Monday, January 09, 2006

Losing my street cred

I'm begining to lose my credibility as a fat person. I mention this because I have been pondering it for awhile now, well okay, ever since last week. I was talking to a new coworker about joining JAG (the military lawyers) which she had always wanted to do, personally I have never really had a desire to be a military lawyer except when I was really unemployed, I would just be bad at it. Anyway, I said something to the effect of, "Well, I never would have met the height and weight requirements anyway" in reference to the fact you have to be physically fit to be in the military. She looked at me, rather stunned, and said "Oh, c'mon, you skinny little thing, you would have been fine." It was at this point, I was forced to point out that I had been 242 lbs in 2004 and not anywhere near the height and weight requirements of the U.S. Military. More and more I find myself doing this, justifying an understanding of what it means to struggle with food, to be overweight, to be on the otherside of the great American divide. If the average American woman is a size 14 or above, well I am not exactly average anymore, I wear size 10p clothing, actually own a pair of size 8p pants that fit (but that is a fluke), and am small boned in addition. I am little and more and more I look little. Mentally, I do not feel little, but more and more I become a skinny person. I ended up at Pizza hut yesterday for lunch with my coworkers (don't ask how) and the difference in what we ate without thinking about it was mindboggling. One person had 5 slices of pizza and a salad, the other a huge plate of pasta, both ate a slice of the desert pizza. I had 2.5 slices of pizza and 2 breadsticks, which qualifies as a bad meal for me and probably 600 calories. I didn't snack the rest of the day and when I got home I barely made it through a small bowl of whole wheat pasta and vegetables. It just didn't occur to me to eat more than that, I couldn't physically eat more than that in one day. I have a few food vices left (fancy coffee drinks being the major one), but the bad days are getting farther and farther apart. I balance out the vices with exercise, and yes I was back at the gym this morning and I am going back after work tonight. So, when I say I understand what it means to struggle with food, when I comiserate, people stare at me like I am insane, because they just can't see the extra weight or what it takes to keep it off. You can tell the story, but you can't ever convince people it is 100% true. Maybe in the long run that is okay, because in the long run, I don't want to be remembered as the fat girl, I just want to be remembered as myself.

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