but I am running at 5.7 mph which is faster. I was a size 12 a year ago, right now I am hovering between a size 12 and a size 10, closer to a petite size 12 really. I was whining about having fat rolls, I am still whining about fat rolls only not as loudly. Overall, I am probably slightly more fit than I was a year ago, I have noticed that when I went back to the gym in the early part of this year I was able to do much harder cardio much more quickly than in the past when I have taken breaks from the gym. I had been working out in the interim but not really very hard. Mostly though, I notice that many of the themes of a year ago are the same today. For example, I still have an ever present desire to tell sales associates that I am really buying clothing for myself and it fits, no really it does, although I do not think they would actually doubt me on that score. In fact, on the theory that confession is good for the soul, I should note that going into high end stores that only sell a few items of clothing completely freaks me out. There is a BCBG store near where I live and I scuttle in there now and again and then scuttle out again just as quickly convinced that nothing will fit. You have a mental image of me as a small squat crab now right? Okay, maybe that is just me. I am more used to me at this weight now than I was a year ago, more used to my face, and still puzzled at the speed at which I have forgotten what it was like to be really heavy. Little things seem normal now that did not before, regular sized towels can be wrapped completely around my body, the bath water in the tub totally covers me, I shop in regular stores, and no one ever stares at the amount of food I am eating at any given meal. Little things but sometimes you have to take a walk through the past to see them.

When habit falls short

I am definately a creature of habit, every morning after I work out I go to the local gas station and get a huge cup of coffee. Then I drive the two minutes to work, go to my desk, drink a huge bottle of water along with my coffee and have half a Kashi breakfast bar. By nine a.m. I have usually walked over to court which is about 4 blocks away and I don't usually get back to my desk until lunch time. Lunch is always salad which I make the night before along with another bottle of water and at some point in the day I manage to drink two additional bottles of water. I think you can now see the problem with this schedule, I don't have an afternoon snack in there anywhere. I thinking I am consistently ending up low on calories as a result, which is not my intent. Today, I was going to bring an apple to work and have it along with some of the office supply of peanut butter (my office always has peanut butter and jelly floating around, don't ask me why) but I forgot to grab it before I left for the gym. I can usually rely on another co-worker to make popcorn but a lot of days recently I have ended up going home starving and then oddly becoming less hungry on the commute home and eating a small dinner. The simple solution is to stick an extra piece of fruit in my lunch bag, or buy something that I can keep at work such as popcorn. I just need to work on getting in the habit of doing that, after all once I get into a certain pattern it should be easy to manage in the long run.

Random musings on breasts and other things my mother wishes I wouldn't talk about on the internet

One of these days I am going to have enough time in the morning to write a really insightful post, it will not be today. This morning I managed three quarters of my run at 5.7 mph and the rest of it at 5.6 mph. Then I spent 35 minutes on the eliptical machine. This morning I weighed in at 158 and yesterday I was 159 and trust me I ate plenty of food on Saturday and Sunday so I guess I am officially into the 150's. Oh, and I discovered a really interesting thing this weekend while I was at K-mart. I have been wearing totally the wrong bra size. I have been wearing a 38C, (my parents will be so thrilled this information is on the world wide web) when actually I am a 38B. I will just say that the right sized bra makes an enormous difference when it comes to wearing clothing. I was invested in being a C cup because I had a breast reduction when I was really heavy and that was the size I ended up as after surgery, apparently losing 84 pounds will actually change that measurement. Oh, and I also had to buy smaller underwear, there is a definate benefit when you wear trousers everyday to not wearing underwear which hangs off your rear. I forgot how quickly losing weight becomes expensive because you are having to replace clothing items all the time.

Work again

I'm at work again today, and yes it is Saturday. I simply cannot get organized durring the week so I came in today to clean off my desk, figure out which cases need motions answered, and go through my mailbox. I worked until 7:00 last night and only spent two hours actually in my office so that gives you an idea about how hectic it is right now. On the plus side, I weighed in at 158.5 this morning, then again yesterday I barely stopped for lunch and I had a smoothie for dinner. I did run yesterday morning and it was a breeze and felt really good. Today is my day off and I swear that tomorrow morning I am going to go to Kmart and buy heavier weights because the ten pound weights are not causing any muscle fatigue at all when I lift. My plan for the rest of the day is to go to the grocery store on the way home and do all my shopping for the week and then I will probably stop at subway and get a sandwich for lunch. Then I am going to go home and clean up the apartment which is almost as big of a mess as my desk was because of the amount of stress I have been under this week. Then I am going to rest because I expect this coming week to be just as bad as this last week.

It all sounds the same

I read a lot of weight loss blogs, or more precisely I lurk on a lot of weight loss blogs. I am horrible at commenting, but I read a lot. More and more, the longer I do this in fact, I begin to notice themes. There are very similar struggles going on all over the place, problems getting up in the morning to work out, eating too much, eating too little, working out too hard, losing motivation completely, becoming suddenly remotivated, thinking one should be motivated but not being able to manage motivation, and so on and so forth. I especially notice posts about having to stop hiding behind the weight, about the struggle to figure out who you are or would be without the extra weight. I was always a shy kid and despite finding great joy in being a performer I still struggle with shyness. I hate the telephone, I'm not big on huge social gatherings and I am not much of a partier. My whole life I was overweight, and it was an easy way to hide from the scary parts of the world. The hardest thing about losing weight, and I've said this before, are the games you have to play with your own mind. The fact people notice me now is startling and at times overwhelming, I am no longer invisible in the way that I was at 242lbs. I'll give you an example, I have an important court hearing today so I am really dressed up, white skirt suit, red three inch heels, red shirt. It is a visually striking outfit to say the least. I did not really think about that when I picked it last night, it was the only suit left in my closet. This morning at the gym, all of the women in the locker room commented on it and complimented me. It freaked me out, because even now I don't expect people to notice me or what I wear on a daily basis. This is funny given the fact I have a relatively high profile job as one of only a few prosecutors on a small island. It still caught me off guard and I have been thinking about why that is for the past hour. I never expected to be noticed because I did not think I was worthy of the notice. The only things I really liked were my hands, my eyes, and my hair, all things unaffected by my weight. Now, I am proud of my body, it is not perfect, but I earned it. My calves are becoming toned and muscular from running, I have great collar bones that showed up at about 200 lbs and are even more prominent now, and I have really good shoulders. That is what I personally see now and I project it to the people around me. People notice confidence and they respond to it and that is startling and even unerving to those of us who may never have had that kind of attention before. I am slowly learning to accept the praise and feel overwhelmed. The longer I do this, the more I focus on the greatest gift the weight loss has given me, I look like my brother, mother, and father more and more every day. The family features which were somewhat obscured by layers of fat have emerged and you can see our connection to each other.

The mind-body connection

Somedays the mind is willing and the body is not, somedays the body is willing and the mind is not, somedays neither are willing. Today fell firmly into the third category. I'm exhausted, work is incredibly stressful, and I am not getting enough sleep. I ran anyway for 30 minutes and then did my 30 minutes on the eliptical. I've learned that as long as I just step onto the right machine, i.e. the treadmill, I will actually run. This is the way I look at it, you can do anything for an hour a day so I might as well workout hard regardless. The Navy Seals have this saying posted at their base in San Diego, "The only easy day was yesterday" and that has become my exercise philosphy. I don't have to like or even love it, I just have to get it done every single day. Admittedly, after I started running today, I had a pretty decent jog and I felt much better. I have run approximately 12 miles this week and if I run tomorrow I will have run around 15 miles for the week. Plus, I will have completely shattered my "I only have it in me to run three days every week." Now, I am going to do real work.